


We can't be that simple

by mjm_6



Category: Animal Kingdom (TV), Deran and Adrian
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Confessions and confusion, Confusion, Denial of Feelings, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Personal Growth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2018-12-10 04:29:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 50
Words: 74,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11684085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mjm_6/pseuds/mjm_6
Summary: *SWEATY PALMS*First attempt at posting anything, although i do have ideas written down so please be kind and read. Also would be greatly appreciated if you'd let me know if i have done my boys any justice...Derans' POVFirst chapter will begin off with Deran heavy in thought (Season 1) and how terrible Adrian and his relationship was left literally with him  being rejected.  Still he tries to sort through his thoughts and dare i say it feelings.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran

"I met him two months ago." Said Adrian  


"Yeah, like I give a shit. Does he know about me?" Deran asked curiously.  


"No, whats there to say?" Adrian asked.  


There'd been plenty to say. I'm your best friend. I'm your boyfriend? No, no scratch that. Yeah, Adrian and I have been fucking since who knows when. Even before we hid away for 5 weeks in Belize 2 years ago, but hey who's counting. Too many images come to mind . Even before we started fucking we'd been in each others pockets. Found any excuse to hang. Back then it was so much easier to get by on hidden glances , stolen touches , and fuck do i miss those days. Before everything we had went to shit.

"I don't hate myself , okay....I'm just not...I'm not like you." Deran replied exasperated.  


"No, no you break into guys apartments and have sex with them." Adrian answered frustrated.  


"No not guys just you."  


It's always just been Adrian. Doesn't he know that? I sleep around from time to time with a random chic here and there. But they never leave me as sated as he does. No i'm not gay, but even if i was who the fuck business is it anyway? Why does it have to be all or nothing? Why cant we keep it simple? Who needs labels?

Fuck. Fuck.Fuck. Doesn't he see what he does to me? It's not fucking rocket science. But who the hell am i lying to? I can't lie to myself anymore. It's not him asking for a label and i get it. Who the fuck wants to be man handled? I mean yeah, there are a few times i can remember it's what we both craved, but i just don't know any other way. I can't be gentle. We're both two consenting MALE adults. Hell, that's part of the appeal. I don't think any female would appreciate or much less be able to handle our kind my roughness. But Adrian, damn he's fucking perfect.

Just thinking about him gets my blood pumping and dick twitching. He has the perfect build. From his pale freckled face to the tip of his sandal wearing feet. Even his toes are beautiful to me...I admit it HE IS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL! The way his blue eyes shine and sparkle as he rides out the waves and water droplets cling to his eyelashes and lips. It's hard to tear my eyes away sometimes. Perfectly built arms, not too bulky but just right. Enough to match his muscled abs and perky ass.

"I just want to be okay. I just want us to be okay. I just want it to be okay. Please...Please." Deran had sobbed clinging to Adrian's face.  


"You want to come inside? Come on in. You want me to go to a party? I'll be there. Or we can go surfing, go to Belize, whatever you want, man. You're in charge. You've made that perfectly clear. But sorry. You can't make me feel something i don't."  


Why cant we just be okay? My heart tightens and constricts in my chest whenever i remember that night. It wasn't supposed to end like that. Didn't he hear my sincerity when i let him in? When i finally let my guard down. Cause Craig had been right. Adrian had always been a good guy. The way things had been going down leading to that last conversation were fucking embarrassing. I was trying so hard to be who everyone thinks i am. Be who everyone sees me as. I'm a fuck-up. Youngest of Smurfs' runts(her words) but a Cody nonetheless. Criminal. Momma's boy. Troubled and dubious. Fucking pathetic, i know.

Still, i never had to be anyone other than myself with Adrian. He knew i was a coward, and he accepted me. He saw ME, maybe even through me. Didn't have to hide although i would always fight him, always be in denial. He knew the real me. As shitty as i was to him, he was always there. In my corner. When my own mother and brothers thought even less of me than i thought of myself. Well, maybe not so much Craig.  


My mind keeps playing all the conversations I've had with the most honest and loyal person in my life. That was in my life. He deserves better. I wanted to be it for him, the way he was for me. Be a better person. A better friend. A better bo.....just be better. Different for him. But that's not what Deran Cody does. I let my guard down too late. The damage had been done. Years in the making. Resulting in this...me being so fucking spineless to get out of my apartment fearing i'd run into him so I just stare at my phone. Contemplating on just dialing his number and not hang up. Sending him a text and hoping for a response, but i do neither. Another rejection from him would obliterate me.  


I'll think of something. I can't lose Adrian.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrian

Three weeks, five days later and I'm still jumpy. Still waiting for one of Deran's brothers to show up and kick my face in. Any sound has me jumping out of my skin. If I spotted a blonde with shaggy long hair I felt my heart dropped to my stomach. I wasn't hiding, just avoiding familiar places. No calls or texts had been made by either parties, which was weird. Deran would usually wait a day or two before waving a white flag and simply say to meet him at some spot so we could chill. This time around everything felt different.

I had done nothing wrong and I'd be damned if I would be the first to reach out. Matter of fact, I've been dreading the thought of Deran reappearing in my life the way he usually does. I meant what I said. I'm done being his punching bag. Done being his dirty secret. Done making excuses for him. I don't want an apology, excuses, and definitely don't want to pretend things between us are fine and go back to how dysfunctional our friendship had become.

It's on him if he wants to keep lying to himself and everyone else about who he is. I on the other hand have lived my life openly and I'm okay with my choices. I'm not one to "faggot it up at Pottery Barn and get matching dishes", as Deran had put it once. But I refuse to hide who I am and my preferences in love. Acceptance comes from within and even if Deran is deeply closeted I'm done hiding away with him. I would never out him or pressure him into at least being honest with himself. What good would that do, he'd end up resenting me and hating himself more than I suspect he already does.

If only he could see himself through my eyes. Deran is more than an amazing lay. If I'm being honest he's the very best. Damn, my skin warms up and prickles with each thought crossing my mind. Remembering his calloused hands roam my back. How every thrust he'd grip my shoulders, hips, or sides strong enough to guarantee there to be small bruises the following day. Damn those bruises.... Seeing them would always get me high instead of feeling pain in their tracks because it only confirmed that he felt the same want and desperation I felt for him.

There was no hiding in those moments. Only hands, lips, loud moans and sighs. He didn't look away from me in those instances. He spoke with his eyes. I saw his need in them. Sometimes I even think I saw love, but maybe it's just my wishful thinking. Every now and then he'd allow me to see a softer side of him before he had to go on pretending he could conquer the world or the next Heist. He'd say some offhand remark as simple as him not being able to control his need for me, then blush and flee before I could reply. One soft touch against my neck, so unlike him, but I was grateful for them. They came far in between, but I was at the end of those touches and I thrived on them.

So these days I work at keeping busy. Literally. Yeah, I want to hear his voice but I can't keep bending to him. We need to grow at some point. Evolve. If not together... I just need more. Far beyond what I know he would not be willing to give. Even our friendship felt stumped. We both had allowed things to escalate leaving our friendship in ruins. Was it salvageable? Better yet, did I want it back?  


"What's up man, you've been ghosting lately? Haven't seen you around," Craig, said as he walked into Real Surf. I immediately start pretending I'm deep at work on the surfboard in front of me I had completely forgotten about.  


"Ah, nah man, just real busy. Work and training, you know?" I take a quick glance his way. I can't really read his face though.  


"Oh, you got a competition coming up right?" Craig sighs. "Well just stopped by to ask if you've seen Deran these days. He's been avoiding us for weeks, won't even pick up his phone for me." Craig runs his hands through his hair looking worried. Which in turn makes me worried and that irritates me.  


"Nah man, sorry can't help. Did you check the beach?" I laugh nervously and I can see Craig's picking up on me being uncomfortable before I say "he's probably holed up at some chicks place." It sounds more bitter to my ears than I had intended for it to come across. Craig rolls his eyes, sighs, and nods before turning to walk out the door, then stops and turns around.  


"Look, I haven't seen him since the last party you went to. Remember? Did something happen between you guys?"  


"Nah, but if I see him I'll tell him you been looking for him." God I hope I don't see him.  


Craigs walks over to the table where I'm working at  
Places both hands down and leans down till we're at eye level. "Adrian," sighs. "You gotta cut him some slack. He's an idiot, okay. We both know it. That's just Deran. He says and does stupid shit he doesn't mean. I know he needs you man."  
We both stare at each other before he finally speaks again. 

"I never seen him like that okay. He came back from someplace after the party that night and... Whatever he said to you, if it offended you, you got to know he didn't mean it. He cares about you man, really." I could see he's getting impatient at the lack of conversation on my part and starts backing away with his eyes on me. 

"If you're his friend.." He stops shakes his head 'no' like he used the wrong words. "If you care about him like I know you do." Craig stops mid-sentence. Eyes wide open, eyebrows raised, as if saying he knows about Deran and I, and I freeze and swallow loudly. "You'll be there for him. Help him through this shit. No matter how much of an asshole he is. He trusts you, man."

It seems like an eternity as I let his words sink into my brain. He knows. Do they know? Where's Deran? Fuck, i hope he's okay. I can't manage to look back up at Craig. Who's the coward now? I clear my throat, head still down hands fussing around the board as I speak.  


"Yeah, okay man. I'll let you know if I see him." I say as I hear him sigh loudly before mumbling a "see 'round" and leaves. 

My mind is reeling at what I just heard out of Craig. Of all the brothers he's the closest to Deran and the only one besides J that I actually like. Of course, he'd be the most accepting. What just happened? Could I walk away now? Why can I just not care! Deep down I know that my decisions been made and I got to cut my ties and accept my losses. Then again, what and who did I really lose. FML.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran

I see Craig leave Adrian shop and I know he's gone into ask about me. He must be really desperate to find me since I can tell he's sober, so it must be important. I remember setting my phone down somewhere after hearing the persistent ring, but I can't remember where I put it. Battery's probably dead by now. I think I subconsciously forgot where I had left it to keep myself from doing exactly what I'm doing now... Which is stalking my best friend. I still can can't bring myself to man up and walk in and attempt to do major damage control without sounding or acting like a complete asshole.

I have yet to see him. Only know he's here because his vehicle is parked outside. Well, no better time than the present. I can feel my heart rate accelerate as I make my way across the street. Taking long deep breaths and trying to calm my racing brain. It's then when I see him, and I see red. Clench my fist and have to stop walking because I know I'll pummel his ass and not just for breathing. Simply because he's making his way to his shop. Checking his reflection on his side mirror before going inside. Douchebag.

All the loud machine noises coming from inside go silent, and I stay close to the open door trying to make out their conversation. I hear Adrian's voice and close my eyes sigh because I feel alive again. Re-energized in some way. Then I hear them laugh and it shatters what little peace I felt seconds ago. My eyes water and it's torture because I want his laugh to only be for my ears. My vision blurs and I don't know if it's because I'm so mad I could kill someone at the moment, or because Adrian is inside talking and laughing with Dave.

Footsteps make their way closer to the door and I hide besides the building. Straining my neck to hear their conversation. I catch Adrian saying he's happy to know his infection is now all cleared and that he's doing better when Dick Face asks Adrian if he's seeing anyone at the time. Too many emotions are surfacing and for the life of me I realize I'm hoping he says my name. I'm holding my breath. Silently sending him the response telepathically. Then, I hear him respond too fast.  


"No. Been too busy. Got to start training soon. Not sure about it yet though." Adrian replies.  


" Well, if you decide to stick around head over to the OC." Dick face responds.  


The cocky sound of his voice boils my blood because I know he's smiling seductively at Adrian. He doesn't stop there. I hear him take a few steps and I have to look at what this fucker is doing.

He brushes Adrian's hair off his eyebrow. It's a little shabbier than his usual length, but he still takes my breath away. I see a slight blush creep up his neck to his beautiful face and he shyly steps back and looks away letting out a nervous laugh. Dave, looks like he's enjoying his reaction too much. I want to rip his arm out of its socket and beat him with it.  


"We can pick up where we left off... Yeah?" Adrian looks down at his feet and laughs nervously again.  


"I'll let you know as soon as I make up my mind and go over some plans. Still got that same number?"  


I walk away from the building not knowing where I'm heading. I just know it's got to be somewhere far from here. Somewhere fast before I make my way back and kill Dave for having the nerve to make his way back into Adrian's life. Can't really hold that against him, I understand that feeling all too well. Guess Pope's message didn't get very far for him. I'm out of breath when I realize I'm actually running. Didn't even know my legs could move so fast. Images of Adrian's pink face from Dave's touch makes me stop in my tracks, bend over and automatically start losing all the contents in my stomach. Had I even eaten today?

He can't really be contemplating getting back with this guy, right. He has nothing in common with him. Dave's a fisherman (for lack of a better label) what the fuck would be so appealing about him. I'm pacing in circles in some alley, not far from Craig's apartment and I make my way there. Don't even knock and just walk in. Craig is sitting in his shity living room eating a bowl of cereal.  


"What the fuck asshole! where the fuck you been? Been looking for your ass all around." Craig speaks with a mouth full of cereal.  


"Around. Nowhere. Who gives a fuck."

He's mad. Beyond mad. He puts his bowl down, ties his greasy hair back away from his face,and benda down over in front of me and starts punching me in the stomach, arms, and chest hard enough to take my breath away. I try to get him off of me when his fist connects with my mouth, and I taste blood and feel the tear on my bottom lip.  


I can't figure out why I haven't punched him back, just simply take the punches. They give me some kind of tranquility Almost a release of some sort. Craig stops at the sight of blood and pushes off of me with a mumbled 'asshole,' picks up his bowl and continues to eat his cereal.  


"Feel better now?" I get a scowl from Craig before he asks where I've been again. He doesn't get much out of me but he doesn't push.

He picks up his phone and makes a call, but I'm too lost in my thoughts I don't know what he saying till I hear Adrian's name. My full attentions on Craig now. I make my way to the kitchen behind him and pretend to look for food in the fridge.  


"Oh, yeah for how long man? We got this job coming up, but maybe we can catch up to you later and just relax a couple days." Craig stops mid-sentence listening to whatever Adrian's saying on the other side. Craig: "well, maybe next time. Listen just wanted to let you know dick face made his appearance today, in case you were wondering." He looks over his shoulder and mad dogs me before getting back into the conversation.  


"You want to talk to him? He's right here I can"... He pauses as he makes his way towards me. Then lowers head, eyes, and voice.

My heart speeds up again. I swear I'm going to have a heart attack with the rollercoaster of emotions ive had today. There's a glimmer of hope when I think Adrian wants to talk to me, but completely dies when I hear Craig quietly say, 'yeah man, maybe next time. Take care,' and hangs up. He still avoiding my eyes and then completely changes the subject.  


"So, we got a job coming up. You want in?" Craig asked with raised eyebrows.  


"Yeah, whatever." Craig looks at me questionably.  


"Don't want to do this shit anymore," I say pointedly. 

He and I have always been close, so he knows to quit while he's ahead. Even if he has questions that need to be answered. He puts his hands up in surrender and says something before he makes his way into the kitchen.  


"So, what did he say?" I don't even say his name. Craig knows who I'm referring to.  


"He might be heading back home or the OC. Too busy to hang. Probably going to start training again. You know he takes that shit serious"

I don't even look up at him. I don't want to see the pity in his eyes. I know he added the last part to sugarcoat the truth, but we both know it.  


"You guys okay, D?" I take a minute to steady my voice, avoiding his eyes.  


"Who the fuck knows." I clear my throat again, "so you ready to get the fuck outta here?"and make my way to the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the incorrect spelling, grammar, and run on sentences. Again this is my first attempt at writing so please try to look past the flaws and continue reading if it's any good.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrian

I let out a sigh of relief after ending the call with Craig. The ache in my chest a little less painful now that I know Deran is alive. It killed me to turn down the opportunity to talk to him, but I stuck to my decision. My mind goes back to the choices I have before me. Both sure to get me away from the familiar surroundings and familiar faces. I knew for certain that training for the upcoming competition was not really a choice at the moment. I'm not in the right head space and the last thing I need is to get injured due to the lack of concentration.

Dave's offer comes at a weird time... If it had come a few months ago I would have been all for it, but it hadn't even peaked my interest. Feeling caged in is messing with my head. All my friends are mutual friends with Deran. All my interest and hobbies brought memories of him as well. Even the beach was a no-go. I need distance

So my resolution is to head home. To the only space where I could always run to. No questions asked and simply have the blessing of being accepted with open arms. I pick up my phone and quickly make a call to my trusted employee Ed. Leave instructions for the next month. Decide to only give Ed the bare minimal detail about where I'm heading and why. Ed is not only a great employee but also a close and trusted business manager so he's freaks a little after I tell him I'm not sure how long my departure from the shop will be. I reassure him I have faith in him to run my shop in my absence, and tell him he'll be able to reach me in case of an emergency. The only thing I do stress to him is to not tell anyone I have left and to not divulge any information other than he's the one in charge until further notice.

Ed gets a little worried after my peculiar request and ask if I'm in trouble with the law. I simply laugh at that because it's a stupid notion. Then he sighs in understanding and quietly assures me he will not tell Deran anything. It irritates me he knows why I am running away. Even worse that he knows it's Deran. I've worked with Ed for years and know he was trustworthy after the first time he had accidentally caught Deran and I in the back room. Of course, I hadn't mentioned it to hot head, Deran, because I knew he'd go ballistics on Ed. For days I had no idea how to bring up the subject to Ed to address it. Instead, he saved me the mortification and pulled me aside and simply said he had my back and that he didn't care.

Thinking back to that makes me want to hurl. I wasn't prepared for the gut-wrenching feeling I had of someone thinking I was ashamed of my sexual preference in any way. Instead, I nodded and thanked Ed with the bitter taste in my mouth to cover for Deran. I'm not one to wave a rainbow flag or march at the pride parade, but I was far from denying who I was to anyone and I hated that feeling.

This was undoubtedly the best thing to do. Business was taken care of at work. Now all I needed to do was head home and pack a few things before heading back to my parents house. I decide to call them on the drive to my apartment to give them a heads up on my upcoming visit. My eyes burn as I hear my mothers' squeal of happiness from the news I just delivered. I can tell she's a little concerned about my out of the whim visit, but happy nonetheless. Both my parents had always complained about my independence and how they'd wish I needed them more, so this uncharacteristically visit was surly a red flag.

I'm in a hurry to leave. Not really caring or paying much attention to what I'm throwing into my duffle bags. I can hear my phone ringing in the background and simply ignore it. Keeping in mind how any little thing might deter me from getting the hell out of town. I turn my radio up high and start taking two of my best boards to my truck. Again ignoring the flashing screen light from my cell phone and focus on strapping everything in place. I hurry back in grab my laptop, duffel bags, and the keys from the bowl by the door and place it all in the backseat.

I head back into the apartment I make sure all outlets are unplugged, curtains are closed, and windows locked when I hear my phone go off again. I freeze in place not really wanting to know who's on the other end. I already know who it is. I feel it in my bones. There's no need to run to the pull anymore, only the need to escape. I pick up the phone and thank God it stops ringing. I don't even bother to check the call log and simply turn off the apparatus. Contemplate leaving it behind, then yank the charger from its usual place and put them both at the bottom of one of the duffle bags. Just in case it's needed a long the drive. I take one last look at the home I have created and feel disappointed that it all comes to this.

I am not ashamed, yet I am hiding. I am not afraid, but yet I'm running. With those last two thoughts I reverse out of my driveway and haul ass out of Southern California and head north. I won't be escaping too far from the life I've created, but have at least some distance that I need. I've blast on the radio to keep all thoughts from crowding my brain. Listen to whatever song is playing at the time. Switch stations every once in awhile to keep my interest piqued and it actually works.

I can feel my nerves calming. The anxiousness I was feeling is still very present, but I can feel it slowly dissipating. Maybe it's the fact that I'm going back to my childhood home that has me at ease. Or the fact that I know I will not be running into a certain blonde haired blue-eyed man and his criminal brothers. Either way, I appreciate the drive and the barriers of distance it is creating for my mental health and emotional well-being.

I stop a few times on my way there to pump gas or grab something to eat, then continue on the path to my destination. It's been hours and it's dusk. The sky looks beautiful in its colors before the sun slowly hides away to rest. I find myself on the familiar gravel driveway and happily turn off my car before I see my mother run out the front door and pull me out of the driver seat. It isn't long after I hear my father's deep voice beckoning me inside to catch the last play on the TV.

Obviously it's on a commercial. Otherwise, he'd not even gotten up to greet me, and he immediately pulls me into a tight embrace before asking me how my drive up was. It takes a few attempts of me convincing my mom that I'm okay and that I just wanted to be around family for her to believe me. After bringing in my bags I promise mom I'd be back down after settling in and she grudgingly lets go of my waist with the swift kiss to my arm.

Everything is in its place. Still looks like a teenage kids bedroom and it's soothing that somethings never changes. It's weird how I want certain things and relationships to change, and here I am in what seems to be the unchange past, and I'm completely at peace.

My eyes stray to the duffle bags and I know I have to start unpacking, but it's not so much the unpacting. It's the curiosity of what the phone at the bottom of the bag has stored away, just waiting to be turned on. I turn my small stereo on letting whatever channel it's on fill the silence in my room. Until I can't prolong it any longer and I turn the phone on. I don't know why I'm panicking. I'm miles and miles away from Southern California and I still feel the bile rise up my throat. 

Three missed calls. All from Daren and my heart stutters. No voicemails, thank God. I don't know what I'd do if I heard his voice at this point. Then two unread envelopes pop up. Text messages, again from Deran. Time to man up and just rip off the band-aid. First text reads, 'hey can we talk?' Of course what else would I expect from him. He'd just want to pick up where we left off.  


I click on the second text, a little irritated at him and myself for even putting aside time to read these messages. Then I have to do a double-take as I read the last one, 'you're in charge, Adrian, please get back to me.... whenever you can. Please?'   


Leave it to Deran to stop my heart and revive it again. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Does he finally understand that he cannot control people, much less feelings. Damn, what I would give to understand him.

I scroll down my contacts list and find Ed's number. I send him a text with my folks home number. My cell will be off while I'm here and the only connection to me in Southern California is Ed for the shop. I don't wait for a reply and simply turn off the phone, take out the battery and stuff it back into the duffle bag under my bed.   


I will not waste more time on what ifs, and try to understand the weird dance Deran and I have been having for years. Starting fresh starts today and I already feel drained. I lay back into my childhood bed. The smell and feel of it pulling me into sleep. I close my eyes and let the music distract me from all the bullshut I'm trying to steer clear of. Guess I'll catch up tomorrow morning. Mom will understand, I'm tired, and I fall into a much-needed deep dreamless sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran

Deran can't help the pride he feels as he's finishing the last minute touches to his business. He can't believe it, he's officially a business owner. Maybe these last months were necessary for him to get his shit together and finally cut all strings with Smurf. If he failed or succeeded would be all his doing. It felt good to have that kind of responsibility. Yeah, he'd have no one to fall back on, but that only gave him even more ambition to make this bar work. His bar. I mean, who didn't like drinking? No way that this will go out of style. No brainer, right?

He almost shit his pants when he thought of being denied his liquor license, but decided to be an honest law-abiding citizen and told the man the real deal. He was surprised with the leap of faith the man had shown in him. Guess telling the truth has its upside. He looked around nervously, he knew nothing about decorating but began hanging up his broken boards along the walls ..broken dreams set aside but another aspiration came to surface. Maybe not big in his brother's eyes. Definitely not much money, but he wanted a much calmer life for himself. He was going to live his life for himself.

He'd been thinking it over a while back. But the obligation and loyalty he felt to his brothers always outweighed his decision. Not this time. He didn't want to get any older, living off of his next heist. He was done with that business. He already let Baz and Pope in on his decision and even though they had not agreed with him they congratulated him. For what? Who the hell new. He could bet they were probably placing bets on how soon his business would fall through. Wouldn't stop him from trying.

Craig, always the good brother he'd been to Deran, was the only one excited for him. Wanting to help and fucking it up on the way, but his intentions were always good. He loved him for that. Craig and him were always considered the muscle in their work, never the brains. Deran only hoped Craig could see he could do it too, if he only steered clear of all the drugs he'd been doing. It was getting worse and Deran would do all he could to keep Craig from becoming an addict. So when Craig proposed the plan for their next job, Daren was all-in. Giving him the vote of confidence he had in him and encouraging him to stay clean until after the job. Which was working.

The day was finally here and people slowly started making their way into the bar. A few commenting and pointing out there was no sign out front indicating a business was open or that there was even a bar. All noted. That was what Deran had wanted. Just a little notoriety. Not some swanky trendy bar to draw in the pretentious buyer. Of course, that wouldn't be bad for business, but that wasn't Deran. His bar would be proud to sell to the locals and surfers okay with buying cheap beer, tequila shots, and maybe on a good night witness someone get their teeth kicked in.

Slowly but surely the place began to fill up and Daren was called back to help out behind the bar. Suddenly, he was faced with the beautiful man himself, in the flesh, Adrian. He didn't know what to feel or what to say. It had been months since they'd last spoke, so he decided to just take it as the usual business exchange.  


"You bartending?" Adrian asked.  


"I own the bar." Deran replied with the smirk.

Adrian then commented on how much Smurf gave him for the place, and it hit him like a punch to the groin. Of course, Adrian would think Smurf would have to do with his success. But he just smiled at Adrian's lack of faith in him and simply replied that it had nothing to do with her. The astounded face Adrian made only made him laugh and a little more confident.  


"I would have given you the news, but you kind of made it clear you didn't want to hear from me," he said pointedly. The last few months Adrian had been off the map, maybe just to deran, but it had been understood. That hurt. Yet, here he was heart almost beating out of his chest.  


" Anyway, what do you want?" He looked straight at Adrian wishing he'd say he wanted him when everyone started to chat "speech".

Leave it to Smurf to ruin a good night. Ruin a good moment. He just wanted a few moments with Adrian, even if they felt awkward as hell. He didn't know how much he wanted to see him till then. Fuck, why did he invite her. Oh yeah, it was going to be his last "fuck you" to her. Her baby boy didn't need her guiding hand and fake mother hen act. He done it by himself in spite of her.

Instead he find himself outback fuming and pacing. Smurf slowly steps up behind him. Always playing the worried doting mother and he just lets her have it.  


"You couldn't just let me have, even this?..I'm gay!" And again she tries to reassure him everything's okay. But it isn't. It's never been. She's always been the problem. Always been the one to play his brothers and him against one another. To fight for the spot of who was her better son. Her right hand. He saw it all now.  


"You never loved me. You never loved any of us. It's all about you. It's always been about you."

There it was. The look on her face he never seen. She knew that I'd figured her out. There was no panic or pain in the look. Because at that point I'm sure she knew she'd lost my loyalty to her. There was only indifference. And I was free. Free from her, from her love, and constant need of acceptance. I didn't have to hide. Not anymore, maybe never had to. She knew all along and she just let me hate myself trying to be what she wanted me to be. Or what I thought she wanted from me. What kind of mother does that? Then again, she never was normal mother. We'd grown up with a woman who created a matriarch and refused to step down.

We would never measure up to her. We would always be her fucked-up sons. All muscle, no brains. In her eyes we would never succeed if it weren't for her. She'd see it now. All of us were done being her workers. We all had something going for us and she was no longer included. She hated it, and we relished in the thought of no longer being her puppets.

I leave her standing there alone to tend to MY business. There's only a few hours left till last call and I'm scanning the room looking for Adrian. He's nowhere around. I take my phone out and shoot him a quick text.  


"This still your number?" I place my phone down on the bar not expecting a reply so fast.  


"Yup what's up?" He text back.  


"Stop by for a quick drink after hours. Maybe we can catch up?" I hold my breath hoping I don't sound too needy. Hoping he'll say yes.  


"Maybe next time? Congrats on your new venture man. Seriously? Looks good on you. Laters D."

I can't help but feel a little disappointed. At least he came. He knows I'm not just some fucking loser. I mean I am, but I'm trying to be better. He'll see it. Things had to get better. No more lies. No more hiding. No more Smurf. Fuck...THIS. IS.LIVING!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These next couple chapters will include both Adrian's and Deran's POV's. They will also stray from the plot in season 2. It is my believe that the writers will probably develop Deran's character more freely and with less of Adrian. I mean Deran just came out, of course he'd want to let his freak flag fly. I still hold out hope that they keep my loves together and give Deran the oportunity to redeem himself in Adrian's eyes, and of course my eyes. They deserve happiness (together ).

It only took one slip and Adrian had finally gave into catching up with Daren. He wasn't sure if it was because Deran had insisted or that he just really wanted to know about the changes in the man's life. So there he sat, middle of the afternoon in an empty bar, watching Deran's sexy ass walk away to fetch them some beers. He shouldn't be staring but, damn, he just couldn't help himself. If he wasn't mistaken Adrian noticed the same nervousness in Deran. He was constantly playing with his hair, not keeping eye contact, and even might have seen him blush a couple of times.

Something was different, yet so familiar. Maybe they'd both get liquid courage after a few rounds. Help all these unexplained emotions surface and finally be vocalized.

Deran looked up through hooded eyes and finally asked Adrian what was new with him. He very nervously gave him a shy smile and bit his bottom lip causing Adrian to lose his train of thought. Adrian cleared his throat and look down at his beer bottle and let him in on his new goals and was surprised to know they were both changing their lifestyles. It was like they were back to being their old selves, but with less baggage. Somehow much more mature in their way of thinking and in their way of communicating.

They both finally let their nerves go and Deran told Adrian he'd finally come out to Smurf. He never been more proud of Deran than at that moment. It only proved that the change he was noticing in him was in fact real. He look more relaxed, more confident, and happier. That was all Adrian had ever wanted for him and he was happy he finally found it. He'd hug him if he knew for sure Deran wouldn't be embarrassed. Baby steps.

"Heard you spent time in OC with Dave these last couple months," Deran finally had the balls to drop that into their conversation. "You and him giving it a go again?" He asked without his eye straying off his hands on the bottle.

He'd kick himself later for wanting to know, but he had to ask. It had been killing him. Adrian cleared his throat and confusion, wondering where Deran had gotten that from. Then he remembered his last conversation with Craig.  


"No...he offered but I decided to head back up north and spent some time with my folks. It's kind of where the whole UC idea came from." He looked at Deran and saw relief in his face.  
"How about you? You've been whoring around since you came out?" Adrian laughed as Deran face became red and quietly chuckled.  


" Matter of fact.." Deran smirked and Adrian instantly knew the answer and regretted even asking the question.  


"Kind of hooked up with this... Mark Liston. Got out of paying a fee and an accountant or bookkeeper, or some shit."

Of course he knew him. He didn't like the fact that Deran was into him. But what could he do or say. He had no claim over Deran.  


"So that's what's your into these days?" Adrian shook his head. "I don't know D, you both are douchebags. Might be a competition there." He tried to sound playful and unaffected but he was jealous. He smiled at Deran hoping he wouldn't see through his facade. Deran hadn't looked up and simply laughed quietly giving Adrian time to gather his thoughts.

"So you plan on doing the whole dating scene?" Adrian asked taking a drink. Damn, why was he asking these questions. He wishes he could read his mind. He used to be able to read him before he even spoke a word, but things were different now.  


"I've never been much for dating. Fuck, I don't know, haven't really given it much thought." The only person on his mind even while fucking Mark had been Adrian. He couldn't admit that to him though. Adrian would surely run for the hills. He be damned if he lost contact with him again.

He felt unsettled as he saw Adrian pull out his wallet to pay for his drinks. Deran immediately pushed his hand and money away.  


"No worries man. You heading out?" All Deran wanted to do was ask Adrian to stay, but he understood he might be leery so he just nodded when Adrian replied a simple 'yes'. Time with Adrian always went by too fast. Still he was happy he accepted to sit down with him for however long.  


"Okay, see you. Come around anytime. Don't be a stranger." Adrian smiled his genuine smile and that assured Deran he'd see him again.


	7. Chapter 7

Business had picked up at The Drop and it only confirmed Deran's belief that he could run a successful bar. Business had only been open a couple weeks but he'd already begin to see he had his regulars. It had been a little more tough to get away to create any semblance of a personal life, but any chance he got he tried to entice Adrian to spend it with him. As friends, of course, but it was better than nothing.

Every chance encounter had been only between them. No third wheel to take away his undivided attention. Although there had been days Adrian still hesitated to agree to hang, he always gave in. Deran would beg if he'd have to, but thank God it hadn't come down to that.

Today has been one of those days that Deran had coaxed Adrian to meet him at their spot. Somewhere not too crowded. A place where only certain locals knew of. The last few get-togethers had been in very crowded places and it had felt like competition to keep Adrian soul attention. Fans always gone out of their way to congratulate Adrian on his surfing. He was well-known around SC, and Adrian would never be rude to anyone. It was in his nature to always show his appreciation and placate whoever took the time to show any support in his career.

That said, he'd step aside until people got the hint that they were invading his personal space and departed apologetically. Deran would never hold that against him. He was completely mesmerized by Adrian himself, but he couldn't help the jealousy and apprehension he felt thinking how Adrian would find someone better than Deran's company. 

So today it would only be them and a few locals out on the waves. Things were a little simpler now with some points of awkwardness, but nothing they couldn't get past. Deran stepped out his lime green truck as he saw Adrian make his way down to the beach with his board. He was a lot leaner these days. Even more pale than usual he wondered why the drastic change in Adrian. He'd try to get down to that once they were out on the water.

Wasting no time they both made their way into the waves and onto their boards. No need for talk, simply feel and watch for the perfect moment to catch a wave. Adrian caught the first one and it excited Deran to see Adrian hadn't lost his touch. He was still the skilled Pro Surfer all his titles had claimed him to be. Still amazing in the way his body moved along the with the water. Still beautiful. Still breathtaking.

It had only been when Adrian looked back to catch Deran's attention that he realized he was blatantly staring at Adrian. In his haste to act normal Deran had rushed his stance on the board catching a harsh wave that knocked him off his board and under the water. He was still underwater when the second current came around and pushed him further down until his right leg grazed the rocks at the bottom of the ocean.

He surfaced with the grimace on his face and began to swim to his board a few strokes away. He heard Adrian swim over to him and immediately noticed the streaks of blood pooling around Daren's right leg. They both swam back to the beach. Deran hoping Adrian wouldn't mention his lack of concentration.

Streaks of blood slowly trailed down his leg. The wetsuit torn at the area his leg had hit the rough edges of the rocks. Adrian had half his suit down to his waist and was kneeling beside Deran's leg to inspect the damage. He squinted his eyes against the sun and looked up that Deran.  


"You think you can manage walking to your car and I can drive it to my apartment?"  


Deran looked at him, "you sure? I could just go home and clean it up at my place, wouldn't want to inconvenience you."

Adrian laughed quietly. "I doubt you have anything resembling a first aid kit besides paper towels at your place. Seriously, D. I have some shit at my place to patch you up. No worries. Can you walk?" Deran nodded and followed behind him as Adrian placed both their boards in the back of his truck.

His leg was beginning to sting and throb as he felt the warm blood slowly trickle over his suit. Adrian noticed the grimace once again and announced he'd give him a couple of Tylenol tabs when they got to his apartment. True to his word Adrian directed Deran to the restroom and returned with a bottle of beer, two tylenols, and a first aid kit.

Deran took the tylenol and beer and downed it. Adrian held a pair of scissors in hand and explained it would be easier to cut the remainder of the right leg so it be easier for Deran to remove his suit. After cutting a good length he stepped aside to the restroom counter and begin taking out gauze, disinfectant, antiseptic, and a bandage while Deran removed his wetsuit.

"You ready?" Adrian asked and Deran simply nodded. 

He watched as he carefully cleaned around the torn skin and gave the yelp as he began to pour the antiseptic. 

"You pussy," Adrian laughed out loud throwing his head back almost losing his balance. "What happened to the skydiving, knuckle busting, adrenaline junkie I knew? Can't handle a little sting?" And they were both laughing. 

Deran cursed again as Adrian poured more antiseptic onto the wound and leaned over to inspect what the fuck he was actually doing to his leg.

The smile Adrian had plastered on his face never faltered until he felt Deran's wet locks brush against his cheek. They both held their breaths and looked into each other's eyes until Adrian looked away and concentrated on cleaning Deran's wound. Deran on the other hand, didn't shift or look away. This was the closest he'd been to Adrian in 3 months and he wanted more.

He reached down without thinking; stilled Adrian's hand and waited for him to look up at him. Deran searched his blue eyes and found the familiar freckles he loved to count. Without even knowing he reached out to cup Adrians' jaw. Slowly sliding his thumb over Adrian's bottom lip. He felt the soft sigh leave his lips and graze the pad of his thumb, and slowly lowered his lips closer to Adrian's.

Adrian reaction was to slowly jerk away and it stopped Deran in his quest. He would not just take a kiss from Adrian if he was not willing to give it. Adrian stared intently back at Deran, questioningly. He saw Daren stair hungrily at his lips still stroking his bottom lip with his thumb. He was asking for permission and not just demanding as he always had. That melted his resolve and he slowly leaned into his hold and felt Deran's warm breath on his face. Then came the slow flicker of his tongue against his top lip before the soft snip of his teeth grazing his bottom lip.

It was like a drug. He wanted more and ached when he didn't feel Derans' lips press into his. So Adrian softly opened his eyes and looked into Deran's. He'd never seen this look in his eyes or his face this soft. It was too much, yet not enough and Adrian leaned his forehead against Derans. Both slowly breathing in their warm breath.  


"Adrian..." Deran whisper quietly. Wantingly. That's all it took for Adrian to reach up and run his fingers into Daren's hair and hungrily claim his lips.

He heard Deran moan and sigh into his lips as he cupped Adrian's face adoringly and roamed his tongue into his mouth. He'd never been kissed like this by Deran. Only received his brazen and demanding kisses. This was so different, Adrian savored every second, waiting for Deran to push him away. He never did. 

They lost track of time and the task at hand until Adrian stopped the kiss by pulling away. Deran held onto his face softly, again searching for a reason to Adrian sudden reaction. But he couldn't bring himself to look him in the eye.

Roles were reversed this time around. It always been Deran to avoid his gaze but this time it was him. He'd waited too long for this to happen and now that it finally had, he was terrified to lose it. So he'd rather pretend it never happened.

"We should finish getting you fixed up, wouldn't want it to get infected," Adrian stated as he moved away from Derans' hold. He immediately regretted it wanting the contact again. Deran cleared his throat and ran his hand through his hair sadly. Or maybe confused? He didn't want to think about it. Only admired Adrian swollen lips and the thrumming pulse at the base of his neck. His cheeks, neck, and ears were flushed and he smiled at the knowledge that he could do that to Adrian.

He wanted to stay and continue his slow exploration of his mouth, but for whatever reason Adrian had stopped him. So he had to respect his wishes. Too soon Adrian's hands were no longer on his leg or anywhere near Deran. His skin still tingled where his hands had been and it pained him to see Adrian avoiding his gaze.

Deran stood behind Adrian in the small restroom. Pressing his chest to Adrian's back and his hand to his hip. He felt him tense then stop whatever he was doing to look at Derans' hand on his hip in the mirror. Still not willing to meet his eyes.  


"It's okay Adrian, I understand." Deran said softly near his ear. The warmth of his breath leaving goosebumps in its wake. 

"Thanks for everything. I... I'll show myself out."

He heard him step away from him quietly and caught a glimpse of Derans' profile in the mirror as he left the restroom. His thumb running over his lips, wanting to feel Adrians' kiss still lingering, then simply let himself out of his apartment.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran

Shit. Deran missed Adrian. His heart nearly stopped every time he saw someone somewhat resembling Adrian walk into the bar. He'd sent him texts a few times in the past week, but always only got a short reply. He was kicking himself now for the kiss he initiated. Maybe it was too soon, but he couldn't regret it completely. He'd never kissed anyone like that. Adrian wasn't just anyone though. After fighting and denying it for so long he finally admitted to himself he was in love with his beautiful freckled boy. His best friend. Always had been.

He was far from deserving him. Adrian was pure in all senses. He was a damn good friend. Always there when he was needed, keeping his secret and also his family secret. Not that he knew much of the family business. He knew they weren't necessarily realtors or bank tellers, but he never judged Deran for his part in any of it. Never asked him about it and Deran had always been grateful for it. 

He'd always done his best to keep Smurf and his lifestyle away from Adrian. The thought of him getting hurt or being persecuted by law enforcement like J and Catherine had been. Guilty By Association. He hated even the thought of anyone harassing Adrian to get to him or to the Cody family. No doubt Adrian wouldn't say shit against them, but he still wanted anything and anyone that would taint him in any way far away.

He fucking loved him and he'd do anything to keep him out of harm's way. Of course, he'd been the one to hurt him, but he was trying to fix it. Fix things between them. Build trust and open communication and all that shit. He wanted to deserve to be with him. For Adrian to be proud to be seen with him, even if it was only as friends, for now, because he wanted so much more than friendship with Adrian.

He hated the jealousy he felt hearing about a date here and there he'd had with a guy he met. He'd always listen and smile, but all he really wanted to do was hunt the fuckers down and make sure they'd keep their hands and anybody part off and away from Adrian. It felt weird hearing all of the details from Adrian and it tortured him to know that he never given Adrian anything normal. It was always in the shadows. Even once they were alone it always had to be rushed and savage when they'd been intimate.

That had been something he craved these days. Not just with anyone though. He'd found the Grindr app everyone uses for hooking up and had his kicks, but he didn't have the urge to kiss or touch anyone like he wanted to with Adrian. To go slow and explore everything he'd denied himself for years. To look at him and hold his gaze without shame and the longing in his eyes. Damn, he'd been an asshole and Adrian deserved better.

Now that he was out everything felt different. He could give him everything he deserved, but why the fuck would he want him now after all he made him suffer. 

"You sucked my dick like a champ and sucker punched me like a pussy."

He remember seeing his swollen and bruised face after pounding and kicking him all to hide his secret. He hated himself for being the one to cause him so much pain, he never deserve that. Why would anyone want to keep contact with anyone capable of that, yet Adrian was always the exception. He loved him and he'd make him see it, if he'd let him. He wanted to confess it to him but he knew Adrian wouldn't believe him.

Could you blame him? Everything Deran did had always been to his benefit. And now how would Deran loving Adrian be good for him. He'd hurt him, probably not with his fist. He die before raising another hand to him again, but he never been in a relationship. Could he be a good boyfriend? Would he be able to do and say what someone who was committed to another say? Would Adrian risk the chance at being hurt by him once again?

He didn't have a fucking clue, but he'd try.  


"Hey, if you don't have plans for later you should come by and hang out for a while. Miss seeing your face. You know the hours. Hope to see you here." He sent the message before he punked out. 

Had he ever told anyone he'd missed them? He felt his ears heat up because he actually admitted that to Adrian , but it was good, he'd know. He'd see he was trying and not bullshiting about his change. He only hoped he would show up.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrian

He missed seeing my face.?

Shit, had he read that right. Since when had Deran actually voice any real feelings? I stared at my phone in wonder. He was making it hard for Adrian to stay away. The kiss between them last week had shattered all his resistance and his "decision" to keep any physical contact with Deran to a minimum. He wanted him. Maybe even more than before. Things between them were still rocky, but it was obvious that the need they had for one another hadn't changed.

He decided against replying and concentrated on the board. He couldn't help the smile that was plastered on his face as he worked. Could things work out between them. He'd stop contemplating that notion a long time ago. He never thought he'd actually have a chance to be with Deran out in the open. Did he trust him enough to give him a chance. That kiss had been so different. He was different, but how long would it last.

It neared 2 a.m. and Adrian just stared at himself in the mirror. He was making an effort to look good tonight. Even put on cologne. He was an idiot. Things were good between them right now. They shared a kiss, maybe it should be left at that.

Damn, he wanted to see him. He went back into his room and changed his blue button-down shirt for a plain white t and a hoodie. If he was going to meet his friend it would be as himself. He rushed out the room and lock the door behind him before he changed his mind and headed to The Drop.

Traffic was slow and he made it to the bar 10 minutes before closing time. A few cars parked out front with a few people smoking before parting ways. Adrian felt the flutter in his stomach when he opened the door and headed inside. Only a hand full of people were inside finishing their drinks. He made his way to the bar and Heather asked what he'd be drinking. He shot out the name of the beer before she looked up at him smiling giddily. 

"He's been waiting for you. Looking at his phone every 5 minutes," she smirked.

He felt his face heat up as he smiled awkwardly. Had Deran actually talked about him to her. Heather went back to wiping down the counter before hollering to the last few people it was closing time. He got up and headed to the door with the rest of the customers and was blocked by Heather.  


"Sit your cute little ass down, he's in the back. Finish your drink," she smiled. "He'll be happy to see you." Adrian smiled once again scratching his neck as he backed away. Watching Heather float around the bar picking up empty bottles and cups before heading to the back.

He heard shuffling and saw Deran walk out the same door Heather had gone in; looking down at his phone frowning. He couldn't help to wonder what was plaguing him until he heard his phone ping. 

Deran hearing his cell looked up turning a bright shade of red. "Adrian, shit, you came," he smiled crookedly.  


"Yeah, sorry I didn't realize it was so late," he lied shamelessly. "We could always hang out tomorrow," he said standing up.  


"No. Stay please, give me a minute." Deran took off to the back allowing Adrian to look at his phone. It was a text from Deran from a few minutes ago. 

"Sorry I didn't see you tonight. Maybe tomorrow? Please. I miss you."

Heather came out of the back laughing. "Good to see you again Adrian. See you around, play nice!" She giggled and walked out the bar. Adrian was smiling as he heard Deran walk up to the bar.  


"I let her go, not much to clean up," he waved his hand towards the empty room. Deran took out a bottle of beer and took a big swig before looking back at Adrian. "Happy you came by," again with that crooked smile.

Deran walked around the bar and headed to the door to lock up. Adrian turned on the bar stool he was sitting on and watch the shorter man strut to the door. His mouth watering as he took in his muscled back and ass. He cleared his throat and quietly made his way to stand behind Deran, not having a single clue what he was jabbering about.

He stretched out his right hand and place it on the door while his other hand held Deran's hip lightly. He leaned down to his ear and felt Deran's hair against the left side of his cheek. He breathed in his scent of liquor, cigarettes, and the musky smell that was all Deran. 

"You miss me?" He asked quietly not wavering on his nearness.

It could go one of two ways. He'd get his teeth kicked in or get to see if this new Deran was the real thing. He saw Deran bow his head and he prepared himself for the punch, but was surprised to hear Deran's quiet voice.

"Of course I miss you... fuck, Adrian." He said turning around slowly looking up at him shyly. "You're all I fucking think about."

Deran slowly ran his hands up Adrian's torso, chest, and finally up his neck bringing his forehead to lean against his. Sighing quietly at the contact.  


"I fucking miss you, I want you," he said as he grazed his lips against Adrian's closing his eyes. 

He saw Deran close his blue-green eyes and struggle to press his body towards Adrian. Slowly grinding his lower body against him as he softly held onto his face: now kissing him softly, wanting for Adrian to open his mouth and accept his kiss.

He couldn't believe it. He had his eyes studying a very wanting Deran before him. He wanted him. He had been sincere and his heart melted for the new man in his arms. Adrian tugged on Deran's long locks, causing him to look up at him. Face flushed and panting.  


"You want me?" the question stated doubtfully. Deran stared back at him certain.  


"Always have. Still do." He licked his lips while staring at Adrian "always will."

Deran launched at Adrian, and this time he opened his mouth to receiving Derans' searing kiss. Both men holding on to each others face like anchors. It was Adrian now who was demanding. Fisting Derans' blonde locks and biting his lips. Hearing him moan at every suck and pull of his tongue. Deran walked Adrian back as if trying to make them into one. Adrian stumbled onto the bar stool and sat down clumsily catching Deran between his legs before they both fell back.

Both breathing heavily into each other's mouths, never losing their grip on each other.  


"It's nice to be missed sometimes," Adrian sighed and laughed quietly looking down at the way Derans' hands gripped his white T-shirt, holding him close. "Even better hearing it coming from you."

Deran's eyes shined as he looked at him smiling shyly. He cleared his throat. "So, did you miss me?" 

The question sounded almost hopeful and for the life of him Adrian had no clue how to answer him. He felt Derans' grip loosen on his shirt, ready to retreat and hide away again.  


"Hey, come here." Adrian reach up sliding his fingers around Deran's neck, bringing him a breath closer. "Don't do that, please. Don't run. I'm here, don't hide from me." He pulled him in once again and deepend the kiss without a protest from Deran.

He still had no clue how to answer Deran. So instead he offered to help him clear the tables or whatever needed to be done. There was no awkwardness to them, just two friends hanging out and catching up. They'd figure the rest out. Hopefully sooner than later.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Deran's and Adrian's POV.

So maybe Adrian didn't reciprocate his feelings, and that hurt like hell. He still planned on being honest and maybe Adrian would eventually develop some feelings for him. I mean he didn't treat Adrian the way he deserved from the beginning, but things could change. He looked at him across the bar being his usual helpful friendly self. Chatting away and filling up the silence.

Deran found himself weighing in on the conversation as he listened to Adrian talk about his coming up classes and the lack of social life he hadn't had for a while. Deran thought back to his smaller figure and pale skin and asked him why the change. Since he'd known him he knew Adrian to spend much of his time in the water, always preparing for the next competition or anything evolving the ocean.

"It just wasn't fun anymore, you know?" Adrian stopped what he was doing and walked over to Deran. "I wasn't in a good place. I'm only telling you this because we're friends, right? Everything is cool between us?"

There it was. Adrian saw him as a friend. Nothing more nothing less. Deran swallowed down the bitter taste in his mouth and calmed his breaking heart. Friends. He'd work to be more than friends to Adrian. "Yeah man. Always," Deran replied almost in tears and quickly looked away.

"I was avoiding you, D. Things were shitty and we hung in the same circle, same spots. I just needed space. Figured we both do our own thing before figuring things out." Adrian spoke quietly and cautiously

Deran hated the sound of Adrian's voice. He sounded like he was guarded, scared at what Deran's reaction to his words might be. The last thing he wanted was for him to feel any type of fear towards him, another thing he had to fix. 

"So I went home," Adrian laugh cynically. "Pussy move, I know, but i thought you'd reach out and I wasn't ready for that." Adrian looked up nervously at Deran. 

Deran stared back at him with remorseful eyes. "I did look for you after the last text. I... Um, I was really worried about you. Hadn't seen you in a month." He cleared his throat sitting next to Adrian and staring straight head. Trying to divulge his thoughts and actions in those past days.

"I went down to your shop, Ed wasn't much help. Wouldn't tell me shit," Deran snickered scratching his nose. "So as soon as he stepped away I went into your office to look for some clues. Didn't have to search too long, he had your folks number written down on post it by the phone."

Adrian looked at him and laughed loudly. "Stalker now?" The comment made Deran laugh because he always made it a point to know where Adrian was. Even before their last falling out. But Adrian didn't need to know that.

"Yeah. Well, I called your folks. I thought you'd been with Dave all along so I was surprised when your dad told me you'd been home."

Deran remembered how Adrian's father had gone on about him being worried about his son and asking if he himself knew if Adrian was in any trouble. What could Deran possibly answer, that Adrian was running away from him? He just knew he was relieved he wasn't with Dave. So he did his best to reassure Adrian father that he just needed a vacation. He heard the relief in his voice immediately, and when he asked if he wanted to speak to his son, he simply said he was only checking in to see if he was okay.

"I asked him not to mention I'd called, and to just let you enjoy your vacation because I knew you had left because of me." He looked at Adrian through blurry eyes. "I never meant to hurt you Adrian, and the more I tried to make things better I fucked it up worse." Deran quickly wiped the tears threatening to pour down his face. "I always hurt you," Deran was now facing Adrian closing the distance between them, "but I can never stay away." He didn't care that tears were now flowing down his face, or that he was breathing heavy and that his voice broke with every spoken word.

"I just... missed you. I wanted to see you." Deran gripped Adrian shirt again as if to make sure he was actually there and not some apparition. "Fuck, I need you Adrian... And if you tell me right now to stay away and that you want nothing to do with me. Friendship or otherwise, it'll hurt like hell but I'll go. I'll let you be." Deran looked frantic and pleading up at his freckled boy.

"But please just... Just give me a shot. A chance to show you I'm changing. I'm changing each day." Deran stopped speaking when he saw Adrian shake his head. Heart crashing into his stomach.

"I'm here because I missed you too, Deran." Adrian spoke almost in a trance. Looking down at the man he had fallen in love with ever since he was a teenager. His tear-stained face causing wonder and pain at the same time. He'd never seen Deran display this kind of sentiment like now. It broke his heart but also gave him hope.

Adrian hovered closer to Derans' face. Studying his face intently before kissing him softly. Relishing in the feeling of Deran scruffy beard and mustache against his lips and face.il

"I missed you." Adrian breathed in deeply before devouring Derans' mouth hungrily. Letting Deran latch onto his neck while he inched their bodies closer. He felt Derans" growing dick against his leg and he ached to rub it. He craved him now more than ever and he found himself walking them into the back room.

" I want you," Adrian murmured against Derans' lips which had Deran smiling. He ran his hands under his white T-shirt tugging it up and off of Adrian. Immediately admiring the body he missed so much. He ran his tanned hands over Adrian's pale skin and pink nipples. Smirking at them hardening with one simple touch. Then his eyes traveled up to his freckled sprinkled shoulders and he couldn't fathom the happiness he felt.

"You're fucking beautiful." He smiled up at Adrian when he saw him reddening at his compliment. He stepped closer and scattered small wet kisses along several freckles on his shoulder until he met the side of his neck. He felt Adrian shutter and lean his face to the side to allow his further exploration. Giving him the liberty to do as he pleased.

Adrian moaned has he felt Deran lick then suck on his neck leaving a noticeable bruise. He felt Deran reach around and run his hands up his back and into his short hair breathing hotly into his ear before licking it and speaking breathlessly. "Kiss me." It took Adrian but a moment to process the plea before biting Deran's bottom lip and pulling him roughly against him and properly claiming his mouth. His tongue demonstrating what would soon be happening. Adrian felt Deran hand slip into his jeans and palm his ass.

"We doing this with clothes on?" Adrian asked sarcastically and tugged at Derane' flannel shirt which he quickly dispersed along with his shorts. He ardently walked to Adrian side opening the drawer next to the couch and getting out a small bottle of lube.

"Should I do the honors." Deran quickly began unbuttoning and pulling down Adrian's jeans and briefs before giving him a chance to reply then pushed him down to the couch. He looked down at Adrian dick standing proudly and throbbing. Today Adrian would be the receiver, he always wanted to do this with and for Adrian and now was the perfect time.

Deran swirled his tongue along his slit and down the length of Adrian's cock, eliciting a sharp intake of breath from his freckled boy. He stared up and him not wanting to miss a single facial expression and took him deeper into his throat whenever he saw and felt Adrian getting closer. All at the same time preparing him with his fingers.

He felt Adrain fist his hair with both hands and pull him off his dick with the choked grunt. "I'm ready. I'm ready. Please." He tugged again at his locks and brought him up to his face. Taking his lips and tasting himself on Deran. It was intoxicating. He began to turn around when Deran grabbed his hip stopping him in place.

"I want to see you." He saw a flicker of confusion on Adrian's face. This was new to both of them. Deran never allowed any kind of intimacy in their fucking. But this wouldn't be just another lay. Not for Deran. He was going to make love to Adrian the proper way. No hiding. Not a quickie. Maybe then Adrian would look at him differently, he needed him to see him with different eyes.

Adrian relaxed a little as he laid back not really sure what to do with his hands until he felt Deran kneel between his legs smiling nervously at him and handing him the tube of lube. He leaned over him showering him with wet kisses. They both sighed as they felt their dicks rub against each other. Deran throwing his head back and grinding his dick once again against Adrian. 

He looked down and delighted in seeing Adrian's pale skin flushed and hot. "Fuck, Adrian I want you." Adrian felt the lube in his hand and realized Deran had purposely given it to him to indicate and initiate whenever he was ready, so he popped open the tube and squirted a good amount of lubricant on his palm before wrapping his fist around Deras' cock.

He heard Deran swear incoherently as he slowly and firmly stroked him and felt himself throb against his stomach. He needed to get him inside him before he exploded. Deran looked down at him as he felt Adrian guide his dick to his entrance, slowly circling it with the head of his cock.

Before he knew it Adrian shimmed down just enough to feel Deran's head enter his tight hole. Causing him to moan at the burning sensation. He grabbed Deran's hair holding it away from his face and looking up at him. Silently asking for a second to allow him to adjust. He felt Deran reach up and stroke his face and slowly rain kisses on his face, down his neck, and to his collar bone. It felt perfect.

"Now Deran," Adrian whispered. Adrian still held onto Derans hair wanting to see his face and eyes. Deran slowly swayed his hips into Adrian, completely lost in his eyes. He placed his forehead on Adrian's and licked his top lip as he slowly penetrated him. Once fully inside, he felt him relax and wrap his legs around his hips holding Deran tight against him.

To feel Adrian so close after so long was torture and peace. He began to move his hips harder and faster feeling satisfaction as he heard Adrian moan into his ear and scratch his back. He needed more and put his arms under Adrian's body gripping his shoulders and pulling him down to receive each thrust. He felt Adrian teeth sink into his shoulder and he ground his hips hitting Adrian's prostrate.

He pulled away slightly to see his face and confirmed what he fell for this man was love. It wasn't just lust. Here in this moment he wanted nothing more but Adrian. He slowed his thrust kissing him deeply until he felt Adrian wreathing under him, panting for more with desperate kisses. Deran felt his own build and felt Adrian contract around his leaking dick.

They both panted, sharing the same breath as they held on to one another and came. Deran never looked away or even pulled away. He wanted to stay like this as long as possible. With Adrian's legs entwined in his and his fingers slowly massaging his scalp. He pulled out and regretted the lack of connection. Adrian began to move and sit up, but he still wasn't ready to let go and asked him to stay. Adrian laughed and reminded him they needed to clean up to which Deran leaned over Adrian and licked his come off his torso, and cleaned himself off with the T-shirt he'd been wearing under his flannel. Both content and sated they drifted off to sleep.

The sun hit Adrian's face first and he slowly opened his eyes. Feeling Deran's legs still entwined with his and his warm breath on the nape of his neck. When had they change positions. He had no clue. He looked down at Deran's right arm around his waist and smiled at the metamorphosis that occurred in Deran.

Although he wanted to stay he decided against it. He'd save Deran the mortification of waking up with what he might consider a mistake. Adrian took one last side glance at the sleeping God displayed beside him and quietly got up and began to dress. He grazed his lips against Derans cautiously not wanting to wake him and walked out the back door. He prayed all the way home that last night wouldn't be a regret for Deran because it wasn't for him.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran

I wake up with the smile and a groan when I feel my dick hardening as memories of last night come flooding back. The smell of Adrian still lingers on my skin and in the air. Then I realized he's not laying next to me. I never appreciated the couch I slept on until last night. It isn't very big and it gave me every excuse to touch and hold on to Adrian's warm body. I listen carefully trying to hear where he might be, but can only hear dead silence. I call out his name but a reply is never heard.

Would he have left without telling me? I sit up and desperately start looking for a note he might have left behind. I grab my cell out of the pocket of my shorts on the floor and there's no message or missed call from him. Fuck. I'm panicking now and want nothing more but to head to his place and make sure he's okay with what happened last night. To ask if he regrets it. Mostly just want to see his eyes and kiss him. To let him know he's the one in charge. That we could be whatever he wants us to be.

Fuck! What had he done? Adrian had responded to him last night. He had initiated the kiss and Deran had only responded. Adrian had told him he wanted him, and now...Why had he ran? Adrian regretted it, Deran knew it. That didn't stop Deran from wanting to see him. To hear him. He just needs to know he's okay. That they're okay.

He frantically dials Adrian's number and hears 3 rings before his voicemail picks up. He closes his eyes and listens to Adrian's voice asking to leave a message at the beep. It's insane what just listening to his voice can make him feel. He doesn't leave a message and wants to call back if only to hear his voice again, but decides to send a text instead.

"Is everything okay, are you okay?" It's barely 20 past 7am and they should be asleep right now. Adrian safe and secure in his arms. He has a million question he wants to ask, but settles with waiting for his reply.

Deran looks around at the disarray of scattered clothing last nights tryst left behind and he picks up his boxers and shorts and puts them on. He gathers the rest of the clothes and throws them on the chair next to his desk when he sees a faded blue hoodie on top of the desk. It's not his. 

He picks it up and recognizes it. Remembers Adrian having it on before putting it there when he helped Deran "clean up". He picks it up and smells it. Appreciating the smell that is all Adrian. If he could bottle it up and store it away for his enjoyment he would.

The size is smaller for Deran's broad shoulders, but he puts it on anyway, wanting nothing more than to be surrounded by Adrian. If not in his arms or presence, at least by his smell.

His phone vibrates in his pocket and he feels his heart accelerate. Anticipating a text from his freckled boy. To his disappointment it's only Pope asking about his cut on their last job and asking where Craig might be. Hell if he knew. He'd been feeling like he was babysitting his older brother lately, and after the last job he let him do his own thing.

He's a little annoyed with how his morning has started off. He thought he'd be deep in Adrian right now, getting his fill of him. Even just listening to him talk and laugh would have been suffice. He smells one of the hoodie sleeves and sighs. It would have to do. He zips it up and begins his usual routine around the bar. Constantly checking the time and his phone for a sign that Adrian is alive. Maybe he should do a drive-by. Before he knows it he's locking up the bars doors behind him and headed to Adrian's house.

It's pitiful. He parks a few houses down Adrian's block and sees his vehicle parked in his driveway. It's not really stalking, he's just making sure he made it home safely. What the hell, he shoots him a second text. It had been three hours now, not creepy right.

"Yo, you left something behind when you snuck out this morning. Just let me know you're okay." He takes a corny picture of him in the hoodie and attaches it to the text and sends it.

He waits 10 minutes for a reply. Sitting in his truck looking across the street waiting for a sign of life that never comes. He takes off before a neighbor notices him and freaks out and calls the cops. He flips a bitch not wanting to make his spying too obvious and heads back to the bar disappointed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am aware I'm not completely sticking to our loves character's on the show. That said, I wanted a lil more from and for them in this season. Haven't really been happy with the way their storyline is being developed this season so this is my fix on that. That is the marvel of fanfiction. Enjoy!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrian

The texts keep coming in one after another. Sometimes in a cluster and it makes Adrian laugh. It would be easy to just text or call him back, but he's actually enjoying knowing Deran is freaking out. It's just so unlike him. Well, thinking about it clearly; Deran is pretty easy to freak out, but not over an unanswered call or text. Much less from him of all things. It feels really nice. He's enjoying it too much.

The picture attached to his second text had Adrians' mouth watering. His hoodie had been zipped down perfectly displaying his chiseled chest. Derans' wicked smirk had him stroking his dick above his pants. He was teasing him, daring him to call back. Then he noticed the familiar background and recognized the cars and houses. He stared astonished, zooming in on the street name on the stop sign. It was his block.

Shit... Deran had a been near his apartment at that specific moment to... Stalk him? He's laughing hysterically now. What the hell was happening to the adrenaline thug he'd known for years? He's far from feeling scared of Deran at this moment. Throwing all caution to the wind.

"You coming by tonight? Not really liking the silent treatment, hope I see you tonight."

It's past 7 p.m. and Adrian decides to head home and clean up. It had been a pretty productive day at work, and now it was time to alleviate Derans' conscience and curious mind.

There's no trepidation this time as Adrian gets ready to head to the bar. Simple t-shirt, shorts, and sandals will do. Although he might feel some anxiety it is only because of his desire to see his golden-haired boy. He's been torturing himself as well as Deran by not simply answering any one of his various text, but they'd both appreciate the wait once they were facing each other.

The bar is somewhat busy for a weekday and the pride he feels for his friend success surges through him. He walks in and is greeted with a swift head nod and a knowing smile from Heather. He scans the room in search of Deran, but he's nowhere to be seen. He steps up to the bar inhibited and Heather slams a shot of tequila before his hand.

"Drink this hun. You can find your way to the back when you're done," she winks. He leaves her a generous tip before he makes his way to the man he is secretly in love with. He hears shuffling around as he quietly shuts and locks the door behind him. He finds Deran concentrated on a clipboard in his hands and counting boxes of liquor, deep in thought.

Adrian's heart flutters staring at the man before him. "Looks good on you."

Deran's head jerks up at the sound of his voice. His blush creeps up his neck to his face. He licks his lips and tucks his blonde locks behind his ears. His usual nervous trademark. "Yeah, well it smells even better," he says almost breathlessly.

It takes Adrian a second to reach out and put his hand around Deran's neck and pull him up to receive his scorching kiss. Adrian's searching tongue probing his mouth and eliciting desperate pants from Deran. "Why didn't you answer?" Deran asks after pulling away briefly. He's waiting for an answer clutching Adrians hips.

"I wanted you to miss me," Adrian kisses him chaistly. "Did you?" He asks the shorter man playfully.

Deran steps closer closing the small distance between them. "Not as much as I needed you." Deran says it like a loaded confession. It is one thing to want something or someone, but when you need someone it goes beyond all reason. It's essential, like air. Like a vital organ needed to live. That is what Adrian has become to him.  


Deran kisses Adrian softly this time. With the same softness he used the night before. It's addictive. His calloused hands touching him softly. His beard and mustache also soft and tickling despite its coarse appearance. His once unyielding lips now permissive and supple.

A loud knock on the door brings both men back to reality and Deran opens the door. Heather apologizes and quietly asks for help at the bar before quickly returning to clear some tables. Deran looks back at Adrian smiling, "stay." Adrian nods and follows him out to the bar. There is some late celebration from what seems to be a group of college students. Deran hands Adrian a bottle of beer and winks at him before helping Heather take and pour out orders.

It's past 11pm when Adrian is whisked away by a group of guys, all blatantly checking him out. Adrian looks at Deran hoping he checks the anger slowly coming out in his eyes as one very confident and assertive guy corners Adrian and begins to get a little handsy. Adrian tries to use his empty bottle as an excuse to retreat for a new drink, but the guy doesn't catch on and snaps his fingers towards Deran demanding another drink and stepping even closer to Adrian.

Adrian sees Derans' nose flare in irritation. He mumbles something into Heather's ear, and heads over to where Adrian is being cornered with the bottle of beer in hand. He takes a drink from the bottle before setting it on the table besides them, steps around the man who won't take the hint to "fuck off" and fiercely devours Adrian mouth.

The now irritated man clears his throat loudly and Deran looks at him sideways with the threatening glare. "Fuck off asshole, he's not interested," Deran growls. The man immediately raises his hands in defeat and backs away cautiously. Deran turns back around and smiles crookedly at his freckled boy. "You ready to get the fuck out of here?"

"What about the bar?" Adrian asked dumbstruck.  


"Heather's got it covered," Deran states shyly .  


"You want to come over?" Adrian ask quietly looking up optimistically him. 

Deran runs his nose against Adrian's and breaths him in. Tenderly kissing the corner of his mouth. "Let's get the hell out of here then." He smiles and steps aside allowing a euphoric Adrian lead the way.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran

"Thanks back there man," Adrian states quietly as he tries to concentrate on his driving and not on the man sitting next to him.

"You just looked uncomfortable. Had to step in."

That's a lie. Deran was ready to murder the idiot who was way too confident in his game. He had tried to hold back and allow Adrian to handle it himself, but once he saw his unease he was more than ready to pounce. Adrian always the polite natured person he is without fail, always tried to use his words, but some assholes just don't get the hint. That's where Derans' fist would come into the picture. He'd never allow anyone to crowd or accost Adrian. Not in his presence.

Deran searches for the words and the way to bring up their relationship and where the next step should take them, when Adrian is pulling up into his driveway. People are still awake around the neighborhood and Deran is relieved he will not be breaking in through the back window, but walking in through the front door. Invited by Adrian's to be exact. He was doing something right this time around, and it felt incredible.

He walks cautiously into Adrian's home. Everything seems just as he remembers. Still he can't believe he's here, in Adrians' space. Without force, shame, or hiding. It feels so fucking good. Adrian hand waves towards the small living room gesturing for him to sit down and reappears with a couple of beers in hand.

He sits down across from Deran and makes small talk. Nothing too heavy or deep and the sound of his voice soothes and exhilarates Deran like no other.

"What's wrong, why are you so quiet?" Adrian's sweet smile spreading across his face. It's breathtaking. Deran could find no flaw in his freckled boy, even if he tried. He was so far gone in love with him he simply just stared at him mezmorized. 

He's staring like an idiot, but he can't help it. He put his beer down on the coffee table and leans forward with his elbows on his knees. He still searching for the words and tries to put them together, but he can't.

"Do you need me to take you back? I know you're worried about the bar." Adrian stands up pating the pockets on the shorts, searching for his car keys. "I'll take you back, no problem D."

"No!" Deran yelps, nervously combing his locks back and away from his face. "I had to get you out and away from that jerk at the bar," he can't even look him in the eyes as he says it. 

"Oh come on man, don't tell me you were jealous?" Adrian laughs out loud, playfully teasing Deran.

He can't say nothing, giving the smallest nod while staring down at his hands. He hears Adrian's muffled steps on the carpet before he sees his sandaled feet in front of him. Damn, even his toes are beautiful, who the hell can say that about another man! Adrians fingers spread through Deran's hair gently pushing his head back to make him look him in the eye. 

Deran lets out a strangled breath as he skims his fingers up Adrian pale legs and pulls him on to him, Adrian now straddling him. His hands continue to stroke Deran's face and hair while Derans' hands roam Adrians' back.

"Were you jealous, Deran?" His freckled boy asks, and when he doesn't answer he tugs on his blonde locks, forcing Deran to look at him. 

Deran swallows slowly before speaking quietly. "Maybe... yes," he states timidly. His eyes roaming Adrian's freckled face. His hands gently stroking Adrian thighs. "I just wanted you far away from there. From him."

Adrian stares back at him in wonder, heart beating a million miles a minute. "You were jealous?" he asks it incredulously. His hand slides down to Deran's chest and he feels his heart rate is matching his own. 

"All I know is that I don't want to share you." The words come out of his mouth vehemently, then he pulls him into his arms. He's never held something so precious. Adrians soft warm skin connected to Derans. His smell engulfing all his senses as Deran softly kisses his neck and jaw.

He hears Adrian whimper and rock his hips slowly against Derans'. His pale face already flushed. He tightens his arms around Adrian's waist holding him close and in place. Silently telling him he wants more from him. He wants it all. He wants all of Adrian. If he said it now wold Adrian believe it, would he want the same?

"It's just you and me," Adrian whispers close to his mouth, gently sliding the hoodies' zipper down. He leans down and sucks on Deran's neck, pulling his head back with his locks fisted in his hand. "I'm right here... With you. Always." He lowers his lips over Derans and they are both lost in each other.

Adrian tugs on the hoodie inpatiently. Both now laughing at Derans build encased in the two sizes too small clothing. 

"Seriously, D. How did you even get this on?" Adrian laughs while tugging at the sleeves, managing to release one of Derans arms. His eyes sparkling in the dim light.

"I just wanted to have you close." He leans his head into Adrian's chest. It's easier to be vulnerable around Adrian when his blue eyes aren't staring into his soul. "It's hard to stay away from you. I... I don't want to stay away. Fuck.." He sighs exasperated. "Does that even make sense to you?" 

He's hugging Adrian half-expecting him to pull away. Every second is torture. Deran's never had to wonder about what's next, but he finds himself wondering that every time he's with Adrian. Only he always expects the worst. He deserves the worst. Instead he gets gentle kisses on his temple, Adrian's hands roaming his shoulders and chest, and a torturous gaze that doesn't hide his intentions.

He feels Adrian shift off him and removes his own clothing. Silently allowing Deran to gawk at every muscle, scar, and imperfection. For Deran he has not one. There's a small smile on Adrian's face as he tugs the rest of the hoodie off Derans body and then his long fingers start unbuttoning his shorts. He looks up at Deran through hooded eyes and tugs twice until Deran lifts up his legs and does away with them.

He notices Adrian reach into the coffee tables' drawer and pulls out a bottle of lube. He straddles Deran swiftly and kisses him tenderly. "Do you trust me enough to take care of you?" Adrian ask quietly. 

He puts lubricant on his hand and starts stroking both their cocks together in a torturous pace. He admires Derans gorgeous features contourt into bliss at the contact he has made with his skilled fist and hard dick. "Tell me." Adrian demands breathlessly.

"With my life," Deran replies panting. He says it honestly because there is no one other than this man that Deran trusts. He knows all the good, bad, and the worst of Deran, and yet he's here. 

"It's you and me Deran. We take care of each other, right?" 

Adrian's panting along with Deran. Both chasing their release. Deran nods grunting loudly and palming Adrian's ass. He feels Adrian reposition himself and guiding Derans throbbing dick between his ass cheeks and slowly moves up and down.  


"I want to take care of you Deran," Adrian's whispering wantonly. Again asking before he takes. Deran simply nods, too strained to form any words past a groan. He grabs Adrians hips and looks up at his blazing blue eyes as he slowly aligns himself with Derans hard member.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrian

They both moan loudly as Adrian slowly adjust to Derans' every hard-thick inch penetrating him. Both holding on to their control as best they can. Deran kisses Adrian haphazardly, still clinging to Adrians hips preventing him from swaying or grinding against him. Waiting for Adrians glorious muscle to relax around his throbbing cock.

When both their breathing returns slightly to normal he allows his freckled boy to push him back onto the couch and salaciously ride him. Holding onto Derans shoulders as he shudders at every thrust probing at his prostate. His eyes lock with Deran and he thinks he sees love in his eyes, but he reminds himself to get control of his emotions. 

He feels Deran tremble under him, gathering him closer to him. Wanting to fuse them into one skin. They are both so close, so ready. "Adrian, I... You," forming a coherent thought seems next to impossible for Deran at this moment. Fuck.

Then Adrian contracts at just the right moment and has them both climaxing like never before. Both holding on tightly. "Mine. Mine. Mine." The golden-haired goddess repeats above a whisper that Adrian barely hears. He takes Derans face in his hands and pecks adoringly at his lips. Taking advantage of the intimate moment Deran is allowing him to be a part of.

Adrian slowly pulls off of Deran, feeling his seed seep out of him. He pulls Deran up smiling. "Shower?" Adrian asks wagging his eyebrows up and down playfully and Deran follows behind him.

Adrian steps into the shower first standing quietly under the shower head when Deran steps in facing him. He moves aside awkwardly remembering the last time they showered together Deran couldn't or didn't want to be facing him. So Adrian turns around with his bar of soap and continues to lather up his body. 

He feels Deran step up behind him and kisses his shoulder gently. It startles Adrian and he looks at Deran over his shoulder confused. "I wouldn't mind washing your back," the shorter man says quietly taking the soap out of Adrians hands and soaping up his back. His rough hands exploring every inch of his skin. 

He slowly wraps his arms around his stomach, repeating the same demonstration before asking Adrian to turn around so he can do a better job.

Deran sees confusion in his face and bites his lip. "It's easier to face you now. To be able to touch you like this. I always wanted to, but..." Adrians lips stop Deran from forming his thought. 

"I know." Adrian smiles and takes the shampoo and pours some on to Deran's hair. Smiling like an idiot at the liberties he's allowed. Deran looks like a child at bath time. It breaks his heart to realize how much Deran had been holding back and seeing how free he feels now. To see he exudes happiness calms the anger he feels for Smurf.

He rinses Derans hair off and kisses him swiftly before returning the favor and washes his body. Deran dick twitches at Adrian's roaming hands and they both laugh and decide to get out of the shower before the hot water runs out. 

Adrian allows himself to enjoy how attentively Deran towel dries him, then himself. He could get used to it. When they head out the restroom Deran heads for the living room. 

"You don't want to stay over?" He asks a little hurt. 

"Umm, you didn't ask. Do you want me to stay?" Deran answers nervously.

Adrian smiles his sweet smile and pulls Deran into his room and onto his bed. Both facing each other smiling. Deran moves his hand closer to Adrian's, quietly playing with his fingers then entwining them with his. Adrian sees him blush and leans over and kisses his warm cheek.

"I won't tell anyone you like holding hands," he says joking.

Deran moves closer. "not anyone's ...just yours," and closes in on Adrian soft lips.

He feels Deran tug on his hips softly and bring him close for him to hold. They fall asleep staring at each other. Every so often finding each other's lips during the night and making up for all the time lost and what could have been.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran

Things are perfect. The universe is finally shifting in his favor. He doesn't recall ever feeling so overjoyed. He still terrified that he could lose Adrian at any moment. Always on high alert, but he perceives how much Adrian appreciates his attempt at always being honest. It's hard to let down the wall he's built for years, but when it comes to Adrian it becomes a lot more assidious.

He sees the alteration in their manners. In their way of speaking to one another. Derans once cautious, reserved, non committal demeanor completely transformed. Everything is revolutionized and altered, even Adrian. He test Derans senses with a touch, always challenging his restraint. 

On his best days the vigilance he's been so accustomed to carry vanishes. Allowing for their touches, kisses, and looks to be more impetuous. Those days he sees his freckled boy untroubled and light hearted, and he couldn't ask for more. 

All his "hooking up" comes to a halt. His time and thoughts are all invested in Adrian. There is no need to look elsewhere. Adrian is his lover and his best friend. He tells himself he's giving Adrian time to adjust, but in reality he's terrified he'll be told they were better off without labels.

It's early when Adrian stops by and asks to talk to him privately, he immediately panics. Then he sighs in relief when Adrian says he comes bearing gifts. It's a picture of a long-forgotten time of Derans youth. Of his days in competition and he reminisces on his weed smoking, 'let's get this shit done' attitude those days.

Of course being away from Smurf and his brothers was always the best part, but his incentive was his freckled boy being there next to him. Carefree until they caught the high of the next wave. Adrian had mentioned he wanted to compete a few more times before his classes. Deran had just figured he had time to make arrangements for the bar. 

"It'll only be a couple of weeks," he smiled sadly at Deran. "You got this place to run. Figured once you've settled and are comfortable with your business we can take off... Together. Like Belize."

It didn't matter if Adrian was leaving for a few days or a couple of weeks. He didn't want to go a day without seeing him. He was right though, the bar was still freshly opened and he couldn't just up and leave.

"Yeah, man. Guess I just thought you meant you wanted to compete further along the way... But hey, I know you'll fucking kill it." He sniffles embarrassed and stares at the picture Adrian brought by. He feels Adrian's long fingers stroke his face and he leans into his touch. Who the fuck knows when he'll feel those fingers again.

"Hey, I'll be back. It's just a couple of weeks," he says cradlings Derans face in his palms. "Figured you like the break in having me around, maybe chase some tail." He stops abruptly as Deran stands holding Adrian's face tenderly. Stopping his lips from moving with both his thumbs.

Deran shakes his head 'no' vehemently. Wanting to keep him here with him and knowing he can't. He wouldn't. "Go get your medals, titles or whatever shit you want and come back." His eyes roaming his freckled face, locking each one of them away in his vault. His fingers stroke his face, hair, and neck. Taking in everything as if it were his last touch. "We'll get our time," he smiles weakly, "we'll get another Belize."

Adrian opens his legs when he sits on Derans desk and shifts him between his legs. They stare, not wanting to say goodbye, their looks far from lust. Simply love and adoration that they both feel but will not voice. Their kiss is slow and scorching. Long and patient. And when they break apart Deran has to step away before he loses his shit and begs him to stay. 

Adrian picks up the backpack Deran hadn't even noticed he walked in with and heads to the back door. "Be back before you know it," he says quietly. Deran nods and shuffles around in place. Feeling like he stepped into a puddle of quicksand sucking him into the ground. And he's gone.

 

It's been a few days and they text here and there, but Deran refrains from sending more than a couple of texts every couple of hours. He understands Adrian's training and preparing for the competition taking place that weekend and Deran keeps busy. 

It's hell. Heather notices the change in his mood instantly. Offering to take over the bar so he can head down to see his freckled boy. She's got the experience and the management skills. After contemplating the offer he appreciates it, but decides to tough it out.

By the end of the week he hears less and less from Adrian. Only the regular end of the day run down from his exhausted friend. Too sleepy to stay on the phone past their 20-minute talk. He's one of the top five competitors, no surprise. Both his parents showed up to show some support and it irks him he's not there doing the same.

Come Saturday Adrian tells him he's at the top three and they will have their final go Monday. He sounds excited and lively, then he mentions the name that Deran clearly remembers from his childhood days. Wayne Cullen's name to be exact, and it has Deran seeing red. That little fuck had the nerve to talk to his freckled boy after the beatdown Deran had asked Pope to deal him when he was 11 years old.

Yes, even then he felt the need to 'claim' Adrian as his, not his best moment. But it still applied. No matter the time, distance, or any fucking circumstance he was to stay the fuck away. Of course, Adrian had no clue but he noticed Derans attitude shift.

He heard him chuckle quietly. "He asked to catch up, but I'm too tired. Plus I don't really want to leave my folks alone. They did make the effort to show, might as well take advantage and spend time with them."

Deran knows he's probably just saying that to placate him, but knowing Adrian, he'd be spending his time with his folks. They were amazing and their bond was unlike any other. Far from his relationship with Smurf. That put him at ease.

Come Monday he waits patiently for the call. Wanting to hear where Adrian placed at finals, it comes late. He'd gotten second place and was satisfied with that. Adrian had always had good sportsmanship. Took every win or loss as a way of growing. How the fuck had he gotten so lucky at having him in his life?

'May we all get what we want and never what we deserve.' The saying resonates in him.

 

Deran's in the back taking inventory. Two more days and he'd have Adrian back in his arms. Competition was over, but he decided to hang back till Friday with this folks. He could handle two more days.

He looks up to see a familiar face. Mark Liston's, smug face staring back. "Hear business is doing good. Picking up. That time of the month again. You know, the quota." He steps up invading Deran space and runs his hand down his abdomen flirting unashamed. "But... I can always take other means of payment." His greedy hands now rubbing against Deran's crotch.

It's irritating how conceited and arrogant the douchebag is and he still refuses to give him any money. He doesn't want to sleep with him, but before he even says anything he's gripping Derans hips and deep-throating his cock. >/p>

This is wrong. It's fucked up because Deran's enjoying it too much to pull Marks greedy lips off his cock. He closes his eyes and thinks of Adrian's freckled face and blue eyes . Damn he hates this asshole, but fuck he knows how to give head. His thoughts return back to his beautiful boy and he throws his head back and grabs Marks hair, ready to pull him away from his dick when he hears... Adrian?

"Hey, couldn't stay away longer. I had to see..." The happiness in Adrian's voice disappears as he walks in on the scene in front of him. 

He's here. It's not a dream or hallucination. He's here and fuck, what did he do! He's calling out his name, stumbling to pick up his shorts, and running after Adrian at the same time. He only manages to catch Adrians now tanned hand, flipping him the bird before walking out the bar. Never glancing back and not stoping to hearing him out.

Deran heart shatters. He lost him for good. He knew he'd fuck it up and he colossaly did. "I didn't know you were in a relationship." Mark smirks. "Hope I didn't ruin things for you. See you next month." He wipes his lips off and casually walks out the bar.

He could kill him right now, but why hurt the asshole. Deran had been the one at fault. After everything, he had hurt Adrian once again.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrian

What the fuck had just happened?... What had I just seen?! I'm sitting in my car stupefied at what I had just walked into. My hands are furiously shaking and I grip the steering wheel until the joints on my fingers burn from the tension I have gripping it.

I see the bars' door swing open and see the prick that just had Derans dick in his mouth not too long ago walk my direction. He stalls at my car door and smiles bumptiously.

"Sorry about the schedule mix up. He's all yours," he winks arrogantly and he gets into his overpriced smart car. Asshole. 

I slam my hands on the steering wheel this time and yell in frustration. I must have looked like an idiot to them. Sounded even more pathetic.

I smell my burning tires as I pull away from the parking lot, not really sure where to go, just needing to put some distance between Deran and I. We're back to that. I'm such an idiot. How could I have thought this time would be any different? It had felt different, I wasn't the only one feeling it, I knew Deran had been right there with me.

I should have cut my losses long ago. I knew this day would come. Only this time it wasn't his fists that hurt me. I let him get too close. He had made me believe in his change. In thinking things would be different this time. 

Maybe they had been for a minute, but he'd gotten bored. Of course he would, I knew he would. He is a Cody after all. None of them know how to love. Why would Deran be different? It wasn't in their genes. With that sick- twisted fuck for a mother, they've been raised without a moral compass. It was all fair game in their eyes.

Money. Sex. All the fucking mind games learned from her, Smurf. Love, what the fuck was love to them? Nothing but another ploy to get what they wanted. Whether it be in a ally, alibi, and in Adrian's case another easy lay.

He hears the shrill of his ringing phone and he presses the ignore button when Derans face pops up on the screen. There's half a dozen unanswered texts and a shit ton of missed calls, but he's far from wanting to sooth Deran's shity conscience. Hell, how long had he been driving? He's not sure, but he needs something to relax.

He hits up his long ago dealer and buys his "top of the line shit" and heads to the beach. He turns off his annoying phone and leaves it in his truck. His spot is quiet, only two or three people lounging around in the sun. He blazes his blunt and coughs a few times. It been awhile since he last smoked and he immediately begins to feel his body relax. His mind slowly catching up.

He closes his eyes and remembers how happy he felt competing. His natural high. He should have stayed away. Deran always brought him down, eventually. There's tears burning his eyes and his chest is hurting from trying to hold back his heaving. How many times did he have to repeat the lesson before he passed the test?

He gets up and makes the short drive home. It's barely 8 p.m. and his neighbors are out and about, but he makes it in and leaves his curtains closed and lights off. He'd been out for hours and just wanted to come home. He plugs his earphones into the laptop in his room and blares music he has no interest in hearing. Blazing his second blunt of the night.

Shit's pretty strong and it's getting the job done until he lays down on his bed. He jumps up and off enraged. Stripping and cursing as he pulls at the sheets that smell of Deran. He doesn't even bother to put them in the washer, just walks to the back door and throws them in the trash outside. Asshole!

He walks back in defeated as his tears stream down his face. He doesn't even bother to make the bed and simply pulls his hoodie over his head and curls up into fetal position. The weed kicking in again, thankfully.

There's knocking on his door and maybe even windows, but he's too tired to move and investigate. No one knew he was home yet, so maybe he was just dreaming it. The knocking stops as fast as it started and when he wakes up, it's midday. His head throbbing and his stomach growling.

He doesn't want to, but it's better than moping at home. Ed and the guys wouldn't be expecting him till Friday. But he picks up some burritos they like from their favorite Mexican food truck and heads over to the shop. He's greeted with whistles and congratulations from his team as they eagerly ask for details. He relays all the information then they all get back to their jobs. Adrians head's still throbbing but he goes to his position in the back room and starts to work on the next board on his list.

It's like gravity shifts and he knows it before he sees it. The last person he wants to see is parking out in front of the shop. He hears his mumbled voice and hears his excited team relaying the same information he just said to them not too long ago. There's a knock at the door and Adrian turns off the machine he's working with.

"Hey, it's me can I come in?" Deran waits a minute and when he doesn't reply he tries to open the door. Adrian hadn't wanted to be bothered so he'd lock the door. "Come on Adrian, please... Can you please talk to me. Please, just let me..."

"Get the fuck out of here. I'm busy." He yells loud enough to hear the rest of the guys have stopped what they were working on. He hears Deran sigh outside the door before he speaks again. "Can... Can we talk later? Can you please pick up your phone?" He's pleading now, not caring who hears him.

Fuck him! It infuriates him to have him near. For him to have the audacity to even show his face has Adrian storming to the door and swinging it open, startling Deran and his employees.

"I said I want you the fuck out of here. I don't have shit to say to you." He stares Deran square in the face. His hurtful stare doesn't tug at his heartstrings anymore. He steps up to Deran looking down at the man he adored a couple of days ago like a bug he'd like to kill.

"Adrian. It's not. I can... Please." Deran steps back as Adrian walks towards him almost predatory like. 

His smile now cynical, so unlike Adrian. He speaks through clenched teeth and speaks almost growling. "It is. You can't... fuck you. Stay the fuck away from me." He stares the shorter man down before turning around and slamming the door on his face. He goes back to his sanding machine after turning on his radio loud enough to make anyone's ears bleed.

The door opens and he's ready to swing but sees its Ed entering cautiously. Lowering the volume enough to be heard. "Everything okay Adrian? You need anything?"

"Shit's awesome, man. I'm good," he says emotionless.

Ed heads back to the door looking worried. "Hey, Ed. If that fucker calls or shows his face here again... I'm not here. Not even for his brothers. You can keep 'em as your clients, if you want, but I'm done. Okay?"

Ed nods and makes his way out the room. Adrian hears his crew whispering amongst themselves, but he doesn't care and goes back to work. Fuck Deran.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran

I've never seen Adrian so pissed off, he clearly didn't want to see me, and I didn't want to see the hurt I have caused him. Although what I had just witnessed was Adrian being far from hurt, he look like he loathed me. Adrian's hostile resentment radiated off him. 

I would rather him beat me senseless if that in any way alleviated his animosity, but that's just a Cody's way, not Adrian's. Even though my heart is telling me to stay and fight to make this right. To make everything right between us. I listen to my head and respect what he's asked of me and leave him alone. Give him some space when all I want is to be next to him, even when he hates me.

It's still not over for me. I can fix this. Maybe not today, but falling in love with Adrian and being able to experience what loving him feels like only makes me want to keep fighting for him. I made a huge mistake, and it might cost me everything of value to me, but I'll be damned if I let him go without a fight.

I try calling him every day, hoping that that will be the day he allows me to explain. To apologize. To see him, but it's been a month and I'm sure that he's either blocked my number or changed his. I've even tried stopping at his shop, and even though his vehicle is parked out front his door is always closed. None of his employees will allow me to ask about him. 

My last effort was to go to his apartment and attempt to talk to him there. I knew he'd seen my vehicle parked out front and definitely heard me knock. He hadn't even tried to hide. He was sitting in his living room and just turned up the volume on his flat screen. 

It was frustrating, hurtful, and heartbreaking. I had become nothing to him it seemed. But Adrian had stuck by my side for over a decade and I was not surrendering. There were days where I would cyber stalk him to find out what he was doing, checi to see if he was okay, but there was not much helpful information.

My life seemed to stall. Nothing had much meaning to me anymore. The bar was still doing great, but Adrian wasn't there to share it with. Fuck, I missed him.

Six months later I had still had made no progress. As disappointing as that was and as disappointed as I was in myself for fucking up, life continued. Business was booming and I had even hired an extra bartender to help Heather. 

I had even decided to pay dick face, Mark Liston, his damn quota every month. The arrogant fuck had insisted more than once in hooking up, but I wasn't looking for that anymore. I didn't want it if it wasn't Adrian. Adrian had ruined me for any other. I'd had plenty opportunities to get off. Hell, even made a few friends who wanted more, but they weren't him. 

Celibate for six months is all hell, but it's even worse thinking of having another man's lips, hands, or dick on me. It doesn't feel right. Craig had told me to 'think of it as simply sex, keep all the emotions aside,' but he didn't understand that I was changed. I wanted more than sex. I wanted the emotional connection, I wanted it with my freckled boy.

Most days were a blur. I was just going through the motions, but sometimes I catch a glimpse of him at the beach or some places we'd used hit. I wanted so much to go up to him and make him look at me, but I knew he'd bolt as soon as he saw me. It had been so long since I've seen him that I just hide and admire him from a distance. 

Hearing his voice and laugh always choked me up. He look happy without me. I was forgotten by him, when he still was the only reason I woke up every day. Hoping that that day would be the day he let me see him. I still loved him.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrian

"So what do you want to do tonight to celebrate?" I ask Ed. It was his birthday and he was more than just another employee. He was my friend.

"It's cool Adrian, we don't got to do shit," Ed says shyly. 

"The hell we don't. Where do you want to go? The guys and I want to take your geriatric ass out." I say laughing. Ed isn't a day over 26. 

Two other staff cheered loudly and mention The Drop. Ed had been there a few times and was still trying his luck at picking up Heather. 

"No, we can go somewhere else, Adrian" he says hurriedly. He's always been considerate, but tonight was his night.  
"Yeah, to The Drop it is. Heather needs to know your balls have finally dropped." They all burst into laughter and shut down the shop and pile into Adrians car. He'd be lying if he said he's not a little nervous to see Deran, but he wouldn't let that screw up his friends birthday.

It had been six months after all. He worked hard at moving on. Life was good. Sometimes boring, but he couldn't complain. Between school, the shop, and surfing he'd managed to keep any thought of Deran out of mind. 

It had taken him three months to get over the hurt. Well, not so much "get over," but accept how much Deran had hurt him. Then he realized it was wrong to hate the blonde haired man, after all they weren't exactly in a relationship. They hadn't been exclusive. Adrian had wanted that, but it had never really been discussed. So, he couldn't really blame Deran. It wasn't cheating. Not really. 

Adrian hadn't been with anyone while he was with Deran and it had been his fault for assuming he was the only person Deran had been seeing. He finally concluded that it was all for the best. Deran had just come out, he wouldn't have been ready to solely be with him. I mean he'd been in the closet so long, of course he'd want to taste what was out there. There was nothing wrong with that.

Adrian had always been in love with him, and after having him open up to him like he had made him want more. Think they were more, but he was mistaken. How do you bounce back from that realization? He was simply too hurt and embarrassed and just needed for whatever they had to be done. It was for the best. 

Now parking at the busy bar has his stomach doing somersaults. Tonight was Eds night, he needs to remember that. 

The place seems a lot more smaller. It could be that there's more people than he'd regularly seen, so he assumed things were going good for Deran. The guys spot a table near the back next to a pool table and they make their way past the crowd. It's pretty packed and poorly lit, so he can always be unnoticed in case Deran was here. Who is he kidding, he'd be here... It's Ed's night, remember.

There's the new girl taking orders and she takes ours then heads back to the bar. I'm a little tense as I see Heather notice and recognize me. She's always been nothing but nice to me and I return her smile. She makes sure to bring our first round of drinks to the table and gives me a friendly side hug. Before we know it the guys are loud as they announce Ed's birthday and chant "shots, shots, shots." 

Heather laughs and heads back to the bar to oblige my crew. I'm still a little uneasy but I don't want my mood to spoil the night for my friends so I just do my best to smile and laugh at their joking when I just want to get the hell out of here.

"Alright boys, eight shots. Are we doing body shots?" She asks winking playfully at Ed. We all take a shot and offer one to Heather as we all make a toast to our friend.

Heather gives Ed a swift kiss and has the guys hollering and whistling as he turns three shades of red causing us all to laugh. Then I see him. He comes out the back and stops dead in his tracks before reaching the bar. 

I feel my heart crash and then speed up and I tear my eyes away downing another shot. Heather winks at me before heading back to the bar and I pretend to listen to the guys conversation. This was bad idea. 

I stand, suggesting a game of pool and the guys immediately agree. I just need to find more privacy. Get away from Deran's piercing stare that I know hasn't strayed from me. It works for a while. I can feel myself starting to relax when I hear the guys greet Deran. He greets everyone, but his eyes are glued on me.

"I heard you're out celebrating," he disperses the beers he has on his tray to the guys and when he tries to hand a bottle to me, I pick up my more than half empty bottle from our table and take a swig. He looks hurt again and he bowes his head and clears his throat, "Cheers, man," he says to Ed.

He doesn't leave and sticks around to talk to the guys, stealing glances towards me here and there. It's uncomfortable but the guys don't pick up on my vibe and I quietly exit the conversation and make my way to the restroom. 

I try not to hyperventilate and splash some water on my face trying to calm down. "Tonight's for Ed," I repeat in a mantra, then make my way out. I'm concentrating on my hands as I walk out and don't even notice Deran is waiting for me outside the hall. He quickly straightens and blocks my escape. 

My trembling hands are now fisted in my pockets. I'm looking everywhere. At the wall, at the ceiling, past him, but can't bring myself to look him in the eye. 

"Adrian." He takes a step towards me and I take two steps back. I actually look at him this time, and he holds his hands up in surrender and steps back. He's nervous but he continues. "How've you been?"

"Good." 

He looks at me nervously. Expecting me to say more and he shift uncomfortably when I don't. "Listen, can we... Talk?"

"I got to get back," and try to step around him but he's there, blocking me in. 

"Please. It'll only take a minute." I nod and follow him to the back area where there are fewer people and the music is less loud. He takes out a cigarette and offers me a drag and I just shake my head 'no.' He's scrutinizing me. "Are you seeing anyone?"

I can't believe he just asked that. It's none of his business. So I don't answer and scratch the back of my head insouciant. He finishes his cigarette in 3 drags and puts it out before he paces in front of me pulling his hair into a hair tie. Stopping directly two feet in front of me.  
"I'm sorry, Adrian. You gotta believe me, I never meant to hurt you. What you saw that day, it should have never happened. He showed up and..."

"... next thing you know you had your dick in his mouth." I finish the sentence for him, and he looks down ashamed. "It's okay," he jerks his head up at my words. "You don't need to apologize. We weren't technically dating or exclusive, right?" I'm holding back a sob as I say the words and step back and look away.

"We hadn't talked about it, but I wanted to be with you. I was going to ask you that Friday, when you got back, but I fucked it up." He tugs my arm until I'm facing him. "I still want to be with you. In a relationship, I mean. We can try again. Let me fix it, please."

"There's nothing to fix, but if there was, you're not ready for a relationship Deran." He's about to protest, but I continue. "What happened that day says it all. You just came out. You want to experiment, that's cool, but I don't want that."

He steps up and grabs my face and hauls it to his. He rubs his nose against mine like he once had and sobs quietly. "I want you Adrian. I want us. I love you.... I fucking love you!" He's sobbing uncontrollably as he presses his body to mine, still cradling my face. "I love you, please tell me you're not seeing anyone. Please Adrian, please! Tell me you still want me." He tries to kiss me and I desperately want to kiss him, but I pull away and step back wiping my eyes.

"No. I can't be with you. You need to figure out who you are, what you want. I can't do this anymore Deran. I can't do us." We're both crying. "You once told me that if I asked you to walk away, you would," Deran shaking his head ready to plead his case. "I'm asking you now Deran. Please, just let me go."

I hurry back inside and leave Deran standing alone. The guys haven't even noticed I've been gone, but they're ready to call it a night, thank God! I head to the bar to close our tab and pay, Deran's already there. Eyes red and somber face. 

"It's cool, man. It's on the house," he says dejected.

I don't know why I can't accept his kind gesture. Maybe I just don't want to owe him anything. I take out my wallet and place 2 hundred dollar bills on the counter. 

"I'm just another paying customer," and I make my exit.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran

Another 6 months passed by, and I have not one glimpse of Adrian. Not even been heard of from former friends. I try reaching out every so often to his cell and business, but neither are in service. It's unsettling, but I know it's to cut any chance of communication. 

On the other hand, the bar is doing great. No complaints there. My "family" however, had gone haywire. Baz had updated us 4 months ago on the thousands if not millions, Smurf had hidden from us, and split the findings evenly. Of course, Smurfs had found out what Baz had done, we all expected retaliation, but some anonymous caller had tipped police off of Catherine's "possible disappearance/murder" and Smurfs involvement in it. But, no body- no murder.

It didn't stop Detective Fischer from keeping a watchful eye, not only on Smurf, but on all of the us. There was random questioning every few months, but I didn't know shit. I still didn't put it above Smurf to have something to do with it. My brothers had all but disappeared after.

Baz had gone to Mexico with Lucy and Lena in toe. Probably working on their own cartel or something. Lucy didn't mess around. She did the dirty jobs. Kidnappings and probably murders for what I witnessed. Of course, Baz would follow. Lucy had always encouraged him to "take control." It was scary to think what both of them would work out. Who'd be in charge? It only made it more interesting.

Craig, ever to "live in the moment" type of guy had taken off to party. Sometimes he'd called to say he was in Tijuana with Renn or some other random tourist destination. He always sounded high, so who knows what kind of drugs he was into now. I only waited for the day when he'd call and ask for some cash because he ran through his share of the money. I miss Craig the most of the 3.

  

To no one shock, Pope had completely disappeared off the map. He didn't call, send letters, or give any indication of life. His demeanor had changed, even more than usual, right after Smurf had been hauled into questioning. He seemed a lot more perturbed and afflicted. His quiet observant demeanor in misery. I knew he knew something about Cathy, but even though we all thought of him as the "mentally disturbed one," he'd say nothing because "you can't confess what you don't know." I appreciated that he cared enough to look out for me that way. His way, but I didn't want to know that type of shit. I was out of the business now.

I now own a not too shity one bedroom, one bath, with a kitchen, and dining room- apartment. It had the basic big screen TV, couch/recliner, and a king size bed. I didn't need much. I'd only be there to shit, sleep, and eat after all. You'd find me more than half the time at the bar, didn't really have much going on besides that. It was peaceful and I liked it. Hadn't even needed to use none of the money my brothers and I split. Stashed it away in random locations that I only knew of, just in case. I didn't really trust banks.

"Leave no paper trail," first lesson I had learned from Smurf. My bar was still not producing enough revenue to place that sort of money into the bank. It would only raise red flags my direction. I was doing it right. Not too stupid.

 

I look at my reflection in the mirror. Still look the same, only a year older. I'm wearing a black buttoned-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up and fitted grey dress pants. My Nike shoes completing my look. I'm still a Cody, and it's still me. It doesn't matter what shabby bar/restaurant Gray takes me to, I'll still be myself. 

Gray is a new bartender I had hired a couple of months back. We hit it off right off the bat. Sometimes we meet up and just hang out and catch a bite or kick ass on his Xbox. We were friends. He stollen a few kisses for me, but I always made sure to let him know I didn't want anything physical or emotional. I was still pining over Adrian and he knew that. 

In fact, everyone knew that. It didn't stop Gray, or others from trying. I think I gravitated towards Gray because he sort of reminded me of my freckled boy. He had the same height and pale skin, minus the freckles. His eyes were green and he had dark brown hair. He was good-looking and all, but no one compared to Adrian. 

He being the typical SC guy enjoyed surfing, like me, maybe that's why he reminded me of Adrian so much. Because he was always willing and ready to get in a good day of surfing. He was something to fill in the blank spaces at the beginning, but he actually turned into a good friend.

"Get your sweet ass out here Deran," he says pounding at the door to my apartment. I make my way out with my keys in hand and we leave.

He tells me we are heading to a new club that just opened up and that his buddy has invitations to. I'm already on edge. Never really been much of a club scene type of guy, but since coming out I've been working on broadening my horizons, sort of. Might as well give it a shot. 

There's already a line and I'm already sweating walking up. "Is this a gay club?" I ask embarrassed and don't know why. 

"Yeah, but it's open to everyone." I know he can see my apprehension and he gives me gives a hearty laugh.

"Just come in, stay for 20 minutes, and if you completely hate it we can leave." He compromises with me at the entry as a bouncer checks to see if our names are on the list. Which they are.

I walk in with trepidation behind Gray, my eyes adjusting to the dimly lit room until we hit the dance floor and there are lights moving around. Illuminating the crowd. 

The music seems decent and the crowd is not so bad. There are both gays and lesbians couples on the floor gyrating their hips and doing dance moves I know close to nothing about, but I like it. We spot the bar and head over. He orders two shots and two beers and as soon as they are poured turns to me with a mischievous smile and shouts loudly. 

"To liquid courage. Happy birthday.!" The few people around us hear the toast and start to cheer and pat my shoulder. That would have usually made me edgy, but it doesn't. I slam the shot down and chase it away with some beer, right before Gray drags me out to the middle of the dance floor.

Shit, I could kill Gray right now. I can feel my face turn red as I stand there like an idiot and look around cautiously. I'm ready to bolt, already backing away from the dance floor when Gray is whispering in my ear. 

"Relax to Deran. I'll do all the work," again with that smile and starts to grind and his ass against my groin. 

I look around apprehensive, expecting to see a disgusted look or hear a homophobic remark, but no one cares. Gray is grinding away and I have my hands raised, not sure where to put them. Just laughing hysterically at what we might look like to others and hide my face on his shoulder. 

Gray's still dancing and laughing while he looks back at me over his shoulder and I relax. I'm still standing there awkwardly but now comfortable enough to place my hands on his hips. I look around again, my gaze landing on another tall pale-skinned Adrian look alike. Looking as awkward as I feel at the moment. 

I'm really trying to focus and when one of the lights hit his face, I realize it is Adrian. He's smiling but it looks forced and he looks like he's looking around for an escape. He keeps brushing the guys roaming hands away and when his eyes meet mine he freezes.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrian

Deran stares back at me from across the floor and I feel like all the air's been sucked out of the room. He looks shocked to see me, but relaxed enough to have a good-looking guy grinding on him. 

I looked down at Deran's hands on the guy's hips and I feel my stomach churn. It's like he knows how I'm feeling because he immediately takes his hands off of him like he's been scorched by a branding iron. He has a brilliant smile plastered on his face once he's over the shock of seeing me here and starts to make his way to me.

"Dude you're making an ass of yourself. He's clearly not interested," Deran leans in and speaks to the guy. He's scratching his nose, totally unimpressed. 

Mister Magic Mike wannabe turns around and gives Deran his best thug -don't mess with me look. He clearly thinks he can take Deran down because of the attire he has on. He's looking sharp, only thing scruffy-looking are his long blonde locks and his Nike shoes. 

"What the fuck do you care, pretty boy?" The last retort makes Deran laugh silently. His shoulders slightly shaking. He looks at me knowingly and I'm laughing with him.

This guy is a complete joke. Then Magic Mike turns around and tries to drag me along with him. Its really annoying, and i'm totally not interested. Deran sees this and he's immediately there, standing between us, blocking the way. 

"He's not interested," he says priying Magic Mikes fingers off my arm. "If you touch him again, I will make it my problem. You understand, twinkle toes?" 

I'm just a bystander watching the drama unfold before my eyes. I'm completely impressed how Deran has managed to keep his composure. He's demanding respect without his fists. I'm just hoping this guy counts his blessings and backs off before the Deran I know appears. 

"Whatever." Magic Mike looks a little shaken, and walks away. 

Deran turns around and tucks his blonde locks behind his ears and is laughing with me. He looks so good. Happy. Like when we were teenagers. Like when we were in Belize. His smile warms my heart, I've missed it. I've missed him.

"Sorry man, you just look really uncomfortable," he says shoving his hands in his pocket and biting his bottom lip. 

"Nah, thanks man. I was actually heading to my table and he kind of sheep hearded me onto the dancefloor," I say laughing. 

We're both laughing. Like it's the most natural thing to do, like no time has passed and we're still those same teenage boys. I unrelentingly hold his gaze. Just two idiots standing still as statues in the middle of the floor. Everyone completely disappeared. It's just us. 

"Deran! where'd you go?" A guy says putting his arm around Derans shoulders, and he lets him! He smiles up at the guy who is a few inches taller than him. 

Is this his new guy? Why is he allowed to touch him?... Shit, he's over me. My mouth feels parched when I try to ask him who he is and can't get the words out. 

"This is Gray. He bartends for me and he's a good friend," Daren elbows Gray on his ribs playfully. "Gray, this is..."

"Adrian. Nice to meet you," he says like he already knows me, and extending his right hand.

"Are you here to celebrate with us?" He asks cheerfully and I look at them both confused. Now Deran is a little nervous and tries to quiet his friend. 

"Come do shots with us, Adrian. We got to get, birthday boy here, liquored up and loose." He's walking away pulling Deran along with him. 

Of course. It was his birthday! I look back to my table, wagering if I should go back to my date, or go have a shot with my lost love. I choose Deran, like I always do. 

He's surprised as I walk up next to him at the bar, but his surprise face quickly turns joyous, and I'm melting right on the spot. We do a couple of rounds of shots and I watch amused and a little jealous as this Gray guy tries to coax Deran to dance with him. He doesn't, but then there comes another suitor and whisks Gray away.

"So, why did you come to the club if you weren't going to dance?" I'm curious. 

"First of all, I didn't know he was bringing me here. Secondly, I don't know, we were already here, figured what the fuck," Deran lifts his shoulders nonchalant. 

He looks at me relaxed, elbows on the bar. "How about you, who you with?"

"Came on date, actually. He's kind of a prick though. Sent him a text 40 minutes ago, said I was feeling sick and headed home."

He's smiling because he's puzzled in that I ditched my date to hang with him. "You've always had a thing for dick heads," he says laughing. "I'm happy you're here. Thanks for sticking around," his eyes shining as he looks at me.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran

I feel awesome. Adrian is here and he's talking to me. He's filling me in on all the things I've missed. It's loud and busy around us, but I just listen and pay attention to every word and gesture he makes as he enthusiastically talks with his hands. 

His blue eyes squinting shut as he laughs a hearty laugh, and takes my breath away. I fill him in about my brother's all MIA and he seems a little concerned for me. I change of subject quickly because I don't do not want to talk about them right now. I just want to listen to him talk, and see him smile, I want to feel like I still matter to him. 

A year passed and he still holds my every thought, breath, my entire heart in his hands without him knowing it. It becomes a little more noisy as Gray dances up to our table with the beefy guy on his heels. 

"So do you both just plan on sitting here on your asses all night? Come on Deran, I thought you liked it here." Oh, he has no idea how much I appreciate his insistence at dragging me here. I couldn't have asked for a better night.

"Why do you care? You look like you're having fun for all three of us." I raise my eyebrows to the beefy guy behind Gray. 

"Oh, yeah," he smiles annoyed. "We came here for you, but if it's so terrible I can always take you home." Gray says sadly thinking his big plan was a total failure. 

"I didn't say it was terrible, you did good. Thanks," I say smiling at Gray, 

"There's some street food stand right around the corner. Tacos are decent if you guys want to grab a bite," Adrian says a little timid. 

Gray perks up, already coming up with a scheme. "Well, since you mentioned that, Deran is always hungry and I didn't think of taking him to eat before coming here. Maybe you both can work on that, while I work on him," he says grinding on the beefy guy.

I look at Adrian hoping he won't change his mind now that Gray won't be our chaperone, but he just shrugs and gets up and waits for me. 

Gray yanks me back to him before I exit with Adrian and leans in to offer some helpful advice and pep talk. "You are a good person Der . You deserve to be happy, and you deserve Adrian." Gray pats my cheek in assurance. "You deserve to be loved. Don't let him disappear for another year. Talk to him!" I stare at my friend in acknowledgement and thank him before turning around.

Adrains standing a few feet away looking at our interaction confused. Then we both make our way out of the club. 

"Stands around here," he says leading the way as I walk beside him. "You sure you and... Gray?.. Aren't I thing?"

"No, he just thinks he's my Guru. He's always sharing words of wisdom, or some shit. Kids barely 22," I say laughing, "but he's got a good heart, decent person. You know?"

We slow down as we see the small spread of chairs, tables, and the large menu. Simple choices beef, chicken, or fish tacos and the smell has me salivating already.

"Tres de pollo porfavor, y..." Adrian steps aside and lets me place my order of six tacos -two of each. He laughs quietly and pushes my money away. "I got it don't worry, you won't break my bank." I smile and take the two beers that are handed to me and make my way to an empty table. 

"Did Gray dress you to?" He asked looking me over as he sits across from me. 

I feel the heat rise up my neck and to my face and shake my head. "No. I own other pieces of clothing besides wetsuits, t-shirts, and cargo short to douche," I say laughing sheepish.

"Look good on you," Adrian smiles appreciative, "then again you always do," he adds a little breathy.

I catch Adrian's covetous scrutinization. I've been craving that look for over a year and now seeing it I don't know what to do. For the life of me I don't know whether I should kiss him, flirt with him, or change the subject. Fortunately, our server arrives with our orders and makes the decision for me. 

 

We both sign in relief. Both full and content. Adrian's eyes shining as his smile is still spread across his pale features. I don't want it to end. Don't want to say goodbye. I don't know when I'll see him again and I just want to prolong my time with him. 

"Do you think you can give me a lift home? I asked nervously and see Adrian considering it. 

"Yeah, no problem D. What about your friend?" 

"Oh, he'll be fine. We came in this car."

We make our way back to the club's parking lot and I recognize his all-too-familiar vehicle and slide into the passenger side. 

"Where exactly am I taking you?" He asks as we're stopped at a stoplight. 

I give him directions to my new apartment and we quietly drive down the not too busy streets. Only stopping here and there at a stop light or stop sign. The drive is way too short and his car is soon stalled in front of my apartment complex. 

"You want to come in for some coffee?" I ask hoping he'll say yes. Anything to have a few more minutes with him. 

Adrian looks around nervously and finally agrees, turning off his engine and following close behind me up the stairs. He cautiously enters and looks around surveying every detail his eyes meet. The living room decorated plainly with the couch and entertainment center. Magazine scattered all over the coffee table, nothing really personal.

He hears me in the small kitchen and makes his way to the breakfast bar and sits on the stool facing me. 

"You still like your coffee black?" Smiling when Adrian nods, impressed at my memory. Of course I'd remember anything and everything having to do with Adrian, no matter how small the detail. 

"How long you been here?"

"About 6 months. Decent pricing, not to loud, and I can sleep on a bed." I say sheepishly extracting a laugh from Adrian. 

"Look at you. All grown up," he stares at me impressed causing me to nervously fidget with my hair. 

The aroma of the brewed coffee fills the small kitchen and I pour us both a cup and bring it to the bar where Adrian sits. Comfortable silence filling in the space between us. Too loud chirps vibrate in my pants. I place the phone on the counter, and Adrian quickly glanced down at it. 

"You plan on answering him?" He stirs his coffee slowly peering up at me. I shake my head no. "Have you slept with him?"

The question surprises me. Well, not so much the question, but the manner of how it is asked. He says it sad and almost disheartened. "No." I step closer to my side of the bar, the counter separating us. "Doesn't mean he hasn't tried," I say humorously.

Adrian takes a sip of his coffee and places it slowly next to mine. Slumping his shoulders forward. "He looks like your type, I'm sure he's into you." He keep stirring his coffee and doesn't notice me leaning towards him. 

I press my forehead to Adrian's and see him squeeze his eyes shut. His warm breath stirring my stray hairs. He's so beautiful. I swallow the thick knot I feel in my throat and gently rub my nose against his. I smile as I recognize every single freckle this close. "He's not you." Adrian opens his eyes and stares at my lips lasciviously. "He's not you." 

I flick my tongue between his parted lips, tasting the bitter taste of coffee and Adrian. He doesn't pull away or seek out my lips and damn, I want more. I take a chance and gently bite his plump pink bottom lip and hear him hum. 

It's irritatingly provocative having him this close so I cannot contain myself any longer and reach my hand across the counter and around the nape of his neck. Desperately kissing him. A whole years' desire revealed in one insatiable kiss that has Adrian opening his mouth and swallowing my desperate roaming tongue.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrian

I savor the moment and Deran. I've missed him and don't even know how I've managed to stay away. The realization hits me like a ton of bricks and I regrettably pull away from him. His lips swollen from our kiss not helping my resolve. 

"I should go," I stutter and stride towards the door. Willing myself to not look back and keep walking. "I shouldn't have come up."

" Adrian, stop! Wait!" Deran's blocking my hand before reaching the knob. "I can let you go. Not again." He's looking at me half crazed and desperate, but doesn't relent on not letting me leave. 

I look around trying to explain to him, or maybe to myself, why we should not do this again but I can't think of a reason. I want him too much. Despite having gone a whole year without his friendship or his touch, he's still been present in every thought. Sometimes in my dreams. My feelings for him never wavering, only growing. 

He moves, his body now blocking the door. "Please, just stay. Talk to me." His eyes glistening slightly. I take a seat on his couch and wait for him to continue. He's still cautiously standing in front of the door. 

"Okay, what do we need to talk about? What has changed Deran ?"

" Everything... fucking everything, Adrian! One mistake and I lost you! Do you have any idea how that feels? You cut me out of your life completely. You make me love you and after one fuck up you abandon ship." His nose is flaring and he's sweating from the heat in his voice. 

"I didn't abandon anything Deran, we weren't in a relationship," I say trying my best to stay calm. 

Deran gaze zeroes in on me painfully. "If we didn't have a relationship and we're only friends with benifits... Why did you push me away? Was our friendship worth nothing to you?" His eyes tearing up as he sits on the coffee table in front of me. "Am I as worthless in your eyes as I am in my brothers... As I am in my own mother's eyes?" 

"Friendship? What friendship Deran?! We were so dysfunctional, I can't even think of a label for what we had!

Deran shakes his head. "Not at the beginning and definitely not at the end. You mean more to me than I've ever let you know, but I know you felt it."

"What about the middle, does that not count for shit? Do I have to remind you of the times..." 

"No, no you don't. I fucking hate myself for all those years. Do you think that I enjoyed having to hide my feelings for you? That I wasn't jealous of every fucking guy that got to hold you and kiss you like I wanted to? That I had to hide the real me from my family and from you?"

We're both staring at each other. Years of hurt, confusion, and every pent-up emotion on display. 

"Did you even listen to me when I tried to tell you?"

I look at Deran questionably.

"No, you didn't. You simply told me I wasn't ready for a relationship. To fucking explore! To figure out what I wanted!" He hangs his head down. His shaggy long hair blocking his face from my view. "Since I can remember, I've always only ever wanted you. Way back then until this fucking day, it's been you." I feel his tears on my hands as he gently strokes one finger over my knuckles. 

"I saw you with Mark... You were on Grindr. What was I supposed to think?" I pull my hands away too fast and he looks up on me hurt. His beautiful face streaked with tears. 

"When I realized I needed to tell you what I felt for you I stopped all that shit. What you saw with Mark... As fucked up as that was, it was a mistake. He was there on me before I knew it, and when I was about to pull him away, you saw." Deran looks at me embarrassed and ashamed but doesn't turn away. "I didn't initiate it, and I know it's hard to believe since you saw it, but it's the truth." 

I don't know what to make of the new information. It all still hurts the same. "How does that change anything Deran?"

This time he wedges closer to me and slightly off the coffee table. He grabs my hand and strokes the inside of my palms with this fingers. "I love you Adrian. I love you so much that I can't walk away from you again. I can't. I haven't been with anyone since... I don't want anyone else but you."

" So what, you want me to believe that you're all cured of all your emotional baggage and done with the gay bashing shit? You want a relationship, and PDA, and getting dressed up and heading down to civil court to get married?" I say incredulously. 

"Yes. I'm saying that I want that with you." He runs his hands nervously through his hair. "Marriage?... If it was on the table for us....in the future. Yes, I'd want that too."

Shit, I can't handle this right now. It's too much to process. "I need to go," I announced almost void of emotion and head to the door. 

"Will I see you again?" He asks unmoving from his sitting position on the table. Head bowed in defeat. He wipes his nose with the back of his hand, back still facing me. "I'm here whenever you're ready... I love you Adrian."

I want to go back to him and pull him into my arms, but I'm just so tired. Not ready for the roller coaster ride that comes with Deran Cody. I silently say goodbye and walk out.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran.
> 
> It's a short chapter, but wait for the next one!

As unbearable as it is to see my only shot at happiness walk out of my life one time after another, I cannot bring myself to love him any less. Looking back through my short shity existence, if you were an outsider looking in, you'd probably say I had a good life. My life would be considered easy living, parties, drugs, sex, and money. No one knew where it came from and the shit we had to do in order for us to have a "comfortable living."

No one saw all the details my brothers and I had to put into getting a decent cut at our jobs. It was all supervised and managed by Smurf. Our finances, love lifes, happiness, everything in our shity lives, she'd have a saying in. The final word... Not anymore.

Even then the few times I can remember truly being happy could be easily counted in one hand. Most included Adrian. When we first met and became instant friends. My competing years in surfing, before I fucked up my chances at continuing and going pro. Although, if I'm being realistic, Smurf would have never allowed that. That would've only have fucked up the family business, but Adrian was there through it. Our escape to Belize. Me coming out and talking to my brothers and Smurf about being done and out. Opening the bar....

Maybe I should be happy with whatever Good Fortune I've had, but I'd trade all the fortune I have now for one shot at happiness with Adrian.

I head down to Adrian shop knowing he might not want to see me, but it's been more than a couple of weeks since my birthday. I just want to reiterate our last conversation. Let him know that I'm still invested in him and that I love him besides the fact that my love is unrequited. 

My heart sinks when I see the windows boarded up and the sign taken down. And 'available for rent' sign placed on the door. When had this happened? Did Smurf do this shit? I haul ass back to my childhood home and march my way inside. It's just J and Nikki living there now with Smurf being in jail and all, but the little fucker had been her money collector and now power of attorney. He has to know what the fuck happened. 

He's sitting at the kitchen counter working on homework. How the hell does he manage to still attend school with all the shit going down here? "Hey man, what the fuck did Smurf do with Adrian's shop, why is it closed?

J looks at me puzzled over the question. "What do you mean? Shops been closed for the past 3 months."

"Why is it closed, did Smurf make him close?" If that was the case, he'd be paying her a visit at prison. 

"No Deran. It was his decision. He cancelled the lease three months early and paid the fine for breach of contract. I did the collecting of the money and the and paperwork. Smurf didn't have a clue or seem to care." He looks at me curious. 

"Did he say why, or if they were relocating?" I worry when he shakes his head no. "Okay, thanks." I get back in my truck and try his cell phone for the millionth time and get the same damned automated response saying the number is out of service. He has to be home, so I head there with the leadfoot on the gas pedal.

I notice two kid bikes out front of his apartment and kid toys scattered here and there. I get off to knock but already know what I'll be told. A young woman answers the door with the toddler on her hip. 

"Can I help you?" She askes sweetly. 

"I'm sorry does Adrian still live here?" I can hear the nerves in my voice as I ask. Hoping that this is a cousin or a friend of his because I know he's an only child. 

"Oh, I'm sorry. Was that the former tenant? Me and my family moved in 3 or 4 months ago." She says it with a genuine sympathy smile and quietly mouths "sorry" before closing the door. 

When I get to the bar I have no recollection of how I got here and I head straight to the tequila bottle. No glass necessary. The burn in my throat feels good as I feel my tears stream down my face. 

I hate myself for not making a point on checking in on him, but I was giving him time and space. Where the fuck was he now? Was he even in town or the fucking State. I think back to the places I've seen him, how long ago had that been? He sure hadn't posted anything on his media outlets, probably because he knew I'd look for him. 

I look through the contacts in my phone, seriously considering calling his folks home once again, but choose not to. I take another drink of tequila, devastated. Realization hitting hard. He really wanted me out of his life. He uprooted his whole life to keep me at bay. I really lost him.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrian

It's never easy for me after having an encounter with Deran. Especially after our intense conversation. Deran was so convincing, and maybe I believed him, but I'm still not ready to allow him back into my life. I miss my friend, but it gets bearable everyday. Not having any expectations, curiosities, or the constant need to let him know how much I loved him; all pushed to the back of my head. 

Whenever he was in my life I always felt like I had to protect him. I knew he was more than capable of doing it for himself, but Deran is soft despite his hard exterior. He was good at intimidating others, but I saw through it. How could I protect him from Smurf and his brothers? From all the ones who always asked for more than he was willing to give. 

He was his own saboteur. His blind loyalty for the ones who only looked out for themselves would eventually bring him down. I didn't want to be there when it happened. I wanted better for him because he deserved it. A chance to start clean, but always wondered if his brothers would let him go so easily. 

Specially Smurf. She would never let her baby boy go just like that. I didn't want to be in the middle of their family war. And no matter how much distance Deran placed between them, his loyalty came before anything and anyone.

I'm so focused on my thoughts that I don't even see or hear Pope silently studying me at the door. He startles me when he finally speaks. 

"Nice new spot you got yourself here, hope they gave you a better price than what Smurf gave you." He stalks into the room looking around, his OCD kicking in as his arm is smeared with board dust and he has to take out his handkerchief to wipe it off with repulsion.

He reads my face and smiles indifferent. "It was easy to find you. Ed's Internet ads are everywhere. Plus it doesn't hurt to have a local sports celebrity co-own your place of business." 

How he has this information is a little unsettling. I'm not good at my poker face because it's creepy how he guesses exactly what thoughts are crossing my mind before I even speak them.

"Deran told me a couple of weeks ago you had disappeared over a couple of months." I say trying my best to sound unaffected. "Seemed pretty worried. I'm sure he liked to hear from you, hear that you're okay."

He looks at me emotionless. "Bet he does." He comes closer to me and I hold my ground. "Has Smurf tried to contact you?"

"Why would she contact me?" The question has me on high alert. 

"I thought you said you spoke to Deran," he frowns and rubs his forehead in frustration. "Has she made contact with you?" I shake my head no. 

"What's going on?"

" Since my baby brother hasn't filled you in, I'll tell you," he said sighs. "We have a family dilemma." I nod because I know that much, but I still don't know why Pope is here, of all places, after he's been M.I.A for months.

"Well, pretty much a war. Smurfs in jail. Soon going to trial. You know what that means, right?" 

I'm a little panicked at what I'm hearing. "Is Deran okay?" I ask not caring if it shows in my voice. 

He shakes his head, same impassive demeanor. "For now. War's between Baz, Smurf, and myself. I don't have a clue what Baz has up his sleeve, but Smurf needs allies." Now when he says Smurfs name, he says it with disdain. "That means it leaves J, Craig, and Deran, and she's already got J."

"I don't understand. Where does that leave me in this scenario?"

"You're the only person who Deran actually cares about. He'll listen to you. If you care about him you'll keep him away from Smurf, maybe even Baz. Knowing him he'll probably trust Smurf before a Baz, but he can't trust either of them." 

Shit all my foreboding comes to life. "I haven't seen him in over 3 weeks... a whole year before that. Besides it's you guys, his family, he won't listen to me. Where do I stand in all this, why should I trust you anyways?"

"Because I might hate my mother more than you do at the moment. Because unlike her and Baz I only want to see her put away and away from my brothers and Lena." 

"Lena, what happened to Lena?"

He's angry now. I'm asking too much questions. "Make him listen to you and keep him away. If it's even possible get him away from this damn family." His chest rising and falling fast as he catches his breath.

"I'll talk to him," I tell him indubitable and I watch him turn away and leave without another word. 

My brain is going into overdrive and I quickly go through my phone to call Deran, but I remember I erased his number from my contacts long ago. I tell Ed I'm leaving early and quickly make way for Deran's apartment. Wondering what the hell is happening and if he'll tell me. Trust me enough to let me help him.

My cell phone rings and it's a unknown caller. I usually wouldn't answer, but I figure it might be Pope. He seemed capable of getting information easily, so maybe a phone number wouldn't be that hard. Maybe he has more information to relay, that or more instructions. 

I pick up and I'm greeted by automated system. "Do you accept a collect call from Janine Cody?" How the hell had Smurf gotten my number from jail? Damn Cody's and their connections. 

"Yes." I say frustrated and pull off the road to listen to what this lunatic has to say. 

"Hello Adrian, I hope I'm not interrupting your day," she says in her fake sweet annoying voice. I know she doesn't really like me, but I know she needs something from me. Otherwise, I'd be the last person she'd contact. "Has Andrew been by to talk to you?" 

I give her a clipped "yes" and wait for her to continue. 

She laughs a little eerily, "my boys are so predictable. I think it's best for you to hear both of us out before you make a rash decision. Have you spoken to Deran already?"

I don't answer, not wanting to give too much away and just listen. 

"Good. Come visit me first before you do. Visiting hours end at 3 p.m." The line goes dead and I'm left staring at the cars driving by me. 

It's still early enough, I still have time to make it. As much as I'm dreading and hating that I'm buying into her bullshit, I want to know what I haven't heard from Pope. Gather as much information as I can in case Deran chooses not to tell me so I can help him the best I can. 

After being stuck in traffic, one hour later I'm pulling up to speak to the one person I don't like, in prison of all places! It's for Deran, so I put all my unease aside and make my way in. I know who she is. I know I can't trust her, and I'm more than convinced the only person Smurf is concerned about is herself. 

She walks in after a few minutes with a false smile and takes the seat in front of the glass separating us and picks up the phone. 

"What exactly did Andrew tell you?" She asks a little too curious. 

"What do you want to tell me Smurf?" Her entire demeanor changing when she sees I'm not going to tell her anything.

"I've always known that you and Deran have a special relationship. You two were inseparable growing up. He took care of you and you took care of him." Just hearing the double meaning of her statement has me appalled she won't show her true self, the person we both know she is. "I'm in here," she says motioning around to the prison. "I can't look out for him, for any of my boys' like I always have. That's why I need you to talk to him. He trusts you. He needs to know he can't trust Baz. Pope isn't doing so well himself, but I doubt he'll hurt Craig or Deran." 

"Why is Baz such a threat to them? Maybe the only threatened one here, is you. You are the one locked up."

If looks could kill I'd be six feet under. She doesn't intimidate me, and she knows it. I'm not one of her sons who she can use as another piece in her game. I owe her nothing. I can't hold back anymore, I need to get everything I've been holding in for so long off my chest. Not only for me, but for Deran.

"I don't know what shit you're in here for, but I do know this. You didn't have sons, you had workers that did your bidding... But guess what? Those underpaid workers are done with you. All out for themselves now."

She smirks villainous and laughs, also making me laugh. "Oh honey, is that what you think?" 

"I know you think you can still pull rank or even play the doting mother card, but you are neither of those to them now. You made sure of that." I know I've struck a chord because her smirk evaporates after that. 

"Whatever shit you think you can pin on Deran is bullshit because you know that he doesn't know shit about what's going on between you, Baz, and Pope." I stare at her unwavering on my rant. "And the things he does know would only bury you deeper. You think he's loyal to you?" I shake my head and smile. "He's loyal to his brothers." I say it remembering how Deran had finally confronted her and how they were all furious at what she had been hiding from them. All lighting fuel to my fire.

She's staring quietly. I don't know if it's because she surprised I know so much of what I wasn't supposed to know about her family, or because she just doesn't have anything to say, but I do. 

"You might think you have J on your side, but are you really sure about that, your little puppet? Keep pulling the strings and see how long they'll stay intact, before they get tangled."

"So I take it you won't talk to Deran then," she says sounding bored, but I know she's a little shaken. 

"Oh I plan on talking to him." I say smiling, enjoying every minute of having her attention. "I'll tell him to stay the hell away from you and let his brothers deal with whatever you're trying to hide and get away from." 

I pause before I hang up the phone and pull it back to tell her one last thing. "If you were ever a true mother and if you ever love them as much as you claim you do... Do your time. Let them live their lives. Stay away from them."

It's not me who ends the conversation, it's her. Slamming the phone on the receiver and walking away inauspicious. I make my exit already exhausted by an all too busy day filled with drama that could last me a lifetime. 

I'm pretty sure Deran's at the bar, and the last thing I want to do is bring any problems there, so I decide to just go home and wait till 2 a.m. when I could just meet him at his apartment. Damn, I hope he listens to me.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran

The knock at my door is loud and desperate. Who the fuck drops by at almost 2 a.m. in the morning? I stagger to the door, swaying back and forth a few times, trying to catch my balance. Maybe it was Heather. I'd asked her to cover for me tonight, and decided to take a personal day and go on a little binge, hope the building didn't burn down or some shit. 

I open the door sobering-up moderately at seeing a concern looking Adrian standing at my door. Fuck! I squint my eyes and rub them in the process. Must be delirious. 

"Shit! Adrian?" I say still a little incredulous. I'm swaying on my feet and blinking rapidly but he still here. My hands make contact with the hard wall of his chest and i'm a sniveling disarray. "You're here, you're here, shit. You're here. Please don't leave, don't leave me ever again." I'm clinging desperately to him and place my head on his shoulder. I smell his neck and hold on to him for dear life before he disappears in front of me. 

"Are you drunk?" He asks pulling me away slightly and looking concerned. "Did Pope check in with you? Has Smurf called you?" His look going cold when he mentions Smurf.

Adrian comes into my home purposeful griping my face in his hands and shaking me. "Did you take anything, or is it just liquor?" 

He's looking at me with searching worried eyes. His face pinched in alarm. I don't like to see him in distress, but I'm just so relieved he's here and not halfway around the world. "You're here. I thought you were gone, that I wouldn't see you again. Why did you leave, why did you move, why didn't you tell me?"

I'm coherent now and all I want is answers. I won't let him leave even when I do have them. It might be crazy and past reasonable, but he's not giving me any choice. He keeps leaving me. I can't survive without him!

"Deran, I need you to listen to me, pay attention," he's gripping my face and willing me to follow. "Pope is back in town. What's going on? Why are Baz, Smurf, and Pope feuding? Are you in trouble?"

"Wait, what? Pope's back, how do you know?" I'm puzzled now and wondering why Adrian would know that.

"Deran I need you to be honest with me. I'm here for you." Fuck, I'm on Cloud 9, did he just say that to me? "I'm here to help you... Why is Smurf in prison?"

"How do you know about Smurf?" I ask already dreading what I'm about to hear.

"She called me right after Pope dropped in to talk to me. I went down to San Marcos Detention Facility after she called me." 

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. She did what!? And you actually went down there to talk to her?" Damn, Smurf. This was below the belt. I'm furious at her, at myself. I've gone years keeping Adrian at bay of all the shit my family consist of, and here she was, bringing the only person that matter to me into our drama. 

I'm even a little angry with Adrian. Why would he go see her? I done everything in my power to keep them as far away as possible. Adrian was mine. Someone Smurf couldn't control or use against me. I look him over again, this time really inspecting him, because it's Smurf we're talking about. "Are you okay, did she threaten you, send someone hurt you?"

"What? No, Deran. Did she send someone after you?" His nose flares in anger. He calms down when I shake my head no. "From what I gathered from Pope, this thing, whatever it is, it's between Baz and Smurf. Why does Smurf need allies? Why is she in prison? Deran... What do you know?" 

Fuck. Looking at Adrian is not soothing me right now. Not like it normally would. It scares me that he's asking all the questions that he's never dared to ask. So why now? Why is he pushing when all I want to do is protect him. I don't want to lie to him because I've turned over a new leaf, but him knowing would only put him at risk. How can I make him understand that it's best if he stays in the dark and away from my family. 

My mind starts working again. A sudden migraine appearing from the stress that has just been brought on. If I'm being honest it's because I know the only way to keep Adrian safe and away from Smurf and her mind games, from my entire fact family is if he stays away from me. I'm being selfish and reckless. I'll only end up hurting him more when all I want to do is protect him.

"Fuck, man. It's too late for this shit Adrian. I'm drunk and have a throbbing migraine that's getting worse by the minute. I can't even think." It's not a lie, but I don't want to have this conversation right now, or ever. 

"So go take a cool shower. I'll dim the lights and make you some strong coffee to sober you up. We're talking about this crap and getting it out of the way." He sounds so authoritative as he's making his way into the kitchen like he owns the place as he does my heart. "Get that shit done Deran, now!" He yells from the kitchen and I hurry to the my bathroom. 

It can't be more than fifteen minutes later when I hear the soft knocking on the bathroom door and hear Adrian say that I can't be in the restroom forever. That he's waiting. My head does feel somewhat better, but I'm dreading what's coming. I slowly dry myself off and put on a clean pair of sweats and loose old tank and make my way out.

He's sitting in my room. All the lights in the apartment off except the restroom light and the small light Illuminating the lamp next to my bed. He looks up and gives me a lopsided smile that has my heart fluttering. 

"Coffee's probably cold now, but you seem pretty sober. How's the migraine?" I shrug my shoulders and stare at him. The only thing I'm focusing on is that my beautiful freckled boy is sitting here, in my bed, waiting for me. 

"Come here lay down a minute," he pats the bed and leans against my headboard while he places a pillow over his crossed legs. 

This is the Adrian I remember. He done the same thing on several occasions. He always knew how to make me better. I'm drawn to him like a moth to a flame. Always gravitating towards him. I lay down closing my eyes and just feel his calloused hands massage my scalp. A loud moan escaping my throat. I feel the slight shake of the bed as he quietly laughs then he moves two fingers to my temples and massages them with in circular motions. 

I don't even care that the pain is slowly subsiding, only focus on the man whose alleviating it. It's quiet and I only hear our quiet breaths and the warmth radiating off of Adrian as I open my eyes. He's staring at me. His look reflecting the ones he'd given me in Belize. Like I was only thing in the world to him. The only one that mattered. 

I stare at his lips as I lick mine. His thumb slowly grazing the bottom of my lip. "Please let me help you... What's going on?" 

I sit up and stare at him pleading for him not to ask anymore. Too just let it be. "I don't know shit. Even if I did, you'd be the last one I'd tell."

"Why? You think i'd rat you out, I'm not trustworthy?"

"No, Adrian. I don't want you involved. I'm trying to protect your stupid ass. Don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answers to! You don't need to get involved with Smurf, I'll fucking deal with her myself." I'm back to yelling at him and I hate it. I hate Smurf! Why did she have to bring him into this!?

"In case you haven't noticed, I'm already involved. Not for her, but for you." He grabs my face with consternation. "I'm not leaving you alone in this shit. She's not going to fuck up your life. I won't let her." 

She'll fuck up yours Adrian," I say in despair. "I can't let her do that to you." 

"So what are you going to do, just let her use you as another ploy. She's just looking out for herself, Deran! Who's looking out for you?"

"I can take care of myself, don't worry I can handle Smurf and Baz." I say putting some distance between us. 

"Let me take care of you," he says stalking towards me. "We take care of each other, right!?" 

The all-too-familiar statement has me making my way to him. The memory of that night playing on repeat. He used those same words before. Only this time it's more than sexual. He hugs me tenaciously. Kissing my cheek and my neck. Sending shivers up my spine. 

"Talk to me please. What do you know? You once told me that you trusted me with your life... I would never let anything or anyone harm you Deran." He's speaking into my ear, making a promise that I believe. 

I pull away and push him back onto the bed to sit down. "Baz tipped off the cops anonymously about somebody Smurf had supposedly killed... This was all after he found out she was hiding or keeping the 1.6 million away from us."

I study him closely, knowing his perspective about me will completely change after hearing all the shit I've never wanted him to know I had been a part of or have knowledge of. "He wants us to follow him to Mexico. Start fresh, him in charge, no doubt." I scratched my nose embittered. "Just another Smurf." 

"Do you trust him?" 

I take his question into consideration and I honestly don't know if I do or don't. So I just shrug my shoulders. 

"What about Smurf, why does she want you?"

"Probably just like you said. She's just looking out for herself. Trying to get allies. Get us against one another. Same mind fuck as always." The resentment in my voice palpable. 

Adrian's rubbing my hand now. Gentle strokes that have me transfixed on the simple gesture. "What about Pope? Why did he ask me to keep you away from her? I thought he followed her fearlessly." 

I snort and laugh. "Shit. Pope hates her as much as we all do. In his own way." I look at him while I entwine my fingers into his. "That's all I know though. Something happened between them, only the three of them know though." 

Adrian looks up at me, squeezing our entwined fingers a little and strokes that same arm with his other hand. "Don't go to Mexico with Baz," he licks his lips nervously. "Don't visit her anymore, please." 

"I won't if you won't. Promise me you'll stay away from her too." It's a compromise that I'm hoping he'll accept. Which he does.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrian

It's well past 5 a.m. when I wake up with the sleeping Deran in my arms. We both drifted off to sleep after an all too intense pending conversation. His head is laying on my now numb right arm. His arm clinging to my stomach, and his right leg hugging lazily over my right hip and leg. He looks so peaceful. His beautiful face resting, void of his usual scowl. 

I smile and resist the urge to kiss him. I really need to move though, so I try to pivot my body and arm away from Deran as gently as I can to turn on my side. My arm immediately throbbing as my blood begins to properly circulate. I didn't wake him, but as I make an attempt to get off of bed he panics at the lack of my warmth and begins frantically search for me in his sleep haze. 

When he finally feels my body, he grumbles something I can't understand and pulls my back to his chest. Nuzzling his nose to my neck and kissing it a couple times before drifting back to sleep. I'm surrounded by Deran. I can't help myself, so I grabbed his arm and kiss his hand devoutly and bring it close to my chest as I succumb to my sleepy eyelids.

I'm usually up by 7 am, ready to start my day and catch a few waves before heading into work, but I wake up today well past 9 a.m. Deran's not beside me and there's a smell of something burning in the air. I sit up and stretch and hear a loud curse coming from the kitchen before the smoke alarm goes off loudly. It's probably heard through the entire second floor. I

I quietly laugh knowing Deran's cooking skills consists of two breads and a piece of meat or a bowl of cereal. I got to see this. As I'm making my way out his bedroom, my eyes wander over to the small desk tucked away in the corner. Stacks of paperwork and a computer that I'm assuming are for his business. There's an office chair and there's a faded blue hoodie draped over it. I recognize it, it's mine. 

I run my hand over it a little giddy realizing he's kept it as if it's equivalent of me. It's almost like a shrine how he's draped it over his private personal things. He didn't have me, but I was still here with him, in some inconspicuous unconventional way. 

I glance at the desk and see some metals tucked away behind his computer. Metals from his former years as surf champion and feel an ache in my chest and stomach. He'd been so proud of those medals, at his Triumph. Now they were just scrap metal. Pushed away and forgotten, collecting dust. Then my eyes land on a framed 5x7 picture of us in Belize. The picture I had no idea he'd kept. 

We'd both been laughing, sitting out on the patio furniture that had been supplied in my beachfront property rental. We both look carefree and happy. Sunkissed. Water clinging to Deran's hair and shirtless chest like some damn model. Me looking at his face with an open mouth grin. I remember what we did afterwards. We were all tongues, hands, and loud moans. We didn't have to hide there. I was free to touch him, kiss him, and he was just as free. 

"Dammit!" Deran yells loud enough to snap me out of my memories. I walk into his front door and windows wide open and him standing underneath the smoke alarm fanning it rapidly with the kitchen towel. He hears me laughing and I spot his ears turning a dark shade of red before he turns around to face me. The alarm finally quiets and he's shyly closing the door and windows before looking at me in the eyes. 

"So what's for breakfast?" I ask mocking him. 

He smiles at me embarrassed and quickly flips me off before making his way back to the kitchen. "Coffee's and pot.. Scrambled eggs and toast," he says motioning to the items as he says them. 

I look into the frying pan and see the runny eggs next to it is probably the most charred toast I've ever seen. How he managed to ruin two of the simplest foods you can make is besides me, but I hold back the laughter for his effort. 

"You know that craps not edible right." 

This time he laughs. "Cereal it is." He stretches his arms and hands me a bowl. We eat in comfortable silence, sneaking and glance at each other here and there like we're two kids. 

"Since you did all the cooking, I'll do the cleaning," I say picking up our dishes and throwing away the burnt toast and uncooked eggs. Deran follows me to his small sink and quietly leans against it and looks at me. He's nervous. Biting the inside of his lip and within a couple of minutes starts in on his nails. 

"Am i going to see you again, or are you going to disappear on me again?" He asks sounding hurt, causing me to stop what I'm doing and look at him. "Why didn't you tell me you closed the shop...that you moved? You even change your number."

"I'm not going to disappear on you okay. I'm sorry." I say bumping my shoulder to him. "We'll figure something out." I finish washing the last couple of utensils and pat my wet hands on my shorts, looking around for my keys and cell phone. I spot them on the counter, "I should get out of your way. Thanks for everything man. "

"When can I see you again Adrian?" He steps forward cautiously, "where can I find you?" He looks at me disheartened. "You know everything about me, nothing's changed on my end, but I can't even ask about you? "He sniffles and runs his hands down his face in frustration.

He turns away from me and makes his way back to his room. I can't leave like this, so I follow behind him like a lost puppy. He's sitting on the bed, hunched over and face in his palms. He looks so defeated. Did I break Deran Cody? 

I kneeling in front of him and run my hands up his legs calmly, soothing him with my touch. He wipes his runny nose with the back of his hand and looks at me. I don't know why I do it, but I lean into him and kiss him. startling him, but he doesn't pull away. 

"I'm right here. I'm not going to disappear on you again," I say close to his mouth. His eyes are still closed but I can still see his vulnerability. He's not hiding it away. He's letting me see him like I've always wanted to. "It's just you and me." 

As I say those words again, he opens his eyes to look at me. If he's trying to find an ounce of doubt in me he won't find it. I'm saying it with all honesty. I won't disappear again. I won't leave him for Smurf to manipulate. 

He latches his hands to my face and I can't help but lean into his touch. My heart pounding as I feel his warm breath skim my face, making me desire his lips on mine, wanting to be intoxicated in his taste. I can't wait for him any longer and I straighten myself, still on my knees, place my hands on either side of his body on the bed and close the gap between us. 

His lips immediately opening to my insistent ones. Moaning and grabbing fistful of my short hair. Sliding his tongue deep into my mouth and biting my bottom lip hard enough to get my dick shifting in my shorts. We press our bodies into each other because it isn't enough. My senses on overload. He needed me, and I needed him just as much. 

The vibrating phone in my pocket snaps me into reality, and I have to pull away regrettably. I hear Deran grasping for air, trying to compose himself as I bitterly look at the incoming text from Ed. 

"I'm sorry... I got to go," I say standing, awkwardly adjusting myself. He doesn't say anything, simply nods.

I bend down and give Deran a swift kiss. "I'll see you soon. I'll figure something out, okay." I make my way out of his room and spot a piece of paper and pen. I write down my number and place it somewhere he'll be able to spot and get the hell out of there before I turn back around and finish what we started.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran

Adrian and I aren't the same. Something has shifted. Although I know Adrian could have made things difficult between us, things aren't as bad as not having him in my life. We see each other every other day. He always drops in before or after my shift at the bar. He still hasn't divulged the information I want to know; where he's living, what's he working on. He simply says he doesn't want to fall back into familiar patterns. That he'll tell me when and if I need to know. 

I don't push anymore. I can't afford to lose him again, not after just getting him back. We're definitely not friends with benefits, but I'm also not sure if he still considers me his friend. He's here and that is all that matters to me. 

Pope has finally made contact. He very cryptically, in a very Pope way, asked me to look after Lena for him. I never understood his connection with her. I did notice he always acted more like a father figure to her then Baz since Catherine's disappearance. Always tried to shield and encourage her when life around all of us seemed so bleak. It was so unlike Pope.

Baz has also called a couple of times. Asking for a "family meeting". Whatever family he is referring to I don't know, we stopped being that long before Smurf got locked up. I ignore his calls and messages most days. I was never really a fan of his leadership skills since I can remember. Baz had always been like Smurf. Always enforcing his will and dominance. I'd broken ties with Smurf because of that, I would be crazy if I chose to follow Baz. 

Smurf on the other hand is a little more conniving. She knows better than to ask up front for loyalty and respect she knows she's lost long ago. She simply plays the mother card and ask to see her baby boy, to which come visiting day the chair is always empty. 

The day Craig finally shows signs of life is only to ask for help. Same shit different day, but I can't help the relief I feel knowing he's still alive. I even asked him to come back, tell him I miss him and that I will help him figure out a way out of whatever shit he may be involved in. But he's off on the quest to prove to himself, Smurf, and our brothers he can be more than "the muscle". He's not just a fuck-up. 

How fucked up are we? All of us, all trying to prove to one another, to Smurf, that we can do better than the next. Our competitive nature instilled by her. Nothing was worth it if you weren't the best at it. You weren't worthy of her love, respect, and support if you didn't constantly prove yourself. Pretty pathetic when you think about it. We were all grown men finally away from the only mother figure we'd known, still trying to show her we were better than her. That we were worthy, maybe not of her love, but respect. To be followed blindly. Loyaly. 

I was done with it all. I didn't want to do jobs that would soon catch up to me. I did not want to live in my brother shadows or follow in their footsteps. Most importantly I did not want to live my life longing for my mother's love and acceptance. Especially not after having to work for it to begin with. I mother's love should be unconditional, priceless, not bargained for. 

The choice was simple, I moved on. I work for myself. I didn't live in constant fear of being caught and put behind bars. I didn't have to cover others people's mistakes or dig up dead bodies only to rebury them. Literally. If I fucked- up it would be only on me.

 

He's here tonight. I sit here in silence and simply listen. He's talking very animated, making me smile and laugh along with him, but I have no idea what he's actually saying.

"Deran, are you paying attention to anything I'm saying?" He asks me with a smile. 

I shake my head, "no, I'm sorry I don't have a clue what you can't seem to shut up about." I laugh as I look at him. "Adrian... Why are you here?" I ask because I'm tired of the game we're playing. "What am I to you?"

"You're my friend, come on man," he pushes my shoulder playfully. I feel an electric current at the slightest contact. The only contact he's made since he last slept over, since we last kissed. 

"Seriously, I am? So why haven't you mentioned where you work, or where you live? Friends know that kind of shit, don't you think?" I'm a little upset at how he answered so indifferent. 

I stand up irate and just pace, willing myself to calm down and control my temper. To choose my words carefully and talk to him civilly. Not like the old me would handle it. Not with shouts and insults I'll later regret and can never take back. I can do this, I can talk to him. 

"Is that all you want from me, friendship? Is that all you want us to be?" I'm terrified asking those questions out loud. They will either break me apart or give me some kind of hope that I desperately need to hold on to.

Adrian sits there, seriously thinking about what I just asked. He's not looking at me, but I know he's apprehensive of my sudden change of conversation. 

"I don't know, D," he says all too quiet, but at least he looks at me when he says it. 

I'm standing stock-still as I stare back at him, then cautiously make my way to the couch where he's sitting at. I sit as close as I can, testing how much contact he's willing to allow me. I'm happy to see he doesn't pull away. I grab his hand and hold it between both my tanned hands. My breathing is a little harsher because I'm nervous, but I continued my ministrations, which he quietly accepts. 

I leaned in and graze my lips to his. They're warm, and soft, and tastes like only Adrian tastes. Sweet and of sea salt. I feel Adrian lean into me and slot our lips together in an open mouth, tongue fighting kiss. 

It's too soon, and I pull away against my will. I want him. Fuck, if he only knew how much self-control it takes me to pull away from him, but I want him to know what I feel for him. To know what I want. 

He looks as desperate as I feel. Anxious to let our lips and bodies do all the talking for us, but that has always been our issue. We never spoke clearly. We never talked about what we wanted. I wasn't going to repeat that mistake again. 

"Adrian, I want so much more than this. More than a stolen kiss here and there. More than a three-hour visit everyday other day and even longer good night. I want you, Adrian, and I mean all of you." I can feel my heart racing away, my palms are sweaty, but I refuse to let go of his hand.

I can't really read Adrian's expression, but he's not running out or pulling away from me, so I take it as a good sign. 

"I know we got a few things against us, but I also know that we got a lot more things in our favor," I say a little too hopeful. 

"Like what, Deran?"

"I'm out... Of the closet, i'm done doing jobs with my brothers. Best of all, I'm done with Smurf." I'm reaching right now because I want him to be on board with me. "I love you Adrian. In case I wasn't clear before, I've been in love with you since I can remember. I've just been too much of a pussy to own up to it. To tell you, but I'm telling you now, and I'll continue to show you and tell you if you let me."


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrian

Holy shit! Deran's sweating bullets right now. His golden locks are matted to his face and his voice quivers a little as he speaks. It's mesmerizing. 

"What exactly are you asking for, Deran?" 

I see you shy smile spread across his even brighter red face before he looks down and lets go of my hand to wipe his sweaty face. "Oh shit, you're really going to make me say it huh?" He speaks again with the tremor in his voice as he tucks his hair behind his ears. 

"You don't have to say... "

"Yes I do, so just shut up and let me try and say this to you." He speaks with his chin tucked into his chest. Then cautiously looks up at me licking his bottom lip and clearing his throat. 

He tucks one bended knee in and sits closer to me. "I've wanted you since I can remember. I've been a jerk to you and I've been childish. I've let you walk out of my life more times then I can count, and I can't do that anymore Adrian. You...Us, we make sense to me." He motions his fingers back and forth between us. 

I'm completely enthralled in seeing Deran shed all his camouflage and allowing himself to be vulnerable.

"You make me so fucking happy, Adrian. It's not just the sex," his slight blush deepens as he confesses, "sex has always been amazing between us... It's you. You call me out on all my bullshit, you're fucking fearless when all I've ever been is a coward. You accept me with all my flaws, and I know I have a shit ton."

I can see his eyes are filled with tears that are threatening to fall as I cup his jaw. He doesn't jerk away at my touch, simply turns his face slightly and kisses the inside of my palm. He's shown this softer and vulnerable side before, but there's more at stake here. His heart, his pride, his hope, all placed in front of me. Trusting me not to break him completely, which I know I can with a few words. 

It's not about revenge though. It's never been about that. My love for Deran was always and only in his best interest. I could never bring myself to willingly hurt Deran, no matter how much he's hurt me, willing or otherwise. 

I look at the man in front of me, no longer a boy hindered by his mother's acceptance and expectations. He's no longer carrying a chip on his shoulder to prove his manhood or one up his brothers. Before me is a man humbled. A man no longer ashamed to ask for what he wants. A man who isn't afraid to not only offer love, but also receive love. My love.

"Adrian, I can't stand the thought of someone else loving you the way I know I can. The way that you deserve. Do you... Can we be exclusive?" He asks nervously. He's holding his breath waiting for my answer, but I'm too stunned to form a word. 

"Like monogamy, you want monogamy?" I ask incredulous. 

"Do you want to be my boyfriend?"

I can't help the smile now shining from my face. I'm looking up at my golden haired God. Looking Fifty Shades of flustered, but I can't help my heart from swelling with happiness. 

I throw myself into Deran's unsuspecting arms and slot my lips over his hungrily. He clumsily tries to catch his balance but fails miserably and lands against the sofas armrest. His hands immediately holding on to my hips, molding me comfortably into his now open legs. 

We're both devouring each other's lips, allowing our roaming hands the pleasure to provoke moans we've both been holding back. It's pure desperation how his hands cling to my hips, more than likely already forming small bruises in their wake. I don't care though, my own hands are tugging harder at his golden locks, exposing his throat to my flicking tongue, before I leave small bruises across his neck and collarbone. 

I grind my hips against his and hear his delicious intake of breath and feel him roam his hands down to my ass. Gripping them tightly before I move my hips once again, in circular motion, making him hold me in place tighter. 

"I miss you so much, Adrian. Do you know what you do to me?!" His voice is strained and his arms are confining me to limited movement. It's torture. 

I flick my tongue into his open mouth teasingly, eliciting another moan. "I want you so much Deran." I can't even see straight, much less catch my breath as my heart and cock throb hotly against his. 

His tight hold slackens a bit allowing me to grind gently against his throbbing dick. His hissed breath echoes in the room, only encouraging me on. His eyes follow my greedy hand down and into his sweats. No other barrier than his sweats have me ready to release my load until I feel his leaking slit against my clumsy fingers.

Deran shifts his hips in a jerk movement which only allows me to fully grip his engorged dick into my hand. He closes his eyes in pure pleasure as I stroke him in a torturous pace. One of his hands grabbing one of my ass cheeks tightly while his other hand holds my neck, bringing me closer to him.

"You like the way I touch you Deran?" I want to hear him admit it. Hear him say it to my face, and I stop my eager hand from stroking him. 

He looks up at my me disappointed, but he immediately brings my face down to his and kisses me passionately. When he finally pulls away he raises his eyes to me and removes his old gray tank from his torso, then proceeds to do the same to my t-shirt. 

His hands gently slide over my pale skin and he smiles as my skin has goosebumps where the tips of his fingers just touched. His hands roam over my chest to the freckled covered skin above my shoulders. He leans forward gliding his wet tongue over my freckles, causing me to shiver. He's so gentle in his exploration that he has me trembling in his arms. 

His hand glide back down to my shorts and he unbuttons them slowly unzipping the zipper and tugging at them gently until they cling slightly over my briefs and hips. His hungry eyes taking every inch of my trembling body. 

He turns around laying flat on his stomach as he reaches into the side table next to the couch and takes out a bottle of lube. I feel him bend his knee slightly and push his ass back into my hips. He looks up at me over his shoulder with knowing eyes and I bend over his ass and trail kisses up his spine to the nape of his neck. Grinding my hips into his ass, hearing him groan in acceptance of my ministrations. 

I bite down on his shoulder and move his hair away as I kiss my way up his neck, then jaw, and finally ravage his mouth. Deran is all too willing. I can feel my precum start to soak through the material of my briefs in anticipation. 

"D, are you sure this is what you want?" I only ask because I'm usually the one who bottoms, but Deran only answers by pressing his ass more firmly against my dick.

I growl at his action and grab the bottle of lube from his hand and slather up my eager fingers. I tug at his sweats which he eagerly discards. Getting up on his knees and bending over slightly on one of the couch pillows. 

His ass cheeks are pale compared to the tan skin above his shorts waistline, and I can't help but bite down gently at one of his pale globes. Smacking it lighty causing him to jump a little but also grind harder up against my raging cock. 

I slip one finger into his tight muscle and stay still, willing him to relax enough around it so I can pleasure and torture him a few minutes with my fingers. When he finally relaxes enough to accept three fingers willingly, I'm all too ready to pound into Derans tight virgin ass, but I wont. I've waited way too long to have Deran's first-time be nothing but pain for him and be over within the few selfish thrusts.

I slather up my throbbing dick with a good amount of lube and tighten my grip around my shaft a few times to calm the building blood. Running it a few times between his ass cheeks, making him a little more relaxed for me. 

I lean forward once again, "you need to tell me if I'm hurting you. I'll stop, okay."

"I trust you, Adrian," he says fervently and kisses me softly. 

The trust he's placing in my hands has me shaking, even more than the need I feel to make him mine. I'm a little choked up as I feel the head of my cock plunge into Derans tight hole. He tightens around me so delicious, I have to count to 10 in order for me not to thrust further. 

Deran is tense under me and i slowly begin to kiss his back and shoulders. Reminding him to relax and very slowly he start sliding his ass back onto the length of my dick. It takes some time, but when his ass finally hits my pelvis bone he sighs in relief. A slight sleeve of sweat accumulating over his back and shoulders.

It's only when I feel him completely relaxed that I begin to slowly thrust in and out of him at an exquisite pace. Gripping one hand over his right shoulder and another over his hip. I feel him shudder at every thrust. He eventually bends down completely, allowing me the glorious view of his ass in the air, receiving every inch of me. Unapologetic. 

It's a beautiful sight to see and I appreciate it even more. Deran's always been a proud man and having him put down his guard completely, gifting me with the deepest and purest way he could allow me to love him. 

I am so caught up in the moment, in my thoughts, he start startles me when he aligns his back to my chest changing our position. My head hitting directly at his prostate at every thrust. I lock my shaking arms tightly around his chest as I feel him slam his ass back down onto my dick, both of us so close to our climax. 

He moves his now sweat-soaked hair away from my face and loops his hand around my neck bringing me into a sloppy open-mouth kiss. It's a mess and we're all breaths and clashing teeth, but it doesn't deter us. My hand wanders down to his pulsating leaking cock and I frantically stroke him to the rhythm of my thrusting. 

It doesn't take more than a few thrusts and strokes before I have Deran in a puddling mess underneath me. Stated and spent, both our body shaking in bliss and exhaustion.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran

I can feel Adrian sweat covered body shifting slightly on top of me. We're both still panting, trying to catch our breath, Adrian's trying to shift next to me and I find a comfortable spot. I shift my body to the side so I'm facing him on my right side and his chest slides down comfortably next to mine. 

He smiles at me and I can't help the blush. It's that breathtaking smile where his eyes squint and shine at me. It's genuine, and a makes me tremble. His hand is sliding up-and-down the side of my rib cage and down to my hip bone in a teasing slow pace, while his left arm is moving my matted damp hair away from my face. 

I close my eyes and allow myself to bask in the feel of his fingers and eyes peering into my skin. 

"You smell of sweat and sex," Adrian says laughing quietly.

"When is that ever a bad thing" I ask with my eyes still closed.

He sighs and I feel him lean closer into me locking his mouth over mine into a sweet lazy kiss. It doesn't take long before it turns desperate and has us both grinding our cocks into each other. I could never go tired of Adrian. He's everything I always wanted and never thought I deserved. To this day that might still be the truth, but it doesn't stop me from trying, from wanting him.

"So is this a yes?" I ask cupping the side of his face and stop the kisses I want so bad. 

"What?" Adrian pulls away confused. 

"Can we be exclusive? Have a relationship; boyfriends?" Damn I sound like a fucking high school kid saying this.

Adrian sits up abruptly and I'm going to into a panic attack. "Hey, don't go," I say clinging to his left arm. He leans forward and grabs his shorts and puts them on. I do this same, a little ashamed, and pull my sweats on almost robotically. 

"You don't think we're moving a little too fast into this?"

I laugh but it comes out almost as a whimper. "To fast? We've been together, doing this," I motion my fingers back-and-forth between us "… since I can remember." I turn around and walk away, not really wanting to be to close before I drop down on my knees and beg. "Look, Adrian. It's cool man, forget I said anything."

He's blocking my escape to the hall in no time. "Deran, I just mean," hes walking towards me when all I'm trying to do is stop my lips from trembling. My eyes focused on the wood floors that are blurring from my vision. 

I feel him cup my face but I still refuse to look him in the face. "Are you sure that's what you want, are you ready for that?" I try to jerk my face away or to step back. Anything for him not to see me break down again, but hes there, unrelenting. 

"I'm sure I don't want to see anyone touching," Adrian says running his thumb slightly softly along the neck and jaw. "Anyone but me kissing you." He demostrate sucking hard on my bottom lip, leaving me wanting for more. "I also don't want you fucking anyone else but me," he says grabbing my ass and hauling me forward on to his growing erection. 

I'm all hands now. I'm extatic at the change of events and even more excited to hear Adrian say exactly what I want. 

"If we do thisn it'll just be us. No misunderstandings. One fuck-up and I'm done. We're done. Same goes for me" It's not a warning. I know Adrian isn't compromising with this and it's fine by me. I won't fuck-up this time because we're both on the same page. I don't want anyone else but Adrian, never been more sure of that.

I can't even stop myself before i'm practically tackling him. We stumbled back into the hallway walls. He's laughing into my mouth as I try to claim his lips. Teasing me a little before bending down slightly and allowing me to kiss my boyfriend properly.

Shit, I have a boyfriend! I slow down a bit as we finally make it into my room. Adrian stumbling backwards onto my bed. His pale freckled skin flushed. I'm on my knees for a minute, just admiring the site. I never thought I'd get this, get him. He's here. In my life. In my fucking bed. He's mine. 

Adrian leans forward concerned and wiping my face off of the tears running down my face. "Hey," he says holding me my face to his chest. "It's OK Deran, I'm here. It's just us." His soothing hands roaming my body.

I lean back on my heels and stare back at him smiling. "It's just us." 

He peers down at me finally realizing that I'm happy and he shakes his head in acknowledgment. "It's just us."

"You're mine." I say in a whisper. 

Adrian leans forward and kisses each of my eyelids before whispering "your mine" into my parted lips and consuming my tongue. 

His lips are soft and gentle on mine. Tasting every centimeter of my mouth languidly. Were not in a rush and I take my time exploring his muscular physique. Hearing him moan and sigh at my arousing exploration. His long fingers gripping my hair and occasionally the comforter surrounding him. The beautiful crimson flush on his chest creeping slowly up his neck and to his freckled face. 

His erratic breathing luring my scrutinizing eyes to his flat abdomen and further down to his perfectly formed v lines. I run my tongue along them causing his throbbing dick to twitch up to my chest. His leaking cock streaking my chest and stomach slightly, making my mouth water. 

I lick around his slit longingly, then slide my tongue down under his shafts protruding vein and further down to his balls. Feeling his legs and thighs shaking under my hands that are now holding them apart. I kiss the inside of his left thigh eliciting a-sharp intake of breath before slowly rimming his bundle of nerves. 

Adrian throws his head back and pushes his ass down onto my tongue and I hum in appreciation. His taste and smell is intoxicated and making me harder by the second. He shifts under me planting his feet on the bed and leaning on his elbows to look down at me open mouthed. My beautiful man. 

I eagerly fist my hand around his dick while I try to push my tongue into his tight hole, but he jerks up and swats my hand off of this pulsating cock. 

"Come here." Adrian demands, pulling on my upper arm and neck. Tasting himself on my tongue. "I'm so ready for you. You plan on torturing me to death?" He asks breathless in between his all consuming kiss. 

His right hand roams down my back to my ass and he grunts in disapproval as he claws my sweats off of my waist and almost expertly kicks them off my legs. His hand finding my hot and heavy dick and stroking it while he pants into my mouth. My body laying heavily on half of his, slowly pumping into his fisted grip. 

"Stop, stop, stop," I say hurriedly and take the hand that is stroking my dick and entwine it into mine. 

Adrian shifts under me once again, allowing me to adjust perfectly between his long limbs. I align my dick perfectly to his entrance and lean slowly into him as he opens up for me without resistance. We both moan in union, catching our breaths and savoring every sensation, burn, and squeeze. I lay on him lazily and skim my fingers around the side of his face. I slowly grind into him in circular motion, tightening my still entwined fingers around his hand and holding it above his head while he squeezes my right ass cheek. Lifting his hips zealously to my dick.

I look down at him. Every single inch of him engraved in my brain, heart, soul. In every fucking molecule in me. 

"I love you," I say impassioned and kiss him vehemently. 

I move his my hips while my lips are still touching his and Adrian desperately claws at my back, "more… harder, please," hisi voice almost a wail to my ears. 

I reach my hand down to his right leg and hold it over my hip. The sigh Adrian lets out only has me thrusting deeper, harder, and in a haphazard motion. His moans are further from complaints. It's the fuel that lights my fire. 

"Tell me you're mine! Who do you belong to? Huh?" ask in between half choked pants. I take in every sound and face he makes and halt my movements mid thrust. "Tell me. Tell. Me."

Adrian opens his eyes, his eyelashes caught in the glare of the sunlight gleaming in through my window. "I'm yours, I'm yours! Move.. Now..Deran." His voice rising with every word. 

Satisfied with this answer and the need reflecting in his eyes I bury my face in his neck and hold both his legs around the waist and pound into Adrian. His legs tighten around my waist instinctively, giving me more leverage and a perfect angle to hit the spot I'm coveting. 

I feel him writhing under me, his labored breath hot against my skin. "I'm close. You… you close?" He's tighten around me in a vise grip that has me chasing my own release. I'm a goner when he bites my left shoulder and his ass is milking me. 

I feel Adrian come back down slowly, now kissing gently upon my shoulder. I know I'll see teeth marks and maybe even broken skin, but I wouldn't mind at all. I'm staking claim on him too. Leaving my own bruises on his neck. After seeing 3 very visible purple bruises forming on his pale skin I kiss him triumphantly, pleased with my work.

Adrian slaps my ass playfully, giggling quietly at the sound echoing in the room. When I try to pull away I spot his already bruising bite mark on my shoulder. Definitely broke the skin. He mouths sorry shyly and it tugs at my heartstrings. 

I kiss is blushing cheeks, "war scars," I state and he frowns, "love bites?" We both laugh and he kisses me a little too fast for my liking. 

I pull out and roll onto my back finding his fingers again and kissing his hand before bringing it to my chest.

"That was… amazing," he says glancing at me sideways.

I play with this long fingers and kiss their tips. I can feel his eyes on me, but I need to touch him. Get my fill of him. Even if it's as simple as holding his hand. 

"It's always been good between us… I mean the sex. I knew it would only get better." 

"We better shower and get some food in you. We stink and you know you get extra grumpy when you're hungry," he says laying on his side looking at me.

I turn and face him, smiling, kissing his palm, this time before In entwining our fingers. "I got all I need right here," I say pulling him closer to me. 

He leans forward just as my stomach betrays me and lets out a protest that has us laughing our asses off. When our laughter finally subsides he holds my face and looks at me seriously. 

"Shower then food, OK?" He kisses me once again and before he gets off the bed a haul him back down. 

"Shower then food," I kiss him long and hard, "then round 3."

"Mmmhhh, round 3 can't wait," he bites my lip and gets off the bed too fast for my reflex's and makes his way to the shower.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran

What can you do after finally having all the missing pieces? In my case, after finally being able to be with the only man I have ever loved… nothing more than to desperately try to recuperate all the wasted time. A decade's worth of kind and loving words, missed opportunity of touches and kisses, and the simple privileg of feeling free to tell him what he means to me and the love I feel for him. 

Adrian's always been kind and humble. Honest. There is no deception in the way he looks at me. No holding back or questioning. Although, there is hesitation to voice his love for me. I ache to hear those 3 words slip from those pink lips. He might not say it, but I can feel it in the way he touches me. I feel it in the way he looks at me with his piercing blue eyes. In the way I feel his heart excelerate under my hand and his pulse violently pulsating at the base of his neck. He doesn't say it, but he lets me see his love in all the small details. He's demonstrated it by staying in my life, always patiently waiting. 

We try to pretend nothing has changed. We're still Adrian and Deran, but we're really not. We're the better/healthier version of us. The sooner we realized that the easier it was for us to grow, this time, grow together. We have our up's and down's, and even days we can't even stand to be around one another, but those days are too few to even count. 

The only hard limit in our relationship is the topic of Smurf and Baz. Adrian's even fine with Craig and Pope coming into our lives every so often, he's even grown somewhat attached to Lena as she to him. It's irking at first, how Lena became a little more present in our lives. I'd even became a little jealous of her taking Adrian's time away from me, but she became somewhat of a fixture in our lives. If she is not with Pope she's either with Adrian or me. 

Where I find the patience for her, I don't know, but I'd like to think Adrian has rubbed off on me. Of course, Lena would still rather spend her time with Pope or Adrian, but I'm on her top 3 list. 

She still asks about Smurf and when she will be home, but Pope is always there to soothe her and explains that she is not allowed to be in our lives anymore. Not only because she's in prison, but simply because she's just isn't a good person. Lena seems to trust Pope blindly, never questioning his answers or motives, no matter how much she doesn't understand the circumstances. 

She also very rarely asks about Baz now as well. She shuts down whenever he's around and begs to be left with her Uncle's or Adrian. The distance between them further each day, completely unphasing Baz. It inferiorates Adrian and Pope the most who always comfort and coddle Lena. 

I see Baz's frustration too. I don't try to make excuses for him because he has been a shity father, now even more with Catherine's disappearance. Maybe he sees too Cathy in Lena, or maybe he just wants a clean break with Lucy. It's all pretty fucked up to me, regardless . 

Pope seems more stable now and I think it's all thanks to Lena. That and the fact that our mass manipulator is locked up and out of our lives. But there are days when Pope comes into the bar completely void of all emotion and drinks himself shitfaced until closing time. It's on one of those nights when he confesses how the drift between Baz, Smurf, and himself came about. 

It's chilling, although not all much of a surprise. I always knew Smurf was capable of arranging someone's murder. I known she'd done it before, I just never thought she'd manipulate one of my brothers to do her deed. She'd always drilled into us that we should always pay someone else to "get rid" of the disturbance. Always said to keep our hands clean, but she had actually gotten one of her sons to do her dirty work. 

To get rid of one of our family members. Someone who'd threatened Smurfs authority and never really fell in line. Cathy, had never been an informant like she'd made Pope believe. She was just another person Smurf couldn't manipulate or control. She never liked any other female presence in my brother's life, she always wanted to be the only female in our life's . Cathy had broken the mold. 

My own sister had been basically secluded and run off. I always thought it would eventually happen to Nikki once she'd become more combative and questioning. Maybe even to Lena. Once their purpose was fulfilled in whatever twisted play she'd use them, they'd eventually be discarded. 

Maybe that's was how she saw a Pope, how everyone saw him. As unstable and psychotic. They never really understood him. He was our black sheep; someone they could pin the blame on. I always saw Pope as intelligent, observing, and someone who do anything to protect his family, even if it came down to murdering. I could see Smurf using him for this only to later let it all fall on him. He'd be accepting of it, if it was all for the greater good. In reality, it was only solving Smurfs personal problem.

I now understood Pope's need to protect and make up to Lena what he had taken away from her. I understood why Baz tipped off the cops. I understood, no matter how much I tried to be different from my brothers, my name would always catch up to me. I wasn't just a theif and a thug. I was now an accomplice because I could never betray my brother the way my mother had betrayed us. 

I had to keep this away from Adrian. I wouldn't drag him down with me. Lena wasn't safe with none of us, but she had no one else to turn to. No other family on Cathys side. I doubt she'd want to leave with Baz and Lucy to Mexico. I wasn't so sure we'd actually let her go either. 

Just when I thought my life was beginning to turn around. Everything was good at the bar, with Adrian, then this shit hits the fan. How can I stay in Adrians life and lie to him? How do I stay next to him and not get him involved in all the bullshit that's about to eventually come out? 

Smurf is in prison but she'd eventually roll over on us for a better deal. The only loyalty she shone was to herself. She didn't count on us as her sons or workers anymore. She'd talk. If not for a better deal, definitely for revenge.


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrian

I stare at him across the bar. He's deep in thought, the crease between his eyebrows giving him away no matter how many times he denies anything is wrong. Is just us, and I am only here waiting for him so we can leave and get some rest. He's fidgety. Not concentrating on the end of the night drawer count. It's the third time hes counted the stack of money and has yet to deposit it in the safe. 

"What's wrong D, why are you so tense?" I ask massaging his tense shoulders and kissing his temple. He sighs and leans into my lips with closed eyes. I smile at the small release of tension I managed to get him to let go of with that simple gesture. I love how unabashed he is with his acceptance of my affection now. Always wanting more. 

"Here let me finish counting this, open the safe, and i'll deposit it when I'm done. You pour some shots or whatever, and I'll finish putting it in the spreadsheet." I push my hip against his to move him aside and he smacks my ass a little too hard with a wicked smile. 

"Thanks, Babe." He's blushing and making my heart skip a beat. He doesn't use pet names very often so when he does it just makes me fall harder for him. 

When I'm finally done updating his spreadsheet I shut down the computer and turn off the office lights and make my way out to the bar where he sitting. Again, crease between his eyebrows and typing away on his phone.

"All done, ready when you are."

"OK, just give me a minute," he says not glancing away from the screen. I take the bottle of beer in front of him and take a sip. 

"Who are you texting?"

"Craig." I stare a little frustrated at the one word answer when he doesn't elaborate. 

"He in trouble? Where will you be sending money this time?" I ask laughing.

"He's an Arizona. On his way home."

"That's cool, what happened, he run out of money?"

"No." 

Again the one word answer. Something's up. I feel it on my bones. Deran's been on edge the last few weeks. I notice hes not sleeping much, his moods all over the place, and he's been short with everyone except Lena and me. He's definitely hiding something. I just wish he'd tell me and not make me beg or make me drag it out of him. 

"OK. I guess I'll see you tomorrow," I say irritated and ready to leave before it turns into an argument. 

"Whoa, wait. I thought you were staying over tonight," he says finally putting down the phone and looking at me. He makes his way to me and kissed me. Trying to change my mind with his expert tongue. 

"It's off, I'll put it away OK. Is just us tonight. Yeah?" Again that tongue flicking teasingly against mine. 

It's almost works, but this sudden intrest in side tracking me is more nerve wrecking. It must be big for him to want to hide whatever it is from me. The fact that Craig is suddenly coming home, after being away for so long makes me a little nervous. 

"Deran, seriously, what's going on? Why is Craig coming home?"

He steps back and runs his hand over his face. He's bitting his bottom lip and now I know that it's serious. He seriously stressing out about something and he's keeping it from me. 

"Is it Smurf?" 

"Adrian, let's just go home. You don't need to worry about anything. It's under control."

"That's bullshit, you don't think I've noticed you these couple of weeks, what's really going on?"

"Family meeting. That's why Craig's coming home."

He's still being evasive. I look at him frustrated. He knows I know something's wrong, but hes not budging. No matter how much I want to stay with him tonight, I know this will only bug me and we'll argue so I just rather go home and sleep alone. 

"See you tomorrow," I say turning around ready to walk out.

"Come on Adrian! Don't do this, you don't need to know this shit, trust me you don't want to hear it!"

"So this is about Smurf? This family meeting it's about her, right?"

I can see Deran's brain working on a diplomatic answer, but I also see his exasperated look and his nervous tics of biting his nails and playing with his hair. It's about her. It's always about her. Deran was mine a minute ago, and in a blink of an eye, he's back to allowing his conniving twisted mother back into his life. 

The shutter that runs through me leaves me weak and desperately wanting to get away from him and the whole messed up situation. I knew something would happen that would eventually cause us to deal with her. I was just hoping I'd get more time with Deran before it happened. 

"Right."

I turn around and make my way to the car. I know he won't follow me. She is a hard limit for me and I have no idea where I am left in Deran's life if she's back in the picture. I can deal with his brother's, even bend a little for Baz because of Lena, but Smurf?......


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran

For the first time I'm thinking like a responsible adult. I'm thinking about someone other than myself. I'm doing everything right and I can't seem to keep my happiness. Maybe Craig was right, this was karma for the church job. Hell, maybe it was karma for all the jobs we'd pulled. It was too late to lament now. I didn't have no one to blame but myself. 

I could run after Adrian and try to explain, but I know he would see through whatever lie I came up with. I didn't want to lie, but this was definitely something he'd stay in the dark about. Even if he hated me in the end, I would definitely do everything to keep that shit from him. 

I knew I'd be in this position some day. I'd said it to Craig before; when Baz had informed us of Smurfs arrangement and gotten rid of Javi. We'd been accessories to that murder without knowing, and now after Pope's drunken confession, I have two dead people on my conscience. 

Just remembering Pope's break down that night, seeing the pain on his face and hearing it in his voice made me my stomach churn. Cathy and I hadn't been close at all, but she'd been family nonetheless. Now with Lena in the picture and the bond she and I had slowly formed these past few months made me hate Smurf so much more. 

She had use my brother's love and loyalty against us and used it to her advantage. Of course she had known we'd all stay tight lipped about Pope's involvement in Cathy's murder. Although cops were still investigating it as a disappearance, 1 clue or bit of information could easily turn it into a murder investigation. 

How could I look at Lenas' big brown eyes now and not think of what I know. How could anyone explain to her that the grandmother she had known and loved all her life had been the person behind all her pain. That the uncles she'd gravitated towards had all been accomplice in her mother's murder. My heart broke knowing that she'd hate me. She'd hate all of us. 

I had no intention of going home to an empty bed and a sleepless night. I look around at the bar I had been so proud of.   
All mine. Blood, sweat, and tears had literally gone into making this business of reality. How long before I'd have to trade it in for a cell block and bars. I take a bottle of tequila and drink. I will lose my brothers. My freedom. Most importantly, I'd lose Adrian. 

I should walk away now and give Adrian a clean break. A chance to start fresh without me or my family hindering his future. I could do it, cut him loose; knowing I'd be doing the best for him, but I won't. He wouldn't let me, and I don't want to either. I could only try to figure out a way to keep him at bay from what's to come. 

Half a bottle of tequila later, I'm still sober. Thoughts all consuming my will to forget. Smurf had always given me a reason and the need to self destruct, as opposed to Adrian. Adrian, who always pushed me to be better. Stronger. To be independent and to lose all my inhibitions and simply have faith in myself. I had faith in him, in who he made me want to be. 

At least I'd done it. I'd proven to Adrian I could change. That I could go legit and be an honest law abiding citizen. Of course, that didn't erase the years before. The choices I had made. It didn't change that there was a whole shit ton that could be added to my wrap sheet. All convicting me and confirming that I was still the piece of shit Smurf had raised me to be. 

I didn't need the adrenaline rush and high I got after a job unscathed and uncought. Adrian's presence provided that for me, I had it daily. I didn't need to put on the tough thug act I've portrayed since I could remember because I was always simply Deran to Adrian. The feiging was put aside and i was allowed to be me; in whatever state I might be in, I was always me. 

I never had to be what Smurf wanted and needed from me with Adrian. When we were together for however long or short of a moment we had, it was always just us. He let me take whatever I needed from him at the moment. Peace, benevolence, honesty, love, or lust. He'd give it all freely and not expect anything in return. The more I tried to be all those things for him the further I got from them. He deserve so much better than me. 

The phone on the counter snaps me out of my pity party and brings me back to reality, it's Craig. It's also 6:00 a.m. And I have yet to get a lick of sleep. Not that it would come easy anyways. Might as well push through it. 

We decide to meet at the bar at noon. Group text sent out and confirmed. No going back. It was time to make a decision about how we were going to move forward with the information we all knew; except Craig. It would probably be be tense and there might even be fists and blood involved, but we all needed to be in agreeance. Not let Smurf get in our heads or put us against each other like she'd done on so many other occasions. 

I feel like a zombie. Like my head's disconnected from my body. I don't know if it's due to the lack of sleep, or the tension that I've had building up for weeks. It doesn't dissipate when J, Pope, Baz, and Craig walk. It only intensifies: my head ready to erupt. 

We get down to business straight away. No formalities or bullshiting smalltalk. 

Baz speaks up first. "Smurf's got herself a lawyer. Asshole's asking around for witnesses to testify in her favor. Any of you guys been contacted?"

We all shake our heads no, except for J who's sitting away from the table. Of course, hes no doubt on Smurfs side. He had yet to see her true colors, but fuck it if we'd all try to help him see the light. 

Baz looks irritated with J already. He shuts down the conversation refusing to talk about her, knowing J will most likely go back and repeat the discussion. He instead redirect the conversation back to the money that is held up on all the properties and the cut we are all owed. 

"I'm not selling shit. Paperwork is all under my name, I'm not doing shit until Smurf asks me to." J stares at Baz unafraid. 

"You're going to have a rude awakening when she fucks you over son. Mark my words. Don't trust her."

He squares off against Baz. "Like you're any better. You're the last person I'd trust. You made the call. He's the reason she's behind bars." J looks around the table at Pope, Craig, and myself. "This asshole's the reason your mother is locked up!"

Yes it's the truth but not the whole truth. Smurf had set off a chain of events that I don't think she completely thought through. J didn't know what I knew now, so I understood his misplaced anger. I understood his resentment. 

"You're only here for this part of the conversation J, listen up. We," Baz points at us, "have worked for all that that bitch has put under your name. It's not all hers. All we're asking for is our cut."

I see the "Cody defiance" in J. I'd probly be proud of it way back then, but now is just sad and pathetic to look at. Just another person Smurf has molded into her liking. 

"I'm not selling shit."

"If we don't sell before this shit gets ugly, the court will probably take possession of all the properties. Use it as collateral or worse, use it as proof of the jobs we've done. They found fake documents, passports, and a large amount of money in her possession. Do you honestly think they won't question how she; how we live so comfortably.

I tune out the conversation because I honestly could give a flying fuck about the money at this point. I know Pope feels the same as me. He's more than ready to just turn himself in, only holding back from doing it until he's sure it won't affect us. 

He's planning something. I only hope he confides in me to help him. I want to protect him and look out for him as much as he's done for me all these years the. 

J walks out and I don't have a clue what was even decided. Craig and Baz are talking about the possibilities of everything being seized. I'm more concerned about Pope and his stoic demeanor.Baz still hasn't looked directly at Pope. I don't know if it's because hes avoiding him, or just too preoccupied. 

"I'm going to turn myself in." Pope says emotionless and monotone. "She won't stop unless someone else is in there with her. I'll work up a deal. Give them information and get her more time."

"What! Are you actually considering this? Why don't we all just get the fuck out of here man? We all have more than enough money to pack up our shit and leave. Start clean somewhere else, I don't know, somewhere across the border? Somewhere where nobody knows us." Craig is now pacing nervously. "I didn't drop everything I was doing to get hauled into prison. Besides, we still don't know what the hell's going on with Smurf."

"Don't you think that's a pretty rushed decision?" I ask because someone has to say it. Baz is just staring at him, almost burning holes and to Pope skin. I know it's between them, but they're both my brothers. Its best for all of us to be on the same page. Put aside our differences and think of something. 

"Craig's right. You all should just get out. Leave the country and not come back. Do it now, before we're all put under observation and you aren't able to leave the state." Pope finally looks up at Baz. 

"I'm not leaving until I get what I've work for all these years. She's already taken too much. I'm going to make her pay for everything; for everyone she has taken from me." Baz's shaking and clenching his fist at his sides. 

"Don't you mean what I've taken from you." It comes out in a shattered voice. Pope shoulders shake as he bows his head and cries. 

Craig looks around confused, stopping mid step. I can feel the burden Pope's carrying. I want to help him carry it, if only he'd let me. Baz beats me to it.

"No brother." Baz's voice comes out gruf and he embraces Pope in a hug. Their competitive nature and tough composure put aside. "She did this. She did this to us. She's always taken everything from us, and we've just given it to her. Not anymore. I'm sorry. I didn't believe she'd go this far, she's manipulated us all, had us all under her control." He steps back and grabs Pope's face and forces him to look at him. "She used you like she used me. We don't apologize....she has to. I love you brother." He looks up at Craig and me, not bothering to hide his tears. "I love all of you. You're my brothers. That will never change."


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrian

The text comes at 2:30 p.m.. 

Pope: Can you please pick up Lena from school? Running a little late. 

It's not the fact that I'm asked to pick up my boyfriend's niece from school that bothers me. It's the fact that it's my boyfriend's brother the one who asks me to do it. I haven't heard, seen, or received of text from Deran since yesterday. 

Me: Sure. 

I let Ed know I'm stepping out and make my way to pick up Lena. I welcome the destruction. Lena always manages to keep me busy and on my toes. I bonded with her in a short period and love her so much. She's innocence and tenderness personified. There's isn't anything I wouldn't do for her and she knows it. 

The trust she placed in me; even before Deran who is actually more family than I am, only makes me want to shield her from anything or anyone that can destroy her view of the world and people. As it is she doesn't have the best influence or the structure she needs, but she does have people who care about her. That love her. 

I love her, and I don't mind fighting for her to get a decent start in life. To give her the opportunity to be a more, better than what she's grown up around. 

There's a loud sound of an alarm followed by kids laughter and screams. All single filing outside their assigned classrooms and now making their way out to the front gate to be picked up. 

I spot her long braided hair and beautiful big eyes in no time.   
She squeals and runs towards me across the school parking lot, waving goodbye to her classmates before she wraps her skinny arms around my waist. 

"Hey princess. How was school? You learn anything new? "

She smiles and comfortably places her tiny hand in mine as we make our way across the cross walk. She's filling me in on every single detail of her day then finally makes her way to the booster seat in the back seat of my car. 

"I thought Uncle Pope was picking me up." Her big eyes a little hurt that Pope didn't show. 

"Sorry princess, you're stuck with me for a while. I thought you like spending time with me." I pout and make a face to make her smile.

"He told me he'd pick me up when he dropped me off today. Daddies back," her voice drops slightly. "I rather be with you than him though. Thank you for coming to get me Adrian."

The smile she gives me melts my heart and it also makes me want to strangle Baz. What kind of father would want to miss out on this beautiful little girl? 

"Any time princess. What do you want to do today, you hungry?"

"Can we go get pizza?"

 

The drive home is filled with chatter from the back seat. She lets me chime in every once in a while, but most of the time I'm laughing at the random conversation. 

After she finishes her pizza, I supervise while she completes her homework before allowing her to turn on the TV. We've done this so often that she's already knows the drill. She's a good kid. Smart, sweet, and very intuitives. 

Come 8 o'clock the knock on the door startles us but doesn't wake the sleeping girl curled up against my side. I know it's not Deran because he has the key. I gently place Lena against the couch pillow and open the door. 

"Hey man." I step aside and let Pope in, no Deran behind him. 

"Sorry it took me a while to get here. Thanks Adrian."

"No problem. She mentioned Baz is back in town, why didn't he come get her?" I can't help the resentment in my voice and Pope hears it clearly. 

"Better this way, you know she doesn't really like to be around him."

" She would if he tried." I look back at her small body on the couch. She needed a home, stability. A father. 

"Look, I know you don't think much of us, and I know that you love Deran inspite of us." Pope makes his way to pick up Lena, now sleeping comfortably over his shoulder. "I also know you've grown attached to her," he looks down at Lena. "Might even love her. Both of them love you. Whether you want it or not you're a part of this family, and family takes care of each other." 

He shifts around quietly until he spots her backpack. "Thanks again man." I open the door for him and watch him make his way to the parking lot. 

I've grown more accustomed to Pope. I wasn't so intimidated by him anymore, and had grown comfortable with him like I'd always been with Craig. They both just wormed their way into my life. I saw pieces of Deran in Pope and Craig. The untainted pieces Smurf hadn't managed to corrupt. 

There was truth in Pope's words. I had grown to care for them in a weird way. I don't think I'd ever come close to caring much for Baz. Much less Smurf. They were too much alike for me to actually consider warming up to. They were too self centered and egotistical. It would be fine by me if I never saw them again in my life. Out of sight out of mind. 

I spot my phone next to the TV remote and my stomach sinks a little when there is still nothing from Deran. I miss the jackass.

Me: How did your family meeting go? 

Waiting for the reply is torture. I know he's probably busy, but the not knowing is killing me. 

Deran: Not really sure how to answer that.

Me: Do you have any missing teeth or a black eye? 

Deran: LOL. No. My incredibly good looks are still in tact. 

Me: Good! That is the only reason I'm with you. 

Me: You coming over tonight? 

Please say yes. Please say yes. I don't think I'll be able to sleep another night if I don't see him. I wouldn't even care if we argued, I just want to be with him. 

Deran: Can't tonight. It's been pretty busy and I need to sort through some shit. 

Seriously?! Why is he pulling away now? We could sort through whatever it is together. 

Deran: I miss you. 

Me: Night D. 

Deran: I love you. Night Babe.


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran

My mood worsens as a night drags on. Heather pulls me aside to check my attitude, complaining that I'm chasing away customers and interfering with her tips. She suggest I leave and get my shit together, which I do. I don't really want to go home, and no matter how much I'm dying to see Adrian I can't head over to his place. 

I haven't seen him in 2 days and I still haven't figured out what to tell him. It was best to avoid him until I knew what I'd say to him. I'm probably making the situation worse and making him more curious and persistent in figuring out what the hell is going on with me. 

Pope had picked up Lena earlier and Craig headed back to my place to crash. Maybe he could help distract me and offer some helpful advice. Yeah right, not likely. I miss the bastered, so I'd make it work. 

When I make it home Craig a sprawled out on my couch drinking and watching whatever's on TV. 

"Shit, no coke? You actually clean tonight?"

"Shut up shithead. I should be tweaked out right now. You should be happy I'm no, after all the crap I heard and what we talked about tonight… I regret coming back man."

He offers me a drag of the cigaret in his hand and I take it hoping the nicotine will settle my nerves since a whole bottle of to tequila did nothing for me yesterday. 

"Nice place you got here man. Adrian and you aren't shacked up yet? Tell me you didn't fuck it up again." 

I smile and punches shoulder. "I fucking miss you. I didn't have anyone pointing out when I was being an asshole, was kind of lost for a minute there." We both laugh. "The answer's no, by the way. Kind of glad about that right now though, with all the bullshit that's happening. I don't want him around for that."

"Shit man, that's pointless. He's with you right, like a couple couple?" Craig blushes when he asks and is genuinely happy when I shake my head yes. 

"Baby brother finally grew up!" He says throwing a couch pillow at me playfully. "Seriously though, if you guys are actually doing the relationship thing, he's gonna be around for all the baggage you come with. I mean, he's been down for you even before, so why you keeping him away?"

"It's different this time Craig. You don't have a clue of other crap that's been going on."

I want to tell him about Pope killing Cathy, but I decide against it. The less he knows the better. Besides, he doesn't even want to stick around which is understandable. Hes right he should have just stayed away, he seems to be doing better. 

"Where the fuck you been, you idiot. What the hell did you do out there you couldn't do here?" I smile at him proudly. There are no needles or coke bags scattered on the table. Only vice still notable is the cigaret he's been holding and the beer in his hand.  
"You look good brother" 

"Thanks. Guess I just needed to get away from here. From her. You're the only one I really missed," he says taking a drink of his beer. "I met some people and I'm running my own jobs. Even got a few guys working for me. The only thing missing was you watching my back… had to do it myself. Got clean and a little wiser. Shit's actually working out for me."

I pull him close and hug him. Damn, this day has just been so emotional. "Always knew you'd figure it out. Proud of you."

"You sticking around here or are you disappearing like I plan on doing?"

The question weighs heavy on my heart. I was done running. I'd done that all my life. Even if that was an actual option, which it wasn't, I couldn't ask Adrian to drop everything. Even if he'd agree, what kind of life would that be. Us constantly hiding and running. I'd be the fugitive and I couldn't take Adrian's freedom away.

I might be thinking too far ahead, but I had a suspicion that Pope would break at any moment. He was more than ready to serve his time. The remorse visible on his face every time he was around Lena. 

"I'm not running anymore." I look at Craig and push him slightly. "You do what's right for you, whatever that is." 

The melancholia pulsates off of us. We were always the closest and the realization that we'd soon part ways; both now grown and capable of making our own lives. We would always be brothers, but our lives were changing. Growing apart. I only optimistically think it's for the best. 

"I'm beat. I'm gonna shower and crash. You got downgraded to the pullout couch. I'll get some sheets and see if I have a spare pillow." 

I pull out whatever spare sheets I have and tossed them at Craig before heading to the shower. I stand underneath the hot stream, letting it soothe my tense muscles, but it only works for a minute. Thoughts of Adrian constantly streaming. 

My body aches for him in ways it never has before. My fingers, all too familiar with the feel of his skin, tingle in need to explore his body. My lips and tongue crave to taste him, and my arms long to hold him. I had grown used to his every quirk and presence that it now felt like I was going through withdraw. 

It was closer to 2:00 a.m. now. He might be asleep, but I could sneak in to just hold him. My plan might backfire, but I just need to see him, smell him, feel him. I get dressed in a hurry, my hair still wet and dampening the tattered t-shirt I pull on.

"Late night booty call?" Craig mocks as I make my way past the now dark living room. 

"What's it to you. Get some sleep." 

"Tear that ass up bro." He laughs as I open the door but calls out to me before stepping out. "Do you do the pounding or are you the one who gets the pounding?"

I see his cocky smile through the light shining in from the door. I flipped him off and I make my way to where my heart is and where my body wants to be. 

 

I unlock his door cautiously and quietly. All the lights are off so I make my way to his room. It's quiet and I can hear Adrian's breathing softly. His room is slightly lit by the street light shining in through his thin curtains. 

I toe my shoes off, pull off my damp shirt, and just leave my boxers on. I can make out his body form slightly to the center of the bed, he's only covered with a thin gray sheet. I make my way to the bed, sinking down into it as gently as I can in order not to wake Adrian. I press my chest against his back and I can't help it any longer and sink my head down into his warm neck and breathe in his scent. 

Adrian doesn't flinch or make a sound so I pull him gently by his waist bringing him closer to me. His taller frame adjusting perfectly into mine. For someone who'd always avoid any sort of intimacy, caress, or gentleness; I've definitely can't help but love having Adrian in my arms like this. Spooning has become one of my favorite things to do with Adrian; besides kissing. 

I trail my fingers down his right arm to his hand and lock my fingers with his. Although my mind and body are exhausted, they are quickly awakened and intent on rememorizing every single inch of Adrian body. 

Kissing his back and shoulder, then the nape of his neck. Feeling his soft hair tickle my nose and of course, I smell his hair next. Taking in a lungful whiff of his ocean breeze shampo until I finally make my way back to his neck. Only then I allow my deprived lips to kiss the pale skin they've been seeking.


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrian

I heard his steps being muffled by the carpet before he even stepped into my room. Heard him strip his clothes off; when I really wanted to see, but I pretended to feign sleep. Too scared to turn around and have him change the gentleness in his touch. 

It was easier now for him to be more altruistic and affectionate, but I knew he was more comfortable this way. At least for tonight. 

His cold wet hair touching my bare back and shoulders, causing me to shiver and turn my skin into goosebumps at its contact. I can feel his smile on my neck and I pull his arm more tightly around me, allowing his back and breath to warm me. 

"You awake?" He whispers in my ear causing another shiver. 

"I am now," I reply sleepily and push my ass back against his groin suggestivly.

"You're cold." I feel him shifting and when he releases my hand to get the comforter I stop him. 

"Don't you dare move. You're warming me up just fine."

Deran stretches his left arm under my neck and turns me to face him with his right. He's laying half on me. His body pressing me onto the mattress, and his chest pressed up against mine. The contact of his breath, skin, and smell all waking me up completely and arousing my desire for him. 

"Hi." He kisses me softly, "I've missed you."

"You've been avoiding me. You didn't have to miss me." I run my fingers through his hair and my heart constricts when I see him lean in to my touch. 

I could see him clearly. Feel all his worry and fear. Deran had never been good at concealing his emotions. Most would probly just see the constant anger, distress, or irritation; which Deran lived in most days, but he only let his guard down with me. Allowing me to see how lost and confused he really was. 

"What can I do to make it better?" 

I feel his minty breath on my face. His hands stroking my sides as he stares down at me. "Can you just… love me." 

His eyes are focused on my lips. He's embarrassed at what he's just asked from me. He doesn't have to be, because I already do. I know he's asking me to take care of him. Asking me to make him forget his problems and the world. My whole world is cradled in the palm of my hands right now. Everything revolves around this stubborn, grumpy, complex man. There are no other thoughts but Deran, and no one else matters because in my world it's just us. 

I start by kissing the pinched spot between his eyebrows. Silently wishing that he can put every thought aside and focus on us. We're here, together, and nothing else matters. I kiss every inch of his face where there is tension present. Slowly breaking his unease until I can only see yearning. 

I slot our mouths together and tremble at the moan Deran releases, feeling it vibrate on my tongue. His taste heightening my desire for him. My next move is pretty clumsy but neither of us mind as I shift on top of him, pulling his boxers down so he's laying naked under me. My hands greedily roam over his perfectly tanned sculpted body. I don't waste much time and take the last barrier between us and toss my shorts aside, then take his hardening cock into my mouth. 

I feel the heaviness against my tongue. He is pulsating and getting harder with every bob of my head. I love the loud and unabashed groans and curses coming from Deran's mouth. They coax and excite me on. Making me grind my leaking cock against the mattress for some relief. 

I gaze up at him, his mouth gaped open into a perfect O. His hands gripping my hair, not quite pushing or pulling and I have to taste him. I crash my lips against his, sure that he can taste himself on my tongue. I grab both of our throbbing cocks into my hand. Stroking us at a delicious pace; our pre-cum aiding as a lubricant.

It's a heady feeling looking down at Deran's face so close. Taking my time, pleasuring him and muffling his gasps with my mouth. Feeling him jerk his hips up into my fist, chasing his release. He groans when I stop my stroking and make my way back down to take him into my mouth. 

He calls my name almost painfully, stopping me. "I need you." 

I need him too. Painfully so. I kiss the tip of his penis and this time when he fists my hair, he pulls me up and releases me only when I am straddling him. My dick slapping against his toned stomach. He reaches out to grab it and I swat his hand away. Pushing my hips down, grinding on him.

Deran throws his head back and I lean over and suck on his exposed neck while he grabs my asks. Kneading it between his calloused hands. I've always been proud of knowing what Deran likes and what gets him off. Much as I am conqueror, I am also conquered, because Deran is also very in tuned with my body as I am his. 

He runs his finger between my asscheeks, and I know what he seeking. I pin his arms down, denying him access. I hear his agitated breathing and I understand his frustration. I have always allowed Deran to touch and take me, but he asked me to do this for him. I kiss him softly, "let me." I want to say 'let me love you' but for the life of me I can't. 

I feel him relax and and breathe, trusting me to make it better, his dick still throbbing against my ass. He's a leaking mess and I push myself back against him. His head against my tight hole. 

"Adrian, I don't wanna hurt you." He says in a strangled voice. Holding my hips, preventing me from being impaled. 

That is exactly what I want. To be connected to him. To share his pain in some weird way. I can take it. "Let me… please." 

He hesitantly pushes my hips back as I lean my hands on his chest and it's sweet torture. I let my instincts take over when my tight muscle finally budges against his probing stick. Loving him through the pain. His pain and mine. 

When I wake up the following morning it's me who is spooning Deran. Of course, our a sexcapade was not all pain. I have the dirty sheets and a deliciously sore ass to prove it.

Deran's stirs at my lingering gaze. A sheepish smile forming on his lips as he brings my face down for a good morning kiss. 

"You look rested." 

"Thank you I needed that," he says kissing my knuckles. 

"Well, you wore my ass out, but you look rested."

His booming laughter echoes off the walls and he hugs me close. "It was good. The best, but I meant the sleep. I couldn't sleep without you."

Morning 'love confessions' are the best.

"Don't stay away next time. We can fight and argue all day, but I cannot not see you… bastard."

We both laugh and cuddle until our morning breaths are a buzz kill and we finally get into the shower. I make us breakfast while Deran takes a call in my room. It's serious from the look of his face, one of his brothers on the line. When he finally emerges into the kitchen there's a stern look on his face. 

"Do you think you can meet us at the house, Smurfs house, around 5:00 p.m.? I mean it's a family meeting… do you want to come?" He's fidgety again, biting his almost gone nails. 

"To your family meeting?" I ask a little incredulous, causing him to blush. "If you want me there, I'll be there." 

Deran moves closer to me before leaning his forehead against mine. "Thank you Adrian." He pecks my lips and steps back with the worried look on his face. He's anxious again. Last night's peace already gone. 

"Do I need a get away car or ski mask?" He laughs whole heartedly. Tension temporarily forgotten.


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran

It's weird being back in my childhood home. All the rooms are empty, only memories and a few unimportant items left behind in our bedrooms. There are no scattered beer bottles left in the living room or a raging party going on in the backyard. Smurf is not in the kitchen baking or making pot roast for "her boys". Just dead silence greets me as I search around for Pope. 

I pull out a beer from the fridge. The only item that is never low in this house. I hear Pope slam his truck door and wait for him at the kitchen island. He looks tired. Guess our sleepless nights have finally caught up to us. I take another bottle out and offer it to him as he scans the kitchen. 

"Thanks man, is J around?" He asked taking the drink. 

"I don't think so. Who else we expecting?"

"Baz." He looks around again, "where's Adrian?" 

"He'll be here in a couple of hours. What's going on, why does he need to be here for any of this?"

" I've set up an account for Lena. Money's all there, it will build-up and she'll be set by the time she's 18. I set up a second account for you and Adrian as well."

I'm so lost I'm sure I'm looking at Pope like hes just grew a second head. "What are you talking about?"

"Investment man. I got this guy, stock broker, and he's doing some investments to build-up Lena's account."

"I'm still not understanding."

" You hear about the banks being hit a while back?"

I remember hearing in passing about a handful of banks being robbed a couple days back; now looking at Pope it finally hits home.

"Shit Pope, what the hell did you do?"

"Listen to me Deran… the second account is for you and Adrian," he's looking at me, expecting for me to have a fucking clue as to what that's supposed to mean, but I don't. "Enough for you guys to get away and start fresh with Lena."

The gravity of the situation hits me. "This is what you've been doing, planning all along?" I stare at him infuriated. "Do I have a say in all this shit, man it's my life too; and Adrian, no Pope he's not getting involved in this shit."

Pope stocks around the counter, grabs my shoulders and shoves me down on to the stool. He turns around and flings his bottle at the sliding glass door causing it to shatter. I can see his body shaking in anger and his knuckles turning white as he fists his hands. 

"It's her only chance Deran. She needs to be far away. I don't want her to hear or to be around when I give her to them." 

"Who's them? What the fuck are you going to give them?"

Pope finally faces me, blood shot eyes fixated on me. His nose flares as he breaths trying to hold back a sob that escapes his lips. "I'm leading them to Cathy. I need this to be over, but I needed to make things a little easier for Lena, you know? She's going to hate me Deran. She just needs to be far away as possible until she's older and she can understand. When you explain it to her."

I let it all sink in. There is some reason in Pope's crazy, but he's forgotten about a couple of things. 

"What about Baz? You think he's just going to sign over papers and let me take Lena? And Adrian, you think he'll just go along with this? It's crazy!"

"I'll handle Baz… I have seen Adrian and you with Lena. I know you care about her as much as I do. We all know you're the best fit for her. Baz is too self absorbed to care for her. To really be there for Lena."

"He's her father Pope… she's going to hate me too. I've known all along about Cathy, she'll figure it out. Even if she doesn't right now, she eventually will when she's old enough to ask. She'll hate all of us."

The days of stress have finally caught up to me and I finally break down and cry. I cry for Lena and the innocence she'll lose at the tragedy that is pending to be revealed. I cry for Adrian because I always manage to fuck-up his life and our relationship. And I bawl my eyes out for the shity mother I was given and how she's fucked all of us up . 

I feel Pope's arms around my shoulders and he just lets me cry. When I'm finally calm he looks at me like he did when I was a kid. Like the older brother who is there for reassurance. Like the Pope I remember, before Smurf got into his head and morphed and manipulated him into what he is now. 

"She won't hate you Deran, you didn't do anything wrong. It was all me. She needs you Deran. You're the only one out of the business, she needs normal. She needs you. Please help me make this right."

He's trusting me with the only thing in the world I know he cares about more than life itself. He's trusting me to give Lena the normal living we never had. Away from danger, and asshole sibling rivalry. Away from backstabbing grandmothers and threats. Lena deserved a clean start more than any of us. I knew what I had to do, but it's still didn't feel right letting Pope take the fall. I couldn't. 

We couldn't ask Adrian to agree to this either. Yes, he cared about Lena, but we couldn't ask him to drop his life, his business, everything for us. I couldn't ask him to do this.

Just as we were beginning to talk things out Baz walked in mid sentence. "What the hell happened to you two?"

Pope clears his throat, not prolonging the conversation any longer. "What do you plan on doing, you sticking around for the trial or leaving town with Lucy?

"We're not sure yet, Lucy thinks we should just leave, but there's just too much merch. We can't sell it fast enough without raising any red flags. Can't really smuggle the shit over either. You have any suggestions?"

" What about Lena?"

"What about her, she's coming with us."

"So what, you take her out of one shity family then onto next one. She doesn't like Lucy, I don't think she ever will, and she doesn't like being around you… "

"Yeah, well you don't get a say in what I do with my daughter!" Baz yells across the kitchen. Both of them staring at each other with their tempers flaring. 

"Do you even love her Baz, or do you just see her as an obligation?"

"Fuck you Pope! Of course I love her, she's my fucking daughter!" Baz says pushing Popes' chest. 

"So don't take her with you man. She deserves better than this… the shity life we grew up into. You want her to learn to do jobs at the age of 9 or 10 like we did? You want her hiding dead bodies and never having a normal relationship to protect the family?"  
Pope's not screaming, simply talking and trying to let his words sink into Baz's head. "Do you want her to grow up with an absent father who worries more about the next job than her?"

Baz is furious, but he's listening intently to every word Pope is saying. Considering every possible outcome. "So what do you suggest, leaving her with you? You're just as fucked up as I am, maybe even worse. There's no one else Pope, is just me."

"But what if there was. Would you sign your rights and Lena over? You'd still be able to see her, know where she's at all times. She just be away from us, this lifestyle."

Baz considers it for a minute. "Cath wanted to get out, I should have listened, maybe she'd still… " he stops when he sees Pope flinch. "What's your plan?"

I listen to Pope lay out his plan again to Baz. There are still a few tense moments in their conversation, but Baz agrees it's a solid proposal. Even admits Pope is better at being a father than he ever was and probably ever will be. Maybe this is the only way of redeeming himself. By taking himself out of the picture and giving Lena a better chance. 

However, the moment i'm mentioned in the plan, Baz changed his mind because I was just like him. Completely clueless at parenting and I am in fact a Cody. But as soon as Adrian was mentioned Baz seemed to be back on board. That was what Adrian inspired; trust, protection, stability, and normality. Everything we never were or had. Now the next step would be to get Adrian on board as well. 

I look at Baz and Pope and interrupt. "I'm in. I can't say Adrian will go for it, but if he does, he can't know about the bank robberies, the dead bodies, or Cathy."

"How do you expect him not to find out?" Pope asks curiously.

"Look I know he will, just give me time to tell him my way, and when we're far away from here." They both nod in agreement. I know they both are thinking that I just need to be upfront about this. That it might seem like i might, in some way, be tricking him into taking Lena with us and running. Maybe in some way I am, just a little. I just couldn't see myself doing this without him. I just hope he would understand when the time came.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay my loves I am so sorry I have been posting updates so slowly. Life has gotten in the way and i've had writers block, which sucks. Anywho, I have a couple of chapters ready to post, so let me know what you think. Be honest. We are nearing the end soon! Let me know what you expect or want to read. I can't assure I'll put it in because I'm pretty set on how I see this ending, but i'd still like to hear what's on your mind.


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrian

Baz almost walks into me as I make my way to the sliding glass door. I look at how the shattered glass is barely holding in place, and begin to wonder what new argument i'm walking into. 

From the looks Baz is flying solo, but I'm curious so I ask anyways. "Is Lena inside?"

Baz stops walking and scratches the back of his neck in irritation. I hear him mumble something like 'damn, you too,' then stares at me and says that she's with Lucy. I know he sees the dislike in my face and he throws his hands in the air in frustration. "I'm doing the best I can, alright. Maybe you'll do better." 

He stares me down, expecting me to say something, but I don't have a clue why he's even talking to me or what his outburst even meant. We both usually try to avoid each other. "Whatever man, we'll talk later," he says and walks away. 

I walk in cautiously, expecting to see blood or more broken glass, but instead see Deran reading through a file of documents. Pope leaning over his shoulder quietly pointing out where signatures are needed. 

When Deran finally looks up and sees me I can see the tension leave his shoulders briefly, only to be replaced by worry. Pope of course is his usual stoic self, but I'm used to him by now. 

"Hey," I say sitting across the counter from the two brothers. "What's going on, why am I here?"

They both exchange glances before looking at me, "give us a minute, Pope." When it's just Deran and I again, he steps around the counter and kisses me. Not as a distraction but almost like it'll be the last time he'll be able to kiss me. 

"Hey, what's wrong D. You're scaring me," I say trying to laugh it off. 

"If I had to leave; soon, would you come with me?" He asks me quietly holding my hands in his. He's hiding his face from me and I hate it. 

"Leave, where? When? Why Deran?" He steps back and hands me the pile of paperwork he was reading a minute ago. I scan them over, flipping through each page briefly. They're power of attorney and guardianship paperwork. Even adoption paperwork. The name at the top of each petition; Lena Blackwell. I look up at Deran dumbfounded. "What's going on, is Lena alright?"

"She can't go with them to Mexico and she can't stay here. Baz agreed to sign over custody or guardianship if we get her away from here… the trials about to start, she doesn't need to be here for that." 

"So what, you want to take her? What happens after the trial; you just hand her back? That's a lot of responsibility Deran." 

"I know it is, but what other choice is there Adrian. She has no other family. You wouldn't even have to sign any paperwork if you don't want to… all I'm asking is if you would consider coming with us."

This is one of the reason I fell in love with Deran Cody. Because he can always step up to the plate and take care of business, even when he scared shitless. I could see he was panicking about his decision, wondering if he was crazy to agree to it; but he cared enough for Lena to put his whole life on pause for her. To do what was best for her. 

I also knew he was terrified about asking me to do the same, which in turn made me nervous as well. I didn't have a clue about kids. I knew Lena, but we were talking about having her 24/7. I was used to having her for a couple of hours then handing her back. Would she even be okay with this? 

Pope steps back into the kitchen and interrupts my train of thought. "Actually, it would be best if it was Adrian signing, other than Deran." He looks back-and-forth between us and answers the question before it's even asked. "Deran has priors. All small shit and done with; but still on his record. Court will look into that. Besides, he's a Cody; we're not fondly thought of, anywhere." 

I look at Deran and his face drops. "Deran could still be co-guardian but you'd be the one on the paperwork. I looked into it already. Lawyer says that in California all we need is for Baz to agree and you can take Lena. He'd still have his parental rights, but you'd be able to take her if he agrees. Lawyers ready, court date set, and Baz is in. All we need is your consent and signature." 

Pope's normal crazed look is now pleading. Expectant. "I know you love her Adrian… family takes care of family, right?"

That bastard. This is what he was talking about last time. He is not completely conning me into this; because he's right, I do love Lena. Still doesn't give him, any of them, the right to use it against me. I look at Deran again, his apologetic look making me more angry. 

"Say I do sign and agree, why am I taking her, and where? You want me to do this, but I need explanations; because right now none of this makes any sense to me." 

They both jerk back slightly, surprised at my sudden temper and raised voice. Deran looks nervously at Pope and answers before Pope even gets the chance to speak. "We're just trying to get her away from the trial and hearsay. We don't know what Smurf will do. Lena could even be called in as a witness to soften the jury. We just don't know." 

I can tell he's hiding something. It's not all a complete stretch, but why go through such drastic measures. 

"Baz just agreed to this?" I ask incredulously. 

"He actually didn't, unless it was you signing. He trust you more than me," Deran says. 

"Asshole's probably avoiding his responsibility; just rather dump Lena off on anyone than just being her father." 

"Better for her," Pope raises his voice. "You think him and Lucy are a better choice? Mexico? We can be mad at Baz all we want, but right now this," he waves of paperwork in his hands. "This is the better choice! You're her only choice!"

I stare at the paperwork overwhelmed, and scan through the requirements. I know I can show proof of most of what the court will be asking for. All but one. The simplest question burning a hole onto the page and my brain.  
DO YOU WANT RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE CHILD IN QUESTION? 

Lenas innocent eyes and beautiful laughter run through my thoughts. Her tiny little hand grabbing onto mine, completely trusting. Her sad little face when she knows Baz would be around and her reluctance to go, almost pleading to let her stay. It settles my decision and I look around for a pen. "Where do I sign?"

"Your in?" Both brothers simultaneously ask. 

"Yes it's not like this is happening overnight. I know there is a process, and this is just a precaution. In case things get messy, right? We might not even have to leave."

"Exactly," Pope's says quickly. "Good. I'll have my lawyer get with you and Baz to run shit by you. There will be interviews and court days, just so you know."

Pope walks away and continues the conversation with what I presume is the lawyer over the phone while Deran sits quietly biting his nails. The silence between us is deafening until I can't take it anymore. 

"Is there anything else you haven't been man enough to talk to me about, or should I wait for the next family meeting?" There's a punch to my question, and I see tears brimming Deran's eyes. Apologetic. 

"I'm sorry Adrian. I didn't want you… you don't have to do this."

"Yes I do. It would just be nice to know what the hell I'm walking it into. Haven't you realized all these secrets won't stop the truth from coming out? If you don't know by now that you can trust me, I don't know what else proof you need."

I'm so angry with Deran at the moment, that I can't even stand to be in the same room. I can't hear any more when he tries to explain. I know it will only be half truths, or versions of his truth.

Some fucking family I was adopted into. I wasn't agreeing to any of this for them. It was all about Lena. Maybe she'd be happy about this and not as scared and confused as I am. I love her, and right now I was the closest thing to normal for her; and that doesn't say much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok....i realize my legal expertise is not completely on point, please don't be too critical about it. It's fanfiction, cut me some slack and work with me.


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This following chapter is basically a summary of Deran and Adrian's thoughts, along with the rest of the characters mentioned so far and their storyline development. Again, bare with me and my lack of law knowledge.

Their relationship is a bit strained and rocky. Mostly because Adrian didn't accept the answers he is given by either Pope or Deran. Now with Baz in the loop, it only made Adrian feel more excluded and in the dark. What was the point of being part of a family that only uses you as a cover or back a plan. At least that's the way it seems at times. 

When had their relationship turned into Deran family relationship. They were all more involved in their lives then before. Lena was one thing, but now Baz? Adrian still struggled to even be in the same room with him without wanting to let him know what he really thought about him. Of course, they all knew, it was just never properly addressed. 

Deran feels the tension between them and hates it. He realizes it's all due to his family's never ending drama. He knows Adrian can walk away at any moment, but hasn't done so yet. That has to mean something. He has to mean something to him if he hasn't ended it. 

Sometimes Deran wonders if Adrian decision to stay day in and day out was simply for Lena, or if he stayed for him. He doesn't have the balls to ask Adrian; he's just grateful he still there. 

They both miss the effortlessness that they had before things got complicated. Before it all got too real and every day became a struggle and choice to stay together. To keep fighting for whatever was left of their relationship. When it wasn't all about court dates, lawyers, and interviews with the case workers. 

Those were actually the easier days for both of them. When all focus was on Lena and getting everything right; that was their goal after all. But in the moments when it was just them two; no paperwork or Deran's brothers, in those moments they felt so disconnected from one another. 

Adrian resented all the lies and half truths, but couldn't question Deran anymore. In no way did he accept it, his patience dying slowly each day. The current circumstances creating a barrier between them. A barrier Adrian never thought would be there again because Smurf was now locked up, but in her place was now Pope and Baz. Each plotting and using him without him even knowing the actual game. 

Deran saw Adrian began to pull away. His smiles were not given so easily and his laughter seemed to be true and reserved only for when Lena was around. He felt his unhappiness. Saw Adrians' disappointment in him. Every time he'd stumbled on a lie, or tried to evade going into detail; he saw Adrian lose trust in him. It was even worse when Baz and Pope were around. Adrian would give them yes or no answers and completely shut down. Whatever closeness he'd once developed with Pope was now a distant memory. 

Not that Pope cared much. His only focus was on Lena. They all listened to him and followed his instructions. Even Baz hadn't put up a fight. Pope understood Adrian's resentment and aprehension to trust in any of them. They never really given him a reason to; but he appreciated Adrians' love for Lena, he trusted in that.

Craig was like Adrian; totally in the dark, only he liked it that way. Actually encouraged it. His plans hadn't changed. He'd book it as soon as there were signs of trouble. No one tried talking him out of it. The less people knew, the cleaner the break. Deran wished he could look at the situation like Craig, but he just couldn't. 

Baz only showed up when he was needed; or when he needed a break from Lena. Lucy was always on his heels, pressuring him to take control and change his mind about Lena. Deep down he felt miserable. He knew he was a crappy person and an even crappier father, but if he couldn't give up his jobs when Cathy had been around; Lucy was no different. He'd be a better father to Lena by providing security. He knew he just couldn't be there for her emotionally. His short dysfunctional relationship with his father and later Smurf, completely changing him. He only had those 2 examples of "caring parents," what could he really offer Lena? 

It had been finalized in their last family court hearing. Adrian would be able to travel with Lena in or out of state without a problem. He'd be able to choose her schooling, make living arrangements, and provide any medical needs that Lena would come to need. Adrian had been granted guardianship and was advised to keep careful records that would be needed annually for the court's report.

Lena was skeptical at first, believing Baz or Adrian would reconsider and back out. She questioned why none of her uncles had petitioned for guardianship; a little hurt that they didn't want her. It taken Pope to get her to understand that it was not that they hadn't wanted her, but that their run-ins with the law only made it impossible. She was very smart and understanding, but that didn't stop her from wondering where she really belonged and who actually wanted her. 

Her big brown eyes full of worry at such a young age. Adrian did his best to reassure her he'd protect her and that he loved her just as much as her uncles did, calming her nerves temporarily. She'd still have her uncles and their unconditional love, but Adrian would be there when they couldn't. How do you began to explain the complicated life of the Cody's and her father to a 7 year old when Adrian didn't understand it either. 

It had taken 2 months to get confirmation from the court and receive all the legal documents. Nothing had really changed, they were all still under stress. Smurfs' trial closely pending and they were all being closely watched, which didn't help. Everything seemed to be in order, but the constant duress Adrian felt was still very present. What were they all waiting for? What was the point to all this planning? When would he finally be told?


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrian

The call comes in early, way too early. It sets my panic alarm off immediately. Everyone knows you can only receive bad news at 4 o'clock in the morning. Deran had texted earlier saying he wouldn't be staying over tonight; and it was well past the bar's closing time.

My clumsy fingers reach for the bedside table to find my phone in a hurry. Caller unknown. I pick up already knowing in my heart who it is and knowing something is terribly wrong. 

"Adrian?" I hear Deran's broken voice. Almost like Pope; emotionless. "Adrian… it's happening. Find Baz and get things ready. You and Lena, it's time for you to go."

I'm listening to him, but it doesn't make sense. Is he talking in code? "Deran, what's wrong, where are you? I don't understand."  
I'm shouting. Panic clearly in my voice. 

He breathes in and clears his throat. "I was with Pope." He pauses and I swear it's like he's testing my patience, but he speaks before I yell. "We got pulled over, shit got pretty bad. Just find Baz he'll explain." 

"So you're detained; where are you? I'll come find you and post bail or figure something out." I'm up out of bed picking up whatever piece of clothing my hands grab and putting them on hurriedly. 

"It's not that simple anymore Adrian." I hear a stern voice in the background speaking to Deran. "I got to go, please just find Baz, he'll know what to do. I'm sorry Adrian. I love you." 

The dial tone is so loud; it could've possibly busted my eardrum. I touch my ear to make sure, but I don't feel nor see any blood. It feels like I'm moving in slow motion. Nothing makes sense. I'm staring at my phone wanting to call Deran back, but the call was unknown. I have no way of knowing what police station he's being held at and for what. 

What do I do? I wouldn't be this clueless if he had only been honest. What do I do? There had to be something I could do to get him out of there, wherever he was. 

Baz! He said to find Baz. I'm still moving in slow motion it seems, but I find Baz's name on my contact list and dial. He picks up at the first ring and he sounds just as panicked as I am. 

"Meet me at Deran's apartment, I'll be there as soon as I can."

""He's not there he's..." I stumble for words, but Baz cuts me off before I complete the sentence. 

"Adrian, you have the key. Meet me there okay?" He hangs up before I say anything else. 

It takes me a minute to find my keys and even longer to stop my hands from shaking long enough to insert into the Ignition. I take a deep breath and stare at the deserted street. My mind constantly repeating the same question; what the hell is happening? I'm worried sick about Deran, but I'm even more mad. Why couldn't he just tell me and let me help him? I'm so mad that it actually helps me calm down enough to get myself together and drive. 

I'm getting answers today! If they want my help, Baz will have to tell me what's really going on. He trusts me enough to take his daughter and run, then I'm sure he could trust me with whatever dark twisted secret all three of them are trying to keep me from finding out. 

When I get there Baz and Craig are waiting besides his Jeep. Craig is a mess, and from the looks of the of the cigaret butts that are scattered at his feet, he's smoked about a pack. Baz has a black duffel bag perched on his shoulder and talking to someone on his phone. He hangs up as soon as he hears my car door slam. 

"What the he'll is going on Baz, I want answers. No more bullshit. I want the fucking truth." I don't even know I'm doing it but I'm pushing Baz hard against his vehicle. He's even to stunned to stop may advances. 

Its Craig who's calm enough and blocks my aggression. Grabbing my face and forcing me to focus on him. "It's cool Adrian, calm down man. Its cool, look at me. We are going to figure something out." He only lets me go when he is sure I'm calm enough, but doesn't move, keeping Baz and I separated.

I lead them up to Deran's apartment and let them in. I take in every misplaced item and the mess that is all Deran. His smell still lingering in the air. Maybe it's because I need the distraction or because I'm just trying to hide the fact that I'm crying, but I began to tidy up his place. 

"So what the hell Baz?" Craig asks and I stop what I'm doing and turn around to face them. 

Baz opens up his bag and begins pulling out what looks like files, passports, and IDs. They are no doubt Lena's, but why? 

"Deran was with Pope when they got picked up. Pope had weapons in the car, which violated his parole."

"Okay, but it was Pope's car. Deran was only the passenger right; why is he being held?"

Baz looks at Craig then me. "We were already being watched… Pope maybe a little more closely than us. The gun matches bullet casings that were found at a couple of bank robberies not too long ago."

"Where does Deran fit into this picture?" I'm shouting again, but this time Craig doesn't even try to intervene or cam me down. 

"They're saying he's an accomplice. Deran's not talking, so they're holding them both." Baz goes back to sorting out the remains of the bag leaving me reeling with an over active imagination. 

"So what do we do next. Pope's planned every detail out, I'm sure he has a lawyer we need to call right?"

"Craig, you still set on not getting involved and leaving town right; the less you know the better?" Baz watches Craig shake his head yes and walks to him and hugs him. "I think it's time you leave brother." 

When they tear away from each other Craig turns around to face me. Eyes red rimmed and shakey breath. "I'll see you as soon as I can Adrian." He holds me tight and I feel his enormous frame shaking. "Just do whatever Deran asks you to do. He loves you, trust me. He's looking out for you before himself. He knows what he's doing." 

Craig exits the apartment without another word or glance back. It's just Baz and me. My dislike for him is not even the main focus. Baz has the information I need to know, and I know he is now more than willing to tell me. 

"What else have you guys been hiding, what don't I know?" 

Baz looks down at his hands. He's never been one to shy away from confrontation and I don't understand way he isn't looking at me. "There's a specific detective that's been investigating Catherine's disappearance." Baz says still avoiding my eyes. "That same investigator is on this case. He's been the one waiting for Pope to mess up. He caught a break tonight." He finally looks up and I see the sadness in his eyes. 

"Where exactly does Deran fit into this scenario? He was just an innocent bystander."

"Adrian, it's not just about the bank robberies anymore. He's going to use Deran as leverage to get information out of Pope."

"Why, he doesn't know anything! Pope disappeared for half the year, no one knew where he was at." I stop talking when Baz shakes his head in frustration. 

"Catherine's not missing Adrian!" 

My head is throbbing because I can't seem to comprehend what he's trying to tell me. Why would Deran be used as leverage? Why had Pope done several bank jobs without his brothers? I'm more than sure Deran had no clue about that. Nothing is making any sense. 

I see Baz stroking Lena's passport picture. How, why is he so damn calm. Wait… 

Deran's being used as leverage. Pope insistence on Lena being taken as far as possible from here. Craig not wanting to be envolved. Baz snitching out Smurf. Deran's insistence at keeping me in the dark. One thing after another running through my head, starting to make sense. 

"You said Catherine's not missing?…" I can't say what I'm thinking. I have to be wrong. I know Deran wouldn't. He wouldn't, but he'd never roll over on one of his siblings. My eyes start to tear, Baz becoming a blur before me. Then he confirms what I dare not say out loud. 

Baz shakes his head solemnly. "Deran's refusing to talk."


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran

I've been sitting in an investigation room for who knows how long and my mind keeps straying to the phone call I made to Adrian. Thinking about the fear and panic in his voice and how he thought it would all be a simple solution. 

When Pope had showed up at the end of the night; before I closed the bar, he looked somewhat distraught. He'd been acting this way days prior, but he worried me enough tonight that I had thought it best for him not to be alone. If I had known he had any weapons in the truck; even more so, the actual guns he'd done the bank jobs with I would've suggested my car. Even better, help him get rid of the evidence. 

So here we are. Here I am. I didn't expect it to happen so soon or the circumstances of how we got picked up. If I was being honest, I was beginning to think this wouldn't even be necessary. Yet, here I am. No going back. 

Who knows what the fuck Baz would tell Adrian. Most likely the truth. He's probably sickened even worse by my family, by me. He probably hates me right now. Wondering how in the hell he got involved with me and what the actual fuck did he see in me. 

We both knew Adrian had always been too good for me. Everyone surely thought he'd settled for less than what he deserved. It was the truth, I'd known it all along; this only confirmed everyone's suspicions. Confirmed what I had been trying to change and running away from ever since I can remember. 

Deran Cody was, is, and will always be filth. Trash. I never had a chance born to Janine Cody, who the fuck would. 

I only hoped Adrian wouldn't change his mind about taking Lena. Maybe now he'd understand and realize how toxic we all are and be convinced that he was her only choice. I knew it was asking for too much, but I hoped that his love for her outweigh all the doubt I knew he had. 

I never been in a relationship, but even before we made it official, our friendship wasn't always the best. Mostly because of my asshole ways, but these last few months felt like we were both walking on eggshells. Worst part being that it wasn't me that was fucking up. It all always boiled down to my family. My brothers. Smurf. 

Each day Adrian gave me more reasons to love him. For staying when he could easily walk away. For trying to help; not only me but my brothers, through the unease, insecurity, and all the lies. I know for sure I lost the only person, the only man, I have ever and probably will ever love. 

I'm not afraid nor nervous. In fact, I don't even know how I feel exactly. It just seems like all those years of running and close calls have finally caught up to me. Maybe this is how Pope felt. Nothing else mattered anymore. We accepted our fate. We were fuckups and deserve what was coming to us; so let's just get on with it. 

I always thought it a little cynical how we always planned ahead. Smurf having backups plans in case A, B, or C didn't work out. 'May we all get what we want and never what we deserve.'

Well, mom never planned for this. How can I out run the guilt? We were all too far gone to repair. We could not outrun our mother, couldn't out-think her. Our lives all gone up in flames. I had tried so hard to run away from her constant smothering and false love. It all being a cell of its own. To this; and soon an actual cell. 

Detective Fisher steps in with detective Yates following close behind. I can help the laughter that escapes my mouth when I recognizing them immediately. Only confirming I'm shit out of luck. These two have had it in for us for as long as I can remember. Each here to finally close what I assume are the cases that they've been building against us. Now both a step away from finalizing their personal vendetta against the Cody's. Two Cody's are better than none. Well, three if you count Smurf.

"Mr. Cody, you are being held for armed robbery," Fisher says shuffling through the paperwork. 

"Bullshit, " I say cutting him off. "You don't have nothing on me. We were stopped and hauled in because my brother had weapons in his vehicle without them being registered and violation of his parole. I was only the passenger." 

"Yes, that is correct, Mr. Cody." He smiles at me smugly. "Those weapons were used at several bank robberies some time ago."

"Well, I wasn't there. I'm more than sure my finger prints not being on the weapons or sites will collaborate that." 

"You expect us to believe that your brother did this job alone? Must I remind you that we are very aware of how you Cody's do your jobs. It's a family business after all, right?" Says detective Yates. "You might not have been the one holding the gun or cought on the surveillance, but how about the getaway driver? For as many banks that were hit in one day you can't expect us to believe it was a one man job? That's almost impossible."

Shit, how many banks did Pope fucking hit? I never bothered to ask, only assume it was one. 

"Deran, just make it easier on yourself and cooperate. Pope is more than willing to talk. We can make a deal if you tell us what we want to know first." 

I know Fisher isn't lying when he says Pope is ready to talk, but I also know he wouldn't speak against me. Fisher's bluffing, but it's hard to tell what Pope's planning or what he's said so far, we never discussed it. 

"I'm not saying shit man. I don't know shit. I want a lawyer."

"Bad move Mr. Cody. We could've helped each other out, gotten you little to no time. I hope you know what you're in for." 

Yates gets up before Fisher. He looks at me like he knows more than he's let on, I just know don't know exactly what that is. Does he know about Catherine already? Had Pope already talked?" 

 

 

Two officers come in to escort me. It's all a blur and before I know it I'm standing before a correction facility and going through a familiar process. I can't even remember what they had charged me for. The lawyer had already been called by Baz; all Pope's planning, but I hadn't been paying attention to what he was saying. It just didn't matter anymore. What was my freedom good for when I had already lost Adrian. 

It's loud as the guards escort me down the cell block, but there's a buzzing in my ears that tunes them out. Each step taken distancing me from the world. Freedom. From Adrian.


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrian

It takes a conscientious effort to focus on anything besides Deran currently being behind bars. The lawyer has been in touch and there is proper paperwork to be filled out before I can go in to visit him. At least that's what he tells me when hands me more paperwork and a letter from Pope. 

I'm a nervous wreck; questioning anything and everything he's relaying to me. He instructs me to read the paperwork and letter he's handed me carefully and to let him know if I have any questions or concerns to which he will guide me accordingly. 

"Is there another letter from Deran?" 

He looks at me apologetically and shakes his head no. "I'm sorry. I am working with him and I assure you I will do my best to give him the best defense possible."

"Is there any chance he'll be getting out soon? He did nothing. Is there anything I can do, help with your fee?"...

A small smile covers his face. "No. Everything is covered, you do not need to worry about a thing."

"I''m sorry, what is your name again?"

He hands me an expensive looking business card. "Steven Burke. My personal number and office number is there if you need anything." 

"Can you please tell me what we're looking at exactly, what we should expect?" 

"I'm sorry Mr. Adam's, I'm afraid I am not authorized to share any information proceeding the case by either Mr. Andrew or Deran Cody. Simply instructed to hand over those documents and help you in any way needed proceeding those instructions," he says looking down at the paper he just handed me. 

I'm irate. Of course, what else would I expect from the Cody's. Now i'm following instructions! There is an intense need to blow up and share a piece of my mind, but this poor man has nothing to do with my anger and frustration. It definitely would be pointless to say another word to him.

He sees my frustration and tries to console me. "I understand your frustration Mr. Adam's. Give me a-day or 2 and I'll get you approval to visit Mr. Deran as soon as I can. Maybe then you'll get the answers to your questions."

I see the man out of my office. Ed and the staff looking at me questionably. It's been almost a week since I've seen Deran and my constant absence from the shop has backed up order stacked on the clipboard on the door. 

I feel awful being there and not contributing to our business. Ed had just as much invested in this business as me. He was my partner after all, but I was just not in the headspace to even worry about anything. It's overwhelming feeling this helpless. 

Sensing my despair Ed walks over and takes the clipboard from my hands and squeezes my shoulder. "I'll take care of this, you take care of that," he smirks and pushes me gently back into my office closing the door for privacy. 

Scanning the paperwork it's basically just a bank statement. Lena Blackwell being the sole beneficiary of an outstanding trust and my name placed in the trusty spot. Again, awaiting my signature. Seeing the amount she is too and Inherit is outstanding to say the least. I've always known the Cody's line of work, knew they had money, but this would more than cover Lena well into her adult life. 

There's already panic and questions forming when I turned the page and see a second statement, again with my name. A completely different account number, and a different amount written. Still too much, and i'm beyond myself as to why I would ever need so much money, especially when is just offered to me. By a Cody. Andrew Cody to be exact! It's confusion central. 

I fumble opening the letter, no idea why my hands are shaking uncontrollably. I take a deep breath before I start to read and hope that there's at least a little insight in Pope's meticulous writing. 

 

Adrian,  
I know you're questioning everything right now, especially me, and that's fine. Don't worry about where the money came from or the amount. Lena's money is safe and accounted for in the bank. All I need is your signature.  
You're the only one that I trust. I know you will not touch it and that you will tell Lena about it was she is legally ready to control and handle it. Maybe even help her invest. The lawyer I hired will fill you in on the rest and answer any questions. It's all legal. I would never involve you in any trouble, especially when Lena's involved and everything you've done for us. For me.  
The 2nd account, on the other hand, is for you and whatever expenses you might have. It's enough for you both to have a decent living and a little extra. It's there for you to use and invest as you wish. I know you'll put Lena first. I trust your judgment. Again, it's legal, just needs your signature.  
Please take her far where our mistakes cannot touch her. Somewhere she can thrive and move on from our sins. Please make sure she's happy and safe. When she finally hears about me and hates me, please comfort her and allow any memory she has of me to fade. Do not make excuses for me and do not encourage forgiveness. I will never hurt her again, and I will always hate myself for what I have done. Knowing there is no apology or remorse big enough I can give her. I love her and I'm sorry I cannot take it back.  
I know you hate me too. I'm sorry for dragging Deran down with me. It was never my intention, and I promise he will be out of this shithole if I have any say. I can fix this, even if his stubborn ass refuses my help; I will get him back to you.  
You should know he did nothing wrong. Just was born into the wrong family. It's his blind loyalty that is keeping him here. He loves me but he loves you more. Don't give up on him. Don't abandon him. You deserve each other and I will get him back to you. Stubbornness is one of the Cody trait, and I won't stop until he's out and gone from here. With you, I promise.  
Talk to Burke and leave as soon as you get the money situation signed. I know we're asking for too much… thank you for being one of the three people in my life that have shown me human decency and love. Take care of yourself and please take care of her. 

Andrew. 

 

My heart is aching for Deran. I was right; he knows nothing, but he will also not betray his brother. I understand and I hate it! Part of my heart goes out to Pope. I feel the agony and the torture he feels in the letter. I cannot hate him as much as I want to. He is a good person at heart. All three brothers were. They are. 

Although, the letter answer some of the questions regarding the money, I'm still left questioning the reasons they are behind bars. Craig is long gone. Baz has disappeared once again, and to my alarm and dismay taken Lena with him to who knows where. It's been two days since I've heard back from him, my concern solely on Lena. 

He had already made it clear he'd not say a word to me about his brother's, but without Pope around was Lena being taking care of? There was only one more week left of school before summer break, I only hoped he'd stay around until I could get my bearings and prepare for the next step. 

Pope didn't spare any costs on hiring his attorney. I walk into the fancy all glass building and make my way over to the reception desk and give my name and the consult time I was given to meet with Mr. Burke. The receptionist is a nice enough older lady and immediately walks me to the office. Mr. Burke obviously expecting me and ready for business. 

It's pretty basic. I sign after he explains I do not need to touch or manage Lena's trust if I do not want the extra responsibility, in which he'll take. Reporting annually to me about any changes and suggestions in recommended investments in which I can always approve or deny. 

The second account is also pretty much as explained in Pope's letter. Even though I do not want to sign it Mr.Burke suggests that it is best to do so. Having it as the back of fund. No other paperwork needed for that, just a simple signature. I reluctantly sign, keeping in mind that I will not touch it unless we are in dire need. 

He advises me to wait a week or two at most to receive the cards and checks from the bank and moves on to the next subject. "You're on the list to visit Deran tomorrow. I will go in with you and if he chooses you can listen in on the case." He smiles sympathetically and gives me the time and address to where we will meet as I leave. 

 

It's loud and cold as we stand in line. Handing in our identification cards and walking through various metal detectors and large iron doors locking loudly behind us. We're guided to a large grey room scattered with several tables and chairs and we take a seat. I was expecting a glass window between us, but this is better and I don't care enough to question it. 

There's a loud bell and one large door slides open allowing several inmates to walk in and find their visitors around the tables supplied. I see him before his eyes find us and my heart is beating a mile a second at the site. I hadn't realize how dead I felt all these days until the blood rushing loudly in my ears bring me back to life. He brings me back to life. He's the air I needed to breathe. 

I stand up and try to hug him, desperately needing the contact of his skin on mine. His smell feeling my lungs, but he steps back quickly. It's a punch to the gut as he pulls away. Dropping my arms defeated; because it's not just that he pulls away, but his expression is almost deadpan-vacant. 

"We're not allowed to touch," he mumbles and steps around me to sits down. Leaving me standing awkwardly and avoiding my gaze. 

"Mr. Cody, I have looked over all the… "

"Can you give me a few minutes with Adrian? I don't want him to listen to all this." He interrupts Mr.Burke in a all too familiar asshole-Deran Cody way. 

Doors are closed and his walls are up once again. I wasn't expecting happy or excited Deran, but I didn't expect the "old Deran" either. Now, instead of their being angry/antagonistic Deran I see resigned/business-like Deran. He's impassive. Void of all emotion. 

I'm completely aware our relationship was not at its best before everything came down. We were both struggling. Both distant and constantly arguing, but there was still love. I could still see and feel his need for me as much as I felt it for him… it's not there anymore. He's not there anymore. 

He rubs his face frustrated. "What are you doing here man, you shouldn't be here." His nose flares and anger. 

"You shouldn't either." 

He looks away and scratches his nose awkwardly with this thumb. "Shouldn't I?' And turns around to face me. "Look we had an agreement. Just leave as soon as you can." He staring at his hands 

"No, no, you're not doing this. I got Pope's letter, I'm not leaving without you." 

"What letter?" He asks puzzled. 

"I know you. Don't do this Deran. You didn't do anything and you're only in here because you feel some stupid obligation and loyalty to Pope when he's not even asking for it!" Words are registering with him as he staring at his hands. "He doesn't want you in here, you don't belong here." 

He sneers at me, "how are you so sure about that?" 

"Is this about Cathleen's disappearance?" 

He jolts back then immediately leans in and lowers his voice so that I can only hear him. "How the fuck do you know about Kathy, who told you?" 

"So it is about her, she is a reason you're here? Deran, just tell them what you know…"

"Stop Adrian! What else did Pope tell you in that letter?"

"Baz mentioned… who cares who told me what, I still don't have a clue as to what's going on." I hold back my tears and try to continue. "Please tell me what I can do to help you. Talk to me." I'm begging at this point. Hoping he can hear the desperation in my voice. 

"Adrian, I need you to leave and not look back. You can't do nothing for me, I don't want you to. Please just take Lena and go." 

"No! I'm not leaving without you. You don't belong here, you belong next to me!" I'm a mess now. Silent sobs shaking my entire body. 

I can see him tear up, finally showing some kind of empathy. "So… you're gonna wait for me, is that it? 5. 10. 15 years? You sticking around for your weekly one hour visits through the glass panel and telephone? Is that what you really want?......You can't stay! I don't want you to wait for me."He looks away defeated.

CI love you Deran." I finally say it and it's so bittersweet. I can't touch him or kiss him, show him my love with anything more than those 3 small words. Are they even enough? 

I see the slight blush stretching up Derans neck to his gorgeous face. When he finally looks to me it's with a small twinkle in his eyes and the crooked smile I adore. "Awesome timing asshole. You have no idea how long I've been waiting to hear you say that." 

We're both laughing idiots at that point. Releasing some of the tension from our bodies and looking at each other like two teenagers. When we finally settled down he looks more like the Deran I had grown to know. He quiets down and looks at me loving. 

"I know you love me Adrian.. You say it to me everyday. Without words." He pauses and sighs shyly. "Because I know you so well and because you love me, I know you will follow through with our plan." His voice breaks and his eyes are brimming with unshed tears. 

There's a loud buzzer signaling visiting hour is closed and we both sit silently staring at each other as others mumble their good byes. Deran smiles his crooked smile once again only this time there's no twinkle in his eyes and the smile quickly falters. 

He stands up slowly, his golden hair blocks my hungry eyes. I don't move an inch and only watch and try to take every single second to memorize him. He turns back around and finally moves his hair away from my view. 

"Leave as soon as you can. Don't wait for me. Thank you for… everything. For loving me." He turns and starts to walk towards the guards at the door. He takes one last look back before he reaches the door. "I love you. Don't let me down asshole." He smiles again, then he's gone .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the delay, but I hope I don't disappoint you too much with the following chapters. Again I stress, I am not at all familiar with the law or legal process, so cut me some slack.
> 
> Also, I have a new character and I had to make up a last name for Adrian since we don't have one for him yet on the show.


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran

I take one last look at the man that I love. His beautiful freckled face pale and washed out. His blue eyes puffy and red rimmed. His face contorted into a painful expression of brokenness that I have caused and left behind. Pieces that I cannot put back together no matter how much I want to. 

I battered and bruised him once again. Leaving behind broken promises, dreams, and two broken hearts. I know mine will never mend. I will not ever love another that is not Adrian. I lost everything that is pure and true. Taking my happiness and future with him. 

Concrete walls close in on me along with the hundreds if not thousands of men locked in here with me. Criminal eyes, scared eyes, and questioning eyes burning holes and to my skin. I keep to myself, not caring to find my place amongst the groups already formed. Odds stacked against me. I trust no one and have no interests in making friends or allies. 

I know that there will come a day when I will have to choose to fight or flee. Of course, I'd choose to fight. Even if I knew I'd get the shit kicked out of me, I have never been one to back down from a fight. In the meantime, I avoid all the prying questions and obvious intimidation tactics. It doesn't phase me and eventually i'm left alone. At least for a while. 

After months of talking strategy with our lawyer i'm all but ready to just fire him and go to court, plead guilty, and take whatever time I'm given. He's aware of my reluctance to speak out about anything incriminating Pope any further. Even if he is our lawyer, I still can't manage to say one word about what I heard Pope confess to in his drunken stupor. He had a plan and even though he's yet to tell me about it, I trust in him and simply bid my time.

 

8 months later.  
The court Room is filled with mumbled voices. Pope and I sit next to Mr. Burke. I see Craig and Baz sitting behind us on the first row. Clearly more nervous than Pope and I who only want to get it over with. We were both grateful that it was all coming to an end. It was hard to sit through the trial and hear Pope described in detail Kathleen's murder, the disposal of her body, and the mastermind behind it all. He also confessed to the multiple bank robberies. Stating I had no involvement in either of the charges. 

When I had been questioned by the DA I stated what Pope had asked me to say. Trusted him. It wasn't lies, but I still felt wrong for saying anything at all. 

I told them Pope had told me about Kathy, but I didn't believe him and simply blamed the liquor and had summed it up to him talking nonesense while being drunk.. It was easier to believe Pope was only shitfaced. That had been a lie. I believed Smurf was capable of that and worse, but I kept to what I had been instructed to say. Pope staring at me, pleading with his eyes to stick to the story. 

When they asked about the robberies, I said I had only found out about them when we had been pulled over and found with the weapons in his truck. They argued that although I was not caught on the video footage in the bank that I was possibly the driver, making me an accessory. 

After weeks of questioning we were finally here to hear the verdict and sentencing. The room became hushed and silent when the jury stepped in followed by the judge. 

The Foreman steps forward from the jury panel and continued to read, "we the jury find Andrew Cody guilty on:  
1 count of 1st degree murder.  
1 count of conspiracy to commit murder  
3 counts of 1st degree robbery. 

There's a few murmurs around the court but I only hear Craig let out a quiet "fuck!" Pope on the other hand, looks unphased. Accepting. The judge waits a minute for the court to keep silent then allows the Foreman to proceed.

"We The jury find Deran Cody guilty on: 2 counts of obstruction of Justice." The forman then takes her seat. I hear a sniffle and a groan and glance back to a tear stained Craig. 

I can't comfort him physically, and even if I could I wouldn't know what to say. Hes always been the one to comfort me. To calm and reassure me. I can't look at him any longer and turn back around. Silently willing the judge to spew out his sentence and pound the damned gavel so we can all fucking move on. So they can move on. 

I don't listen to what the judge says before he reads his sentencing. He's talking to Pope. Stern look on his face and finger waving in the air. Its somewhat comical. I imagine that's what a grandfather would look like when he's reprimanding his grandson. I can see him but all I hear are the metal doors slamming and a loud ringing of the intercom in my ears.

When I finally get my pounding heart to slow down I catch the last part of what he says to Pope. "Andrew Cody, I sentence you to life without parole." 

My stomach churns and I steal a glance on my brother. He standing up tall at proud as always and the look on his face is that of… relief? And before I really think about it, he calls my name out. He doesn't look so stern but maybe disappointed. 

"Mr.Cody, it is a pity that a young man your age chooses to throw away your life so meaningless. I hope you take this time to really think of where you want to be in the future and take the correct steps to get there. Deran Cody, I sentence you to 10 years in prison with the possibility of parole." He pounds the gavel and just like that the circus show is on to the next town. 

The crowd begins to disperse and Popes well paid Attorney begins to assure him that we can always appeal. His words falling on deaf years. I stand all too ready to taken back to what my life now consist of as the guards head my way with handcuffs. My dingy 6 by 8 feet cell awaits me. 

I don't bother to look back at my siblings. No time for remorse or goodbyes. There are no words neither of us could say to one another to make it better, less complicated, or bearable. I'm grateful when I feel the steel handcuffs against my skin, now all too familiar. Sandwiched between two beefy guards I'm guided down the corridors to the designated van we came in. 

There are a few media vans outside the court house. Hype still surrounding the case. Sure my trial was over, but Pope's barely began. He'd worked in a deal with the prosecutor lessen my charges to obstruction of justice in exchange for his collaboration and testimony against Smurf. 

She had been in prison longer than us, but she was continuing to appeal any ruling that kept her behind bars. Even J had all but given up on her. He finally decided to sell all the businesses and only kept the family home. He'd taken his share and proceeded to leave without telling any one where he was going and what was in his plans. 

I was proud of him for that. He had the balls to do the one thing I'd been trying to do all my life. He had a good head on his shoulders and even bigger heart. Just like my sister. Only this time, he got in away from us. Leaving behind our legacy and hopefully making our name better. The little shit had done it, and I was all too happy to wish him well. 

Word got around fast. If no one had a clue to my incarceration before it was all over the 6 o'clock news now. Whether they believe me to be a murder or a bank robber each came with their own rank. Some cocky bastards still made their comments, intent on provoking my outlash. And maybe I wanted to feel something. Anything, because in the next instant I was pounding my fist into a man double my size. I'd gotten more than a couple of punches in when he literally slammed me against the brick wall. 

If I wanted to feel something, I was defenetly feeling now. I felt the warm blood trickle down my face right eye and temple. I felt and heard a crack to my ribs as his foot connected to my left side… and I was alive again. Shoving myself off the wall and tackling him instantly, in spite my throbbing side. I don't know if I couldn't catch my breath because of the pain in my ribs or at the pace my fist was connecting to his face, but it didn't stop me .

I didn't hear the hollering of the crowd around us or the guards running towards us. My fist just kept connecting to his bloodied and now bruised face. I felt bones crushing underneath my fist and didn't know if I had a broken fist or if I had broken his nose. Then I was being hauled off of that asshole by 4 guards who each pinned me down,one at each of my limbs. 

I was spent and didn't fight, simply laid face down watching my blood puddle onto the floor. The other guy was still thrashing around and screaming random curse words my way. Making things worse for himself as 6 guards now hovered over him trying to restrain him then finally using mace on him to subdue him. I silently laughed as I heard him scream in pain at the burning sensation and got a view of him as I was calmly walked out of the cell block. Fucking idiot had it coming. 

When the nurse finally revises me in the infirmatory she immediately sends me out for x-rays and stitches to a 3" laceration above my right eyebrow. I already know it's a couple of cracked ribs but shut my mouth and I'm again handcuffed and taken to the nearest hospital. The pain is not so bad if I don't breathe. Ironically. 

It takes more than 6 hours to get confirmation on the obvious. I had 2 fractured ribs and had gotten stitches on the cut. I've had a lot worse; then I'm being taken back to prison. To solitary of all things. If it's supposed to be punishment I gladly accept It.

It is quiet and cold, but I prefer it to my bunky. It's been a rollercoaster of a day and the pain meds given to me at the hospital are slowly wearing off. My head begins to throb and the broken skin on my knuckles sting. I can't seem to find find a comfortable spot on the almost non existing mattress that is assigned to me. My breathing burning my lungs and reminding me that I am here. I am alive. I don't have Adrian.


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrian

After the initial shock of the direction my life was suddenly faced with I began to accept the unchangeable, and move on. However painful it felt at times and how angry I left felt at Deran and the Cody's I had to push forward. Looking and having Lena counting on me gave me the motivation and strength to keep going. Keep breathing. Keep living. She became the ray of sunshine in the darkest moment of my life. We had each other and it's all we needed. 

We found ourselves in a quiet but popular village, Placencia in Belize. Maybe it was a way for me to keep some memory of Deran alive, but it also had it appeal. The growing in its population and businesses was a great investment. Living expenses were not too high and 2 other villages were nearby. Each growing communities with European, Canadian, and even Americans opening up businesses all around the areas. 

Lena fell in love with the small village and was more excited to look for a new home that was closed to school and the beach. It wasn't too hard to find a 3 bedroom 3 bath bungalow. It was quietly tucked away behind Palm trees and green vegetation all around. The town was about a mile and a half away from the house. 

The appeal to this location was its own private beach in their backyard with its own private dock. The water glistend crystal blue and the big open windows allowed for the smell is sea salt and crashing waves on the reefs to lull you into peace. 

Lena run up the stairs and immediately squealed in delight when she spotted a pink bedroom with its own restroom. "Its a sign Adrian, we have to get this house!" Her smile making the decision, not that I had any objections. This would be our new home and new beginning.

It taken them a month to get all the essentials. Bed sets, kitchen and diner and a living Room sets. Adrian tried to make it a home and not a bachelor pad, although Lena agreed theat a big screen TV was necessary in the living Room along with a playstation and xbox. They had to wait for the orders to come in due to them being on the island, but it was well worth the wait. 

As the months passed it slowly began to feel like home. Before he knew a whole year had passed and Lena began school on time. Adrian even decided to finish his college courses online. He focused on getting his degree and starting a business like he had back in California. He studied while Lena was in school for a couple of hours then began giving surfing classes at one of the resorts close to the by. 

They didn't need the money, but it gave him something to do and meaning to his life. He loved the water and surfing even more. Lena had even assisted him on the weekends. She too had learned to love the water just as much and it gave her a chance to connect with kids her age when Adrian had kids taking his sessions. They began settling quite comfortably into their life.

The second year, however, had gotten a little rocky. Lena was now 9 years old, and Craig came down to visit. It was harder for her to say goodbye this time around. Craig was family and even though she loved me like family, i knew she missed her Uncle's. She'd mention them from time to time. Deran being harder to discuss, but Craig would call regularly and make it out to see her a couple of times out of the year. 

Baz, on the other hand, deposited money into the account Pope had set up for us every month and only called on holidays and her birthday. He knew how uncomfortable and upset Lena would get whenever he called. Although it hurt him how much he had let his relationship with his little girl wither he wanted her to be happy. He'd even tried to recuperate her after him and Lucy had split up, tried to visit, but Lena had told him she was fine and ask him not to make the trip. 

Baz had stopped calling altogether after that. Only texting Adrian for updates on Lena and sending extra cash more often. He seemed lost in unhappy. His egotistical attitude completely changed to a humbled one. He always thanked Adrian for taking care of Lena so well and and loving her. He even appreciated the pictures and monthly reports Adrian would send him via email. 

It had been around that time that Lena had sat me down with all the seriousness and 9 year old could possess. Sadly, Lena was not like any other not normal 9 year old. She had lived through things most adults go through in one lifetime in her short 9 years. She asked me to stop relaying information to Baz and to legally adopt her. She had spoken to Baz about this on their last conversation and although Baz had not been shocked at her request he acepted her plea and told her to run it by Adrian. 

"You are more of a father to me than he ever was, but if that's too much maybe you can be my Uncle?" Her small voice shook at the end. She nervously played with the braid it had taken me month to do on her hair. "Or you could just be Adrian… but would you adopt me?"

I collected her tiny body into my arms and felt her shake with me as we both cried. Her small hands wrapping tightly around my neck and holding on for dear life. "I love you more than you'll ever know… of course I'll adopt you princess, we're family all ready right?"

She pulled back slightly allowing me to clean her tear stained face as she smiled shyly and cleaned mine. "Right dad." Her bottom lip trembled as she looked into my eyes. "I love you," she quietly whispered into my ear as her little hiccups subsided when her emotions were under control. 

We waited until school was let out again for summer break and with a heavy heart we decided to head back to California to meet with Baz and Mr. Burke to finalize the adoption. I worried more about Lena than anything. Not so much the adoption but being back meant she remember certain things, maybe ask questions about her mother, Smurf, or Pope. I had no idea how I deal with that till the day came, but I was already dreading it. 

We landed and settled comfortably into the hotel. Baz had suggested the family home that was still very much open for family, but it just didn't feel right and I didn't want to trigger Lena. Craig came by as soon as Lena called and took her surfing while I headed to my old shop to close out details. 

Business was good and expanding from what it looked like to me and I congratulated Ed. He laughed and asked if I was sure of my decision to sell my share of the business to him, which I definitely was. It had stopped being my business 2 years ago and it flourished inspite of my absence. Ed deserved it. No hard feelings and no second thoughts as I signed away.

As I sat in Ed's office and he filled me in on everything and asked if I was going to sell The Drop to Heather. Apparently Heather and him had hit it off and were not only in a relationship but were also becoming business partners. 

"Yeah man, Craig's been filling in but Heather's pretty much running it. Even asked Craig if Deran would be intrested in selling it to her, but he said he'd have to run it by you first.

"What? Why would Craig run it by me?!.." Hadn't Derann left it in Craig's name, why would anything be run by Adrian. The drop wasn't his to sell or run. "Fucking Cody's!" He yelled in irritation. Ed immediately held up his hands in mock surrender and smirked. "I'll talk to Craig, but I'm not dealing with that. Sorry man, I better go. Nice catching up with you." He hugged Ed one last time and headed out to have a talk with Craig.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok ....Happy New Year's! I'm back. I'm sorry for the long wait. I'm hoping to finish this fic in 50 chapters so here we go. Sorry for the typos and spelling give me a chance to edit and fix later. Just wanted to post these chapters for you guys if you're still interested. Let me know what you think.


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena

I run into the water with my surfboard in hand. My goofy giant of an Uncle besides me smiling like the big kid he is. 

"All right Lena girl, show me what you got. What has Adrian been teaching you out there?"

"Only the best Uncle Craig. Dad is the best." I giggle paddling out to the incoming waves on my belly before sitting up and waiting for the perfect wave to come a long. Uncle Craig squints his eyes and looks at me confused. 

"Baz's been out there with you?"

I laugh at his questioning look. "No, not Baz. I'm talking about Adrian, Uncle Craig. Do you even know why we came back to California?" 

" Well cause you miss me and wanted to see me right?" Craig asks with a cheesy smile. 

"Well, besides that," I say nonchalantly. "Adrian is legally adopting me, that's why Baz is coming down tomorrow... to sign over his parental rights." I look at the look of surprise on Uncle Craig's face and realize he wasn't in the loop. "I asked Adrian to adopt me. It's harder to move on with Baz in the picture. He didn't love mom and he didn't love me. I remember that. Adrian is everything he never was. He's...family."

I feel sad saying it. I always felt loved by my mother, that I remember clearly. Even loved by my uncles and Adrian, but never by Baz. I always felt more like an inconvenience to him, a side thought. I learned to live without him, without his love. I never felt like I needed it. Not with Adrian around.

Uncle Craig looks saddened. He quietly pulls his long hair up and away from his face and into a bun on top of his head. He swims his board closer to mine and leans down to look into my eyes. "I love you Lena. I'm family. Do you still want me in your life?"

I laugh and splash his somber face. "You better be in my life Uncle Craig, who else is going to spoil me and let me teach him the new techniques I have been practicing." 

He watches me laughing and cheering me on as I catch wave after wave, then he follows suit only to be axed repeatedly. When we finally decide to catch a bite to eat we're both breathless and exhausted. We walk to the closest restaurant and order a dozen street tacos which I only eat 3, but Uncle Craig devours a rest. 

He asks more about the adoption and life back in Belize. It's what we do whenever he comes around and he listens excitedly as a tell him about signing up for an upcoming competition to which he assures me he will make time to be there for. Before he takes me back to the hotel I have to ask and do my best to put on the best pout to get what I want. 

"Can you take me to see Uncle Deran today please?" We're at a stoplight and Uncle Craig is looking straight ahead trying to avoid my face. 

"Sorry princess, Adrian would kill me if I took you there. Hell, Deran would too. I don't think he'd want you to see him there."

"Please Uncle Craig. He'll love it! I write to him whenever I can, but I really just want to see him. Tell him I'm not mad at him and that I love him." I hold back the tears as I'm literally begging now. 

"Lena! You know they're gonna kill me right!" He says exasperated. I knew he couldn't resist me and I giggle and clap my hands as he glares at me pretending to be mad at me. 

It's closer to 40 minutes before we're parked outside the prison. Uncle Craig explains that it's very loud in there and it could be scary but if it's too much to just squeeze his hand and we'd leave. We walk in and it's everything Uncle Craig described. I'm anxious to see Uncle Deran and we quietly sit at the booth with plexiglass and a 2- way phone between the glass.

There's a loud buzzer and the metal doors began to let out men with Gray jumpsuits, each heading down to their families in waiting. I see his blond hair before he sees me, but he freezes when he does. He hangs his head and his ears and neck become reddened as he sees the tears streaming down my face. 

He glares at Uncle Craig and they both pick up the phone Uncle Craig quickly stutters his explanation. "Look man, she really wanted to see you, I couldn't say no, look at her!" I see Uncle Deran is about to say something and I snatch the phone away from Uncle Craig as say a shaky "hello" into the phone.

I see him smile and clear his throat nervously before he smirks and looks at me. "Hello beautiful."

"I miss you!" I sob into the phone and see him tear up. "You get my letters? You never write back, so I don't know if you do." I say a little quieter. 

"I've gotten every single one of them beautiful. Thank you for the pictures. You looked happy, I didn't want to ruin that for you."

"Well, I'd be happier if you'd wrote back." I smile and he chuckles softly. 

"OK, so all wright back from now on." He breaths in and this time when he smiles it's genuine. "Wow, you've grown so much princess. You're beautiful."

He asks about school and surfing and everything under the Sun except the 1 thing or person I know he wants to hear about.

"He misses you…"he looks at me questionably. "Adrian. Why won't you let him come see you? I know that would make him happy. Don't you miss him. Love him anymore?"

"It's because I love him and miss him that I don't want him to see me he in here. Or you. You guys don't need to see me in here or be sad about it. So no more visits OK, I promise all right back from now on."

"We're only back in town for a couple of days. Just think about it OK. He's adopting me you know." He smiles back and wipes his eyes. 

"He loves your princess. I'm sorry I couldn't do more for you, for him." 

There's a loud buzz warning visitation is closing. I place my hand on the glass and look at my Uncle. "You don't need to apologize, but if you need to hear it, I forgive you."

He let his tears roll freely down his pale face and holds his right hand up to the glass. "Thank you princess. I love you. Take care ok… and of him too." He hangs up the phone but keeps his hand to the glass and to my hand. He smiles one last time before getting up and walking out with the rest of inmates. 

The drive back to the hotel is quiet and a little sad. Uncle craig demeanor changed from his normal cheesy self to quiet and thoughtful. It must be hard on him having 2 of his brothers and mother behind bars. Of course no one knew i already had all the details of what really happened to my family and why the majority Is behind bars. 

I didn't talk about it because I knew Adrian didn't know what to say and I didn't want him to explain what I already knew. So I kept quiet. I didn't believe Uncle Deran deserved to be locked up. If anyone deserved it it was grandma Smurf. I hated that she was my gramma, so I didn't like to think about her much. 

Uncle Pope was another story though. I didn't know what I felt about him. All I knew for sure was that I loved him. It was him that I miss the most. I had written to him only 3 times. Each time I had to beg Adrian to send the letters to him. I waited for his replies but he never wrote back. I still held out hope that he would one day.

"Do you ever visit Uncle Pope?" I ask snapping Uncle Craig from his thoughts. 

"Um only a few times, but I can't take you to see him Lena," he says sternly. I nodded in acceptance as he pulls into the hotels parking lot. 

"When you see him again can you just tell him something for me?" He holds his breath but nods yes. "Tell him I know he didn't mean it. That I still love him and miss him every day." He smiles weakly and tugs on my braide playfully before he steps out his truck and waits for me to come around the back end.

"All right, let's go get my ass handed to me."


	45. Chapter 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrian

"You took my daughter where!?" I yell across the room to the smirking bastard holding Lena in front of him as a shield. 

"Whoa dude, you totally sound all parental right then. You have this father business down bro!" Craig exclaims laughing. Lena laughs along with Craig and looks up at him high fiving him. 

"Lena. Shower. Now!" I watch her rummage through her suitcase and get her pj's and shampoo out before heading to the restroom. I pace around waiting for the sound of the shower head as I stare at Craig laying over one of the beds in the room playing with his phone. As soon as I hear her singing I kick his leg hard and wait for him to set up. 

"She's 9 years old and you took her there, are you crazy! Why didn't you ask me before you even considered that!" 

"I'm sorry Adrian. You know I can't say no to her. She saw him and she's happy."

"Wait, what? He saw her? He actually allowed her to visit him?" I think back to the times I showed up and waited to see him, even begged his damn lawyer to convince him to allow me to be on his visiting list. Each time leaving with my heart more broken than the last. 

"Well, he didn't know I brought her with me, but yeah they sat there and talked."

"Fucking assholes! You and your damn brothers are…" I stop mid sentence has Craig head hangs down and shame. I'm mad at the wrong asshole. I ball up my fist and let out a sigh. "Whatever man. She's not going back there again. Next time you pull something like this you won't be allowed to see her again. You understand me Craig?" 

"Yeah, Adrian. I'm sorry. I overstepped. It won't happen again." He looks down at his feet like a child that's been scolded by his parents. That's all it takes for my anger to dissipate. 

"Did she at least have lunch?" I watch him nod quietly. "Good. She probably wants family time, you wanna have dinner with us?" 

Craig's demeanor changes instantaneously and he naturally agrees. We order in from the hotel's kitchen. Burgers and fries and 2 chocolate milk shakes for the kids before we sit at the small kitchenette in the room and watch Lena enjoy her dinner and movie with her big kid Uncle. She's out right after finishing her last bite of burger and I tuck her in and lower the volume . I take out a couple of beers from the mini fridge and hand Craig one . 

"Why didn't you mention the adoption?" Craig asks a little unsure. "Do you want all of us out of her life, or just Baz?" He looks hurt at the thought and I laugh and throw my bottle cap at him which he swats away. 

"No. Wouldn't think about doing that. She loves you guys. I don't think I'd be able to keep her away from you even if I tried." I hear his sigh of relief as he chugs half his beer down. "It was just her decision. I don't know if she'll change her mind tomorrow at the signing of papers. Guess I didn't want to Jinx it." I glanced at her tiny body on the bed hoping she doesn't change her mind. 

"You kidding me, you're her whole world. You became her father 2 years ago. This is just a formality." He winks at me and tips his bottle to me. 

"Thanks Craig." 

He looks down at his watch and announces it's time for him to go. 

"Can you stick around a while longer. I kind of got to talk to you about a few things." He sits down a little more alert this time. "I went down to the shop and signed over my half of the business over to Ed today."

"Oh, no shit? So what is that mean?"

" That after tomorrow I won't have a reason to come back down this way ever again. I don't have nothing waiting for me here. The shop was the last loose end."

"What about Deran?" 

"What about him?"

"Your just going to leave him. No goodbye. No I'll see you when you get out?"

"That's what he wanted. I didn't. He won't even let me see him. He's done with me. Like 2 fucking years ago Craig." He flinches as he hears the venom in my voice and stares at me in disbelief. 

"It's Deran, Adrian. He needs you. He's just confused and depressed. What about his business, he wanted you to decide what to do with that."

"No! You decide Craig. I don't want nothing from him. Sell it, burn it, or give it away. After tomorrow Lena and I are gone and I'll be damned if I ever come back down here. We're done."

"Shit man. Don't say that. I know you love him. He loves you. Look how about you stay an extra day; go with me to visiting day and all convince him to talk to you. Just stay one more day, then you guys can clear shit up."

I look at Lena again. I nod and cursed myself for the little resistance I have when it comes to Deran. But I'm dying to see him, even if he tells me to fuck off again. At least i'd be able to see him. He saw Lena, maybe he had a change of heart. How many chances have I given Deran to break my heart, why do I not learn my lesson, why can I walk away from him? 

I say good night to Craig and I lay on the bed looking up at the ceiling. How many more sleepless nights will I have because of Deran. He haunts me even in my dreams. There is no escaping him. Lena stirs besides me on the next bed. I send out a silent plea to God, the universe, or whoever is listening. Please don't let her change her mind, and please show me the way to be the father she needs and deserves. 

 

The TV is blaring and there is a loud whirling sound coming from the vanity. I walk groggily towards the noise and see Lena blow drying her hair. She beams up at me when she spots me and hugs me tight. 

"Big day today. Baz texted earlier, he's in town and will meet us 10:00 a.m. at the court." She begins to flutter around my suitcase and pulls out a white button down shirt and blue slacks and places them carefully on the bed. "I like the blue instead of the black. The tie I chose is blue; it matches your eyes. You gonna shower?" 

I shake my head and make my way to the shower, my heart melting a little at her excitement. I even allow myself to get excited as well. Maybe she won't change her mind after all. When I step out dressed I find her sitting calmly on the bed strapping her favorite sandals in place. She is perfectly matching my clothes in a blue skirt and a white blouse with small silk bows on the hem of its neck and short sleeves. 

"How do I look?"

"Beautiful as always princess." 

"Thank you. We match!" She giggles and stands up on the bed and straightens my clip on tie. 

"How about me, do I pass the inspection?"

"When I choose the outfit, always!" She kneels on the bed with her back facing me, "can you braid my hair please." I laugh because I know she can do it faster and better than me. She hears me and looks back shyly. "Please. I like it when you braid my hair. Practice makes perfect, right?" 

"Right," and I obliged her and put my fingers to work. 

Craig is waiting at the court doors for us as we walk up the steps. "You came!" Lena runs up to Craigs waiting arms and walks in with us. Lena gravitating towards me naturally and grabbing my sweaty hand in hers. Baz is sitting in the court family meeting room with Mr. Burke who briefly explains what will happen and we all take a seat and wait for the judge and notary. 

It is literally done in less than an hour. Baz signs over all parental rights and Lenas' last name is now legally Adam's. Adrian's daughter, officially. Baz disappears quietly saying he'll talk to Adrian later and Craig snaps pictures of Lena holding the official documents and smiling at a crying Adrian. 

"I love you daddy" Lena whispers making Adrian squeeze her closer to him until she protests and feigns that she can't breath. They 3 celebrate at a quiet family italian restaurant and Adrian phones his parents who are now proud grandparents. Each promising to visit him and their granddaughter soon. Life couldn't get better. 

Later that day Adrian borrows one of Craig's boards and they all head to the beach to enjoy the waves. Lena enjoying both men's company. By the end of the day Adrian explains to her they will be staying an extra day in order for him to visit Deran. Lena is more excited at the thought than Adrian's nerves allow him to. They both pack up their belongings nonetheless, preparing for their eventual departure. 

Craig picks them up at 11:00 a.m. the next morning as planned. Both men quiet in thought while Lena jabbers excitedly in the backseat. Adrian feels cold sweats coming on as soon as he sees the enormous concrete building and gates. He knows the drill as they passed through the various doors and metal detectors. He hates the fact that he brought Lena into this shithole for a second time, but there had been no way around it. 

Adrian follows quietly behind Craig and soon they are in a room with other visitors waiting to be assigned a booth. Craig nervously asks Adrianto stay behind so he can feel out Deran's attitude. Lena gently squeezes Adrians hand in reassurance and he smiles down at her briefly. 

The loud buzzer startles Adrian making him jump a little, but his focus is on the brunette giant whose leg is nervously bouncing in place. His heart clenches when Craig nervously and very guiltlly looks back towards where he and Lena are standing and hangs up the phone. 

Craig strides remorsefully towards him avoiding his eyes and biting on his bottom lip. He finally looks back at Adrian and he shakes his head no and quietly says sorry. Adrian feels a tug at his arm when he strides towards the booth where Craig was sitting at seconds ago. Fuming and ready to give Deran a piece of his mind, but his heart breaks even further when he sees the empty seat. 

He feels the tugging at his arm once again and realizes it's Lena. She has tears in her eyes or maybe it's him. He looks down again at her small hand enveloped in his and decides it's enough. He turns around determined and walks straight to the guarded doors to be let out. They walked quietly through the facility. Lena quietly crying as she refuses to let his hand go, and Craig trailing behind them. 

Once outside the facility's compound Adrian makes a quick call to the airline to change their flight time to an earlier departure; which to his convenience is in the next hour. He looks back at Lena and smiles weakly at her before winking. 

"You think you can take us to the pick up our stuff and drop us off at the airport?" He asks Craig looking out the window. 

"Sure… sure man." He wants to say more but he holds back knowing they Adrian's hurting because of his idiot brother and his stupid idea. It's a quiet ride to the airport. 

Craig holds Lena a little longer, whispering something to her that seems to comfort her. He also hugs Adrian, his face somber and holding back tears. 

"You coming for her competition right?"

"Yeah. I'll be there man." Craig smiles proud, looking at Lena. 

"You ready to go home princess?" I asked my daughter. California was once my favorite place. Deran had been my home. Neither ring true to me now. Home is now half a world away and I was happy for the change. Never more accepting. I leave all the broken pieces of my heart behind and carry on with what was left. No one dies from a broken heart, you just learn to live with the pieces left behind. 

"I'm ready if you are," Lena says smiling. 

"I'm more than ready. Let's go."


	46. Chapter 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran

I pace around in my cell trying to control the anger threatening to surface despite my effort in controlling my recklessness. If I was on the outside there'd be other outlets to occupy my mind with; adrenalin, drugs, alcohol. But I'm here; caged in like the animal Smurf raised. 

My cell mate; some young 22 your old kid doing time for robbery and assault is looking at me with fear and slowly makes his way up to the top bunk to make himself scarce. 

Every step I take I can feel the walls slowly closing in on me. The random loud voices echoing through the block making the walls shake and my head throb. Air seems to be stifled and it becomes harder to breathe. Craig's voice and face surface to mind. His pleading eyes begging for me to simply listen. To let Adrian see me. To let him talk to me. To not let it end like this.

A laugh errupts from my lips and it startles me. I rest my forehead on the cold concrete wall and laugh or cry, maybe both. We had ended the moment I was locked up. I always knew this is where I'd end up. Adrian had been a dream. An escape and a beautiful possibility. But life caught up to me eventually. Why couldn't he just move on? I still loved him more than I ever thought I would, but I hoped he'd realize he deserved better. That he could have better, he could have everything.

I wasn't naive enough to think it would be easy for him because if anything was true, it was our love for one another. But sometimes we have to learn to love what's good for us. Me being out of his life was what was best for him. For Lena. 

The throbbing in my head is excrutiatingly painful. I'm panting to catch my breath but I can't. The walls keep shaking and boxing me in. I pound my fist as hard as I can against them. One. Two. Three times and I see red coating the gray walls and I keep punching. Keep trying to push back the walls caving in on me. 

My cell mate jumps down in panic and tries to place himself in front of me to get me to stop, but I headbutt him and i hear him scream as blood pours down his nose. There are shouts and I hear whistles and bells, feet running into my cell but I continue to punch and kick the damn concrete. My knuckles are throbbing from the broken skin that keeps making contact with the walls. 

Two guards grab ahold of my arms and I'm like some crazed person using them as leverage to kick the wall with both my feet. I'm not trying to push back the walls, but break them. I have lived my whole life in a box and I didn't want to anymore. What the fuck have I done?

I kick harder and harder. This was why I didn't want to see Adrian. Because I was a changed man with him. I was no longer caged in or boxed away and forgotten. I was free. Happy. In love. I didn't want to be here. I needed Adrian more than he thought he needed me. I always knew that . It wasn't supposed to be like this. I'm not supposed to be here. 

Three other guards rush into the small cell and before I know it I'm face down on the floor. A guard at each of my limbs and one coaxing me to calm down. I can't breathe and my lungs are screaming for air at this point. I'm thrashing around but only because I can't catch my breath. The guards turn me around on my back immediately and someone places a mask over my nose and mouth. 

"Breathe Cody! In. Out. In. Out." I hear the voice but I can't see anything as I'm in-and-out of consciousness. "In. Out. In. Out. Come on Cody, stay with me. Breathe."

I hear my pulse speeding away as the air slowly starts to fill my lungs, but I'm too tired to open my eyes. Every inch of my body is screaming in pain. I don't have a clue where I'm being taken, but I could care less right now. It might be a dream, or maybe I'm just visualizing, but I'm with Adrian. In his room, in Belize.

Taking in his sleeping face against the white pillowo. Craving his half parted lips that I'm dying to taste but won't admit. Scamming my hands softly down the nape of his neck to the pale globes being hidden by the white sheet. I lean over cautiously trying not to be caught in my intimate exploration and gently kiss my favorite freckle on his left shoulder. He's here laying next to me and that is all that matters. 

There are cold hands examining my head then cold fingers prying open my eyes.

"Mr. Cody, nice of you to wake up. Do you know where you are?"

" Prison."

"Close. Inflammatory. Do you know why you're here?"

My head floods with memories of my outburst and I simply nod my head feeling the continuous pounding. 

"We think you had a panic attack Mr. Cody. Have you experienced those before?" 

"A few times."

"Well, we are keeping you for observation. You're cell mate said you accidentally headbutted him so you might have a headache for a few days. Possible bruising as well. Your knuckles are pretty much shredded, but no broken bones. I will be recommending that you see our psychaiatrist in the following days. In the meantime, get some rest." 

It's too bright in the room to actually sleep, but I close my eyes anyway. There are quiet murmurs coming from the nurses, but nothing like the loudness of my cell block. Might as well take it addvantage of the quiet if my thoughts don't work against me and keep me up. They don't, and within 10 minutes I'm dead to the world and back to my intimate exploration of the man I love.


	47. Chapter 47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrian

It took a few weeks to overcome the depression I arrived with from California, bat Lena was a big help. I didn't have to tell her how I felt because she saw it every day no matter how much I tried to hide it from her. Sometimes we cried together and her being wise beyond her years would simply remind me it was OK to be sad. 

After the middle of the 3rd week being back we both got into the swing of things and began to prepare for her competition. The waves being the cure to all ailments. 

A month later Craig dropped in as promised and stayed for 2 weeks after Lena crushed her competitors and came in 1st place. Much to our surprise my parents came for a visit around that time as well and gushed over the newest member of our family. Lena fell in love with the older couple and let down her guard to her new relatives. 

By the end of the summer Lena was more than ready to start school and I was almost finished with my online courses. I had also purchased a business close to the beach and was making renovations for the opening I planned on doing the following year after getting my business degree. 

The previous owner was retiring and was closing his rental business of small fishing boats, which I saw as an investment. I planned on building it up and expanding the rentals for kayaking, jet skis; and surfboards. The location was perfect and i was more psyched about the new venture. 

The following year came within a blink of an eye and soon I was receiving orders of jet skis, kayaksn repainting, and looking for proper insurance and getting all the paperwork in place. Lena was as excited as I was and chose the colors and name for the business. Even going as far as personalizing it and making it more family friendly by coming up with schedules and sign up sheets for surfing lessons for kids and adults. 

I was going through the list of inventory and didn't noticed or hear I wasn't alone. 

"Wow. You've changed a lot. It looks great."

"I'm sorry we're not open for another month."

The man got closer and I took in his confidence demeanor. He held out his right hand and smiled. His Hazel eyes shining as he smiled genuinely. 

"Antonio Diaz. I'm Raphael Diaz grandson… the man who sold you this property."

"Oh. Adrian Adam's. So, you like?" 

"It looks great," he says looking around in amazement. His eyes taking in everything. "May I look around?" He asks before continuing his inspection. 

"Sure. No problem." I follow behind him feeling proud despite the disarray around me. It was my business. His hand skims over the surfboards and kayaks, all waiting to be propped up and properly mounted and stored in place. 

"You kept the board boats?" 

"Yes. They were still in great condition, only had to adjust a few minor things." 

"My grandfather is a very proud man. Even better business man. The dock is a decent size. You plan on purchasing more boats?"

"Jets skies, actually. Can't set them out until insurance is all settled. I have noticed people like to fish a lot around here, so I'm considering purchasing 1 or 2 more." 

"Good man," he says laughing, "you'll have business all year round here. Congratulations Mr. Adam's."

"Thank you." I say taking his outstretched hand once again. His long tanned fingers squeezing gently as he looks at me. I can't help but look him over and appreciate how good looking he really is. Then he releases my had and hes walking away. Looking back a second before completely leaving and licks his plump bottom lip and actually checks me out with the confident smirk. 

"See you around Adrian," and he's gone. 

I feel my stomach flip and I'm not sure if it's in a good or bad way, but I decide not to pay attention to my growing curiosity and go over inventory once again before giving my insurance a call once again.

By the time Spring break came, business doors were ready to be opened. Craig, my parents, and even Baz made it out for the grand opening. They all got the personal tour by an excited Lena who was more than proud of her decorating and organizational skills. 

All my trophies and boards were showcased behind in open counter. Professional pictures, articles, and posters all proudly showcased as well. Lena blushed when she see spoted her medal and picture who were also proudly displayed for all to see. 

The blue and white walls make the building look bigger than it actually is and the big open windows are inviting. Craig's eyes sparkle as he sees the jet skis parked out front by the dock and he tugged on Lenas braid and wiggled his eyebrows with the toothy mischievous smile. Baz gravitates towards the boards, already having the one he wants to try out in mind. 

My mom snakes her arm around my waist and proudly looks up at me. "So who's doing the unveiling?"

"Well, since Lena chose the name it's only right she does the unveiling."

Her squeal makes everyone laugh and follow after her. She waits for everyone to take their place in front of the building and tugs on the tarp covering the name. It's 1 of agents favorite surf boards. He had a 1 of his close friends deck it out and carve out the name on to it. Simply paradise. 

"It's perfect!" Lenq yells flinging herself into Adrian's arms. They all clap and to his surprise a small crowd clapped along. All eager to check out the new business. 

It was great. The opening was hit and people of all ages and sizes kept coming. He was grateful Craig stuck around for a couple of weeks. He said it was to help Adrian with the business, but most days he just flirted and surfed. He still was thankful for the moral support. 

Lena stayed glued to him or Craig. Enjoying the beach, but was also learning more about the business at her insistence. They'd close shop around 5:00 p.m. and have everything set up for the next day by 6:00 p.m.. He realized he needed help for when Craig left and Lena was back in school so he thought about hiring 2 part time employees by the end of the month. 

Sometimes he take work home. Keeping up the boards and kayaks were important, but he didn't mind it. Success comes with long hours and hard work and he was more than willing to put in the time.

Much to his luck he hired his 1st employee the day of Craig's departure. He was a 18 year old who was taking 2 years off of school before he made a choice on what he wanted to study. He seem outgoing and very intelligent. Even better, he was a local and knew the land in language. His name was Samuel Diaz, also grandson to the previous owner. 

He picked up the routine pretty fast and was great help due to his prior knowledge of his grandfather's business. He thought it strange a first, hiring the grandson of the previous owner, but that faded away quickly and they soon became friends. Lena even enjoyed his company and was happy Samuel was teaching them Spanish. 

By the beginning of the 4th year there were a few changes and Adrian was treading cautiously. Antonio Diaz was now a close friend to Adrian. Many would probly think they were dating or a couple, but Adrian refused to label them. To him they were simply enjoying each other's company. Although Antonio had voiced his interests in being more, he always respected Adrians wishes and didn't push. 

Adrian and was attracted to Antonio. He was funny, thoughtful, and an amazing cook. He own one of the island's best restaurants and also knew his way around business. He was the perfect catch, but Adrian could never allow his feelings to develop past his attraction.

Antonio got along great with Lena and even with Craig; when he was around. He had been patient with they Adrian. Sexual tension was there, but still Adrian held back. Never allowing them to go beyond heavy petting. He wanted to let go, but every time he got close all he thought about was the fact that it was not Deran touching him or kissing him. 

On one of those frustrating nights Adrian had gone to their backyard workroom to work on one of his boards. His hands glided aimlessly on the board. He hadn't even noticed Lena had followed him and was observing him quietly. She gently rubbed his shoulder and sat beside him pressing her chin on his shoulder. 

"Everything OK dad?"

He hung his head feeling emotionally exhausted. "Yeah. Just grown up stuff, beautiful." He looked up knowing she'd seen the tears in his eyes. 

"You miss him too much, right?"

"Um,i… I don't know what I feel right now princess." 

"I received his last letter couple of days ago… he said."

I cut her off mid sentence. "Princess, I don't want to know what he wrote. It always ends up hurting more. You know?" She nods solemnly and her small fingers catch the tears falling from my eyelashes. She then reaches around my neck and hugs me a few minutes. 

"Daddy… you know it's OK to be happy. It's OK if you give Antonio a chance to… maybe he can make you happy."

That's my daughter. Always finding a way to teach me something. My old soul in a child's body. 

"You think so?" I'm really asking because maybe she knows something I don't.

"You'll never know if you don't try," she says like she's actually given it a thorough thought. 

"You like Antonio?" 

"He's not Uncle… "she catches yourself before she says his name, then continues. "I like him if he can make you happy." 

"You make me happy Lena." I laugh and hug her tight. At that moment she was all I needed and I was happy.


	48. Chapter 48

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys I'm aware that I'm bouncing around a lot in the storys time frame,but keep in mind each chapter is focussed on each characters POV.
> 
> Hopefully you're still with me! I'm going crazy over here. We're close to the end...gimme some feedback and let me know what you think.

After my break down the second year of my incarceration it took me another year to get my head out of my ass and put in the effort to help myself. It took me eight months to restore Craigs visitation privilige after the stunt he had pulled bringing Adrian by on his last visit. It wasn't him I was mad at, but at my own stubbornness. I was terrified and hurting and in my behavior I had hurt everyone who'd ever gave a shit about me. 

So in true baby brother fashion I sucked up my pride and called Craig, apologized, and asked him to visit me whenever he found it in his heart to forgive me. No surprise when the big softie showed up three days later with a big smile, and for reasons beyond my comprehension, beyond happy to see me. 

It had always amazed me how Craig was always so fast to forgive and move on forgetting all the past offenses. If I ever wanted to learn something from him, it would be just that. He filled me in on everything. Lena killing it on her first competition. The adoption. How Smurf still kept appealing any and every charge against her elongating the sentencing. 

We only had thirty minutes and I was dying to ask and hear about Adrian. He knew it, and I could tell he was avoiding that specific detail. So I asked somewhat indirectly.

"How's the bar. Anything decided yet?"

"Well I've been waiting to talk to you about that." Craig looked around nervously avoiding eye contact desperately. 

"Craig," I wait for him to focus his attention on me. Keeping my temper in check and subconsciously preparing myself for disappointment. "Did you get the chance to... You know talk to Adrian about it?"

"That's the thing man. He specifically said he didn't want to have anything to do with that." 

Of course he wouldn't. Not after the way I've treated him. Not after taking on so much responsibility that didn't belong to him in the firsst place. What had I expected?

"Did you tell him I wanted him to invest it, use it for him and Lena. It's no use to me, not in here."

"He didn't give me a chance to Der. Doesn't want nothing to do with that. He signed over his half of The Shop to Ed, said he wasn't coming back to California. He had nothing here for him anymore. Said he was done." 

I bite my nails pathologically. I had asked him to leave and not to look back. I just never thought he'd do it. My eyes water and I could care less if anyone sees. "He's done… with me."

Craig face holds pity for me but he doesn't say a word. I wipe my eyes mechanically and accept the reality. "I told him to leave. To move on. Just never thought he'd listen." I snort at the irony. "I fucked up man. The shity thing about it is I can't do anything about it. Not in here."

"So what you want me to do about it man?"

"Get an appraisal from the insurance and sell it to Heather. I really don't care at this point. Whenever I get out of here it will be a while before they restore my liquor license, if ever."

"Who and where do I deposit the money?"

The buzzer sounds announcing the end of visitation. "To be honest, I don't care anymore. Waste it? Donate it? Its all the same. Thanks for coming Craig."

I hang up and I make my way back to the doors. Only looking back to smirk at my shocked brother. Back in my cell I take out several of Lena's letters. I find the one I'm looking for and take out the picture that has become one of my favorites. It's of Lena catching a wave like a pro. Adrian appears slightly to the side. His fist in the air with this amazing smile. 

It's only a profile view of him sitting on his board cheering Lena on, but I know that smile. It was a smile he reserved for me. It's genuine and it holds love and admiration. I smile as I run my finger over the image. At least I didn't take that. I'm happy Lena can make him smile and happy.

My knuckles and the scars they holed catch my attention. The urge to hit something and make it feel my pain is much present, but I don't. I read Lenas' letters again. I lost track of how many times I've read them but they calm me down. Belize had been my paradise and now, of course, it was hers. I miss it as much as I miss them. 

One month passes, than the next. Each day driving me a little more crazy than the next but her letters keep coming and they are my sanity. Some hold pictures, but most don't. She tries sneaking in several pictures with Adrian. Always ones of him looking like he had no idea he was in the picture, but I'm grateful for them. 

By the beginning of a third year I make a decision and ask for Mr. Burke's advice on reducing my sentence. Of course, being the well paid lawyer he is, he is more than helpful. He starts off by stressing the importance of staying out of trouble, which can sometimes be difficult for me. He suggests I keep up with the appointed psychiatrist to show the board I am working on my stress management and temper. He then very cautiously suggest that i take up some classes offered to assist in rehabilitaeating inmates into more productive civilians once out into the world. 

It to stretch, but if I want to get my life back I have to stop fighting against the tide and go with it. If it could help me get a Adrian back I was more than willing to do it. I don't tell Craig and ask Mr. Burke not to mention it to Pope in case a fail miserably, but somehow the man laughs and gives me his vote of confidence and assures me it can be done. 

After seven months of being on the straight and narrow I have a minor set back. I spend two weeks in the hospital and three weeks in the hole. After word had spread that I was in fact gay, I was cornered at my assigned work duty by 2 assholes who thought I just bend over and take it. Much to my amazement and theirs, things had not worked out for them.

I was found unconscious with the broken collar bone and a dislocated shoulder. Bruises scattered all over my arms and legs, but my face had taken the worst hits. Both my eyes were swollen shut, I had a busted mouth, and the laceration I had previously suffered had been reopened. 

Upon hearing the report after my declaration was taken, all facts added up and it was summed up to self defense. I was later told that the bigger assailant had held me down while the other tried to force me to give him oral. I had bitten down so hard the guy had lost a big amount of blood. 

The bigger one, on the other hand, dislocated my shoulder and broke my collar bone trying to get me off his partner. He then continued to beat me until I kicked him hard enough on his left leg, causing it to bend at an unnatural angle (backwards) breaking it in two places. 

The guards only found out about the incident after they heard the two other inmates yelling in pain and asking for help. It was hard to hear the details and i was even more embarrassed at the fact I was even in that situation. I was ashamed but was thankful for the three weeks I had to recover in solitary confinement. 

I spoke to my psychiatrist about the and anxiety I felt being let out back into the general population of inmates, but she couldn't do much but prescribe an anti anxiety pill. I thought that would only make me more vulnerable and numb and I needed to be on alert in case it happened again. My first day back was intense. I held my head up and walked up straighter, putting up a front that I was not scared. 

It worked because although they stared, they didn't say a word or try to intimidate me. At least not to my face. It was no longer a pretense that I could hold my own. Yes, you my get a few punches in or beat me unconscious, but I could hold my own. It wasn't the name Cody that saved my ass, but myself. I didn't need to be ashamed of who I was and what I liked. Not anymore. When I walk down the block now it was knowing who I was and being okay with it.

Before I knew it I had done four years. I saw the psychiatrist once a month if at all, which was a good thing. I kept out of trouble and busy in whatever classes would help my case. Mr. Burke assured me that within the next year I'd be able to go up for parole. He did not assure me it would happen before the sixth year, but it didn't hurt to try. 

Craig kept visiting. I never ask what he had done about the bar and I was grateful he didn't bring it up. He'd visit Belize a couple times a year and always came back hesitant to tell me about it, but I knew whenever I saw the tan. I ask anyways, always eager to hear more about Adrian's and Lena's life. Wanting to hear it from someone else other than Lena who I knew only mention certain things and held back others. 

"Is he happy?"

"Yeah man, business is going good. You know Adrian always had a good head on his shoulders."

"Is he busy… besides business? Is he seeing anyone?" Please say no. Please say no. Please say no. 

"Awe, man. He's a catch. Can you blame him if he is?" Craig says trying to play it off as a joke. I nod because he is right. Adrian was gold. 

"Is he?"

"There's a guy. Nothing official though. I can tell he wants more, but I don't know if Adrian…" his eyes loose their playfulness and he looks at me with a seriousness I never knew he possessed. "It looks like he's waiting. Holding back. I think he's waiting for you and doesn't even know it."

"Is that right?" Wishful thinking. "As long as he's happy, I'm happy for him. 

"Really Deran? You guys are both idiots!"

"Maybe. I love him. I'm done being a selfish asshole. If someone else can make him happy… it's all I want for him. Maybe when I get out of here I'll get another chance to be that for him. I just can't ask him to wait for me. He's waited enough, you know."

Bittersweet realization. But if I had the chance to be with Adrian again I want to deserve it. Maybe i'd have to fight for another chance with him, but he deserve that and more. We say goodbye and it's not so hard this time. I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and maybe a little happiness too.


	49. Chapter 49

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrian

Life is great, but sometimes I get the feeling like i'm running out of time. Like I'm trying to catch up or make up for something and there isn't enough time. Then I hit even heavier days when time seems never ending. I make Lena my first priority, always. Business second. I made it a point to put back all the money I had "borrowed" from Pope's account for us. It was probably dumb because in some way I understood Pope's point of view. I had uprooted my entire life and taken on more responsibility I ever thought I could handle. 

Responsibility I have always seen as a privilige. Lena changed my life in the best way possible. I still had my moments of doubts in my parenting skills and in myself, but I was learning. Taking money felt like I was being paid to do a job. Lena was my daughter and it felt like I was taking from her. So slowly but surely my plan was working and that money would be restored in full. Selling my half of The Shop had replaced half the "loan" already, and if business kept up at its pace I had nothing to worry about.

My time with Antonio always was a last thought. He'd find ways to plug himself into my busy schedule and never complained. He showed up for Lena at school events and competitions. He'd help me look over financial reports and investment opportunities. He even went as far as acting as tour guide whenever my parents or Craig visited. 

We had been "together" unofficially close to two years and I had barely felt comfortable enough to take the next step and be intimate with him. I couldn't even bring myself into calling it "making love" because I only saw it as a release. He understood I wasn't comfortable with him staying over and I had used Lena as a buffer, but he understood. He knew about my past relationship with Deran; had asked many questions, but I was honest and answered every single one of them. 

"Is he the reason you don't allow yourself to let me in? To let me love you? Are you still in love with him?"

I stared at my hand in his and thought about the correct words to answer him with, but I couldn't. 

He takes my face into his hands. His hazel eyes pleading for a chance. "I love you Adrian," his accent stressing the word love. "I love everything about you. Lena. Your parents. Craig." He laughed quietly and kisses me gently. 

"I don't know if I'm capable of giving you what you deserve." 

"I only want what you want to give me. I can wait as long as you need, until you are ready… but tell me. Does he still have your heart?" 

I pull away his hands and smile through the tears welling up in my eyes. "He..." my voice cracks, "he didn't want my heart or my love. He didn't want me. It didn't matter how much he knew I loved him, he didn't want me." 

Antonio arms surround my shaking body as I quietly cry into his shoulder. His arms are comforting but they feel wrong at the same time. His now familiar smell isn't the soothing smell of sea salt and a specific musky smell only one person has. His brown hair is not only the wrong color, but not long enough to tickle my tear stained face or for me to run my fingers through. He's not Deran.

I pull away needing his hands off me. It feels wrong for him to touch me. It always felt wrong and I feel sick to my stomach. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

He sits back giving me the space that I need and realizing why I'm apologizing. "You still love him." 

I look up and admit it to him, and myself. "I still love him. I've been in love with him for more than half of my life. He is..... was, my best friend, family, my everything. I'm sorry. I love him now even though I know he doesn't want me, doesn't love me. I don't know if I can love anyone the way I loved him and I think I don't want to. I'm sorry, Antonio."

He looks at me saddened at my confession. "The heart wants what the heart wants. Si?" 

"I don't want to hurt you or lead you on. You are amazing, but..."

He holds up his finger to stop my rambling. A sad smile present on his face. "I can be an amazing friend, you know. Can we be friends?"

"Yes. If you don't hate me too much, i'd really like that."

He touches my cheek softly. "I could never hate you Adrian. Thank you for your honesty." He kisses me softly before he leaves and i'm left wondering why I had allowed Antonios' feelings to grow for me, and hating myself work causing him pain and disappointment. 

A week doesn't pass before Lena starts to notice Antonio's lack of presence. She knows something is up and I keep busy. Avoiding her questioning eyes as much as I can. She learned to read me by now and gives me time to process the change and allows me to prepare my answers to her looming questions. 

After two weeks she gently probes me for details on our daily morning surf. 

"Daddy." I smile at her use of the word daddy, knowing she only uses it to soften the blow and get what she wants out of me. 

Were both sitting on our floating boards and admiring the sunrise. "Lleeennnaa."

She giggles knowing I know what's coming next and scoots closer to me using her legs. "What happened with you and Antonio? Are you OK?" 

I can tell she's worried about me. "Antonio and I decided we are better just being friends."

"Dad, you do know I'm almost 11, right? I kind of know what that means," she rolls her eyes at me very obvious attempt to not go into detail. 

"I forget how much of a grown up you are." I tease back but she doesn't laugh waiting on me to elaborate. "Ok, ok, I get it. I decided it was best for us to be friends." 

"Why? Don't you love him just a little?"

"Truthfully beautiful. I don't think I can."

"Because you still love Uncle Deran?" She asks a little too hopeful. 

"Yes. I don't think I'll be able to love anyone like i loved your Uncle Deran and I don't think I want to try." It may be a little too much truth for her, but I can't lie to her. 

"Maybe you can try again when he gets out?"

"Sometimes you can't fix what's been broken. You can't take back words, and sometimes apologies are not enough. Deran and I hurt each other one too many times. I don't think that's something we can fix."

"But you love each other."

"Im not sure that's enough princess." 

She sniffles and I side hug her close to me and try to comfort her as well as myself. "We'll both be ok Lena. It will work itself out, and even if we don't work out, he will still be a part of your life. Just like Craig."

"But you..."

"I'm ok princess, I promise." I wiped her tears and kissed her. God, I hope I'm right.

 

I casually date. Mostly to keep Lenas' worries at bay and keeping up the pretense that I'm moving on. But the dates never go past the first one and maybe just a kiss. Lena is now 12 years old and we've been residents of Belize for 5; mostly happy years. 

We've left the island a couple of times to visit my parents and a week long vacation to Florida with Craig tagging along to Disney world. But the island and small village seem like a perminant vacation most days. It's peaceful, entertaining, and simple existence all-in-one. We rarely feel the need to leave for a destraction or a getaway, and that suits both Lena and me perfectly. 

Craig is more present in Lena's life right before Lena turns 13. After 5 years and 3 months of us leaving California he decided to buy a beach house closer to our home and decides to make it a point to live at least 6 months of every year in Belize. 

He claims that it's all to give Lena more "family time" now that she's growing up and needs more supervision. I laugh at his antics, because if anyone needs supervision it would be him, but Lena is ecstatic at the thought. 

Something tells me he might be hiding something because I'm sure it would bother him to leave his two brothers behind, but I'm also certain that he's more than ready to leave his fast paced living and thug work behind and settle for a more quiet, simple, and domestic living. Maybe Lena did have some influence in his decision because their relationship was unmistakably close. 

Craig's big kid attitude balanced out Lena's old soul and I always saw her act and feel more like a kid around him, which I very much appreciated. 

He did, however, purpose to become a business partner with me. Actually suggested opening up a second location since it was going so well. It did surprise me because Craig was never one to think ahead for the future. He always spend until the money was gone then it was on to the next job. He had grown up and I was proud of him and relieved for Lena.

One of my worries had always been that Baz or her Uncle's lifestyles would put her in harm's way. That was the main reason i had in leaving. Now that worry somewhat subsided. I wouldn't have to ask Craig to stay away if he eventually kept up with his jobs and lifestyle anymore. 

He stayed for six months and settled into his new home, which was too big for one man in my opinion, but I knew the Cody's fashion and big houses (especially beach houses) meant bigger party. By Lena's fall break he headed back to California. I suspected he missed Deran and Pope, but Lena was still happy he'd be coming back. 

They went back to their usual Skype chats and soon we were preparing for the New Year. Lena had been sad that Craig had not made it out for the holidays but he made it a point to never miss their Skype days and nights. 

Antonio began to come around again. It was awkard at the beginning and he even suggested being friends with benefits. Knowing his feelings made the decision for me. I didn't want to encourage him or hurt him more than I already had and he got the hint. I could still see the sting in his eyes when he'd see me with friends or fake dates, but he kept quiet and began dating again. 

Crag made it back to Placencia just in time for Lena's 13th birthday. It was the end of May and the sand was hot and the water was the perfect temperature. I closed down the business and had a beach party Lena very specifically planned out. Craig was around to help but kept disappearing from time to time making me uneasy. Lena even questioned his whereabouts and he just smiled and said it was a surprise. 

It was perfect. Decorations were simple, keeping it beach friendly. Torches were scattered around for the later bonfire, and of course surfing. Lots and lots of surfing, food, and water activities.

Lena looked beautiful in a white sundress and sandals. Her perfect tan glistening and her long hair braided perfectly to the side. She reminded me of Catherine. I only had a few encounters with her, but she was her mother personified. Her beautiful eyes and hair identical. 

She looked happy, and at that minute I knew I had made the right choice. I was doing all right as a parent, and she was truly happy, healthy, and alive. She greeted her grandparents who she adored as much as they did her. Even Baz made an appearance. He kept at a distance, but present to let her know he was there and he was still trying to be a part of her life. 

Her friends occupied most of her attention and before he knew it she was ready to change into her wetsuit. Craig stopped her before she dashed to change and suggested she open her gifts first. She eyed him curiously and changed her mind instantly. 

Ever the gracious girl she was; she loved her gift and thanked all her guests and friends for their well wishes and gifts. Craig laughed as she squirmed in her curiosity of his gift to her. He clapped and loudly directed everyone to look over at the water. 

He covered Lena's eyes with his enormous hand and led her carefully to the water with everyone following behind him. He stepped back and asked for everyone to keep looking ahead and finally asked for Lena to open her eyes. She smiled and opened her big eyes instantly; letting them roam around, taking in the waves crashing on the shore. 

She looked back laughing and questioning Craig when she spotted someone walking the surf board she had been dreaming about. 

Craig scratched his head, acting like he probably got the wrong one. "I think this is the one you wanted, but we can always take it back and get you the right one,baby girl."

"No. No. Uncle Craig this is perfect! This is the one!" She's squealed and threw her arms around his waist.

Craig stumbles back laughing his hearty booming laugh. "I'm not too sure Lena," he says pulling her away slightly. "Ah sir, can you take it back? I'm pretty sure I ordered a different model."

A slightly pale man steps from behind the board, wetsuit already on and a crooked smile. He tucks his blonde locks behind his ear nervously and maneuvers the board to his right hand smoothly. "I don't know, beautiful. You really think this board will improve your performance when you're up against the best?" He questions her cockily. "You know. I have won my fair share of competitions. It takes more than a board. It takes skill. You sure you got what it takes?"

He doesn't lose his blinding smile and confidence as everyone watches the interaction. "OMG!" Lena eyes instantly water and she grasps Craig's arm for support and scans the crowd looking for… "DAD! OMG!"

I see it all in her face. Shock, joy, confusion, love, excitement. She steps closer slowly. Then finally jumping into his arms like she used to at 6 years old. 

"Uncle Darien. Oh my God, you're really here! You came!" She sobs and Deran hands the board over to Craig to wrap both his arms around the one person that helped him keep his sanity all the years he'd been locked up. 

"I'm here. It's me beautiful. Happy Birthday!" his tears roll down his face and he sees Craig's a mess like him.

I bite my bottom lip to hold back the sob that's about to escape, seeing as I can't stop my tears, but he spots me. He's holding Lena and I want to be in his arms too. It's like Deran knows it because his eyes look almost pleading. Inviting. Urging me to come closer, but I can't. 

Craig glances at the direction Deran's eyes are focused and he motions for me to come closer. I feel slightly betrayed. Like Craig should have given me a heads up, but is not about me. My daughter is happy and I can't be mad or selfish right now. 

I stumble back and make my way down the beach and away from the happy scene. Away from the man that abandoned me six years ago and wondered back in like nothing. "It's not about me. Keep it together" I mumble and keep walking feeling the heat of the sand under my cold feet.


	50. Chapter 50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran

Classes and courses that the prison offers are redundant and have me at wit's end. Sure I keep attending but I'm done with them, even get a certificate of completion. I don't even know if they will ever come in handy, but they stay on my record and give me a better shot at being approved at an early parole date. 

Next in line for me is to volunteer. They placed me with another inmate who had been a teacher and was now volunteering to prep other inmates on completing a GED course. I didn't mention that I had been a pothead while I was in high school and didn't have a clue how I even graduated. Possibly the fact that everyone knew Smurf and about our family, nobody dared challenge a Cody. They were all too intimidated by us to question our scholar. 

Mr. Burke became a good friend to me. Cody's were never very keen on trusting lawyers, and I'm not sure that if I was only because I knew Mr. Burke services were very well paid that I began to trust him. To really really trust him. He seemed to let his guard down after 4 years of being my conscience that he became more involved in my case. He'd send books (legal books)that had been approved by the prisons warden for me to read. He'd highlight the chapters that could help me or explain certain questions I had about my case or Pope's. 

 

5 years and 4 months  
I was up for a parole hearing to which Mr.Burke attended for moral support and as my lawyer. I took into consideration all Mr. Burke had talked to me prior to the hearing. I tried not to get my hopes up too much reminding myself that if I was denied I'd only have 8 more months to serve before being considered and approved. 

Craig was still in the dark about me trying out for early parole, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit to myself I was secretly freaking out. I walked into a even colder room then my cell, if that was even possible, and met with 5 members of the parole board. They all said their names and rankss but I was to nervous to catch their names.

These were the people that would dissect every single minute of my 10 year sentence and decide whether I was eligible or not. Their serern-hard faces gave me little hope. They all looked down at my file to which I assume they all had a copies to and studied it carefully. 

The first question came from a bald man who looked too big for the chair he was sitting on. I recall seeing him walk the prison yard and being present in various cell searches, but his voice and demeanor were still very intimidating. 

"Mr. Cody, you have had two violations in the first three years of the five years and four months completed since your sentence. Why should we consider granting you early parole?"

The other four members continue reading my file. Each looking at it disapproving before looking up at me quizically. 

"I am aware of what is probably written on my file. My second outlash was me reacting to an anxiety attack to which I did receive help for. The third was in self defense when I was attacked by two other inmates. They are not excusable, but as you can see for the following years I have kept out of trouble and even participated in rehabilitation courses and classes offered here to which I have benefited from greatly."

A petite woman clears her throat before speaking. She seemed so mousy that she is almost swallowed by the other members on her sides. "Yes Mr. Cody, that is duly noted, but what can you say of your first misconduct during your first year of incarceration? I did not hear your reason for it."

I look over at Mr. Burke who smiles at me assuring me to answer honestly. 

"Yes ma'am. I'm sure you hear this often, and in no way does it excuse my misconduct, but I just felt justice had failed me. Not only me but my brother; which led me to act out by impulse. I truly regret it and if I could I would change it. If I could I would change so many decisions, take so many opportunities that I had, but I can't. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and try to do better-be better, which is what I have been doing."

"We see that you have made use of what our system has to offer for assistance, Mr. Cody. As a matter of fact, you have several recommendations in vote for your release. We can not release the names of those people, but you must understand our concern if you are granted an early release that you might fail due to our lack of judgment. If you are granted early parole, What assures as you will be unable number of societie and that you will not go back to your old ways?"

I could easily tell them what the books tell me to say. Say the rehearsed lines Burke advised me to answer with, but I decide to give them honesty instead. 

"I have lived most of my life under orders from Janine Cody, my mother. Since I can remember her words were the law and I never had a choice or a vote. My loyalty and my love was hers, no questions asked. My brothers and I were never really loved by my mother, we were her workers… I could say it was her fault I am in here. I could say that she led me down this path. It's what I have always known. What I had always expected for my life, but that's a lie."

I look down at my tattered hands and orange jumpsuit that I hate and look up determined. "I'd be lying because I always had a choice and I let her take that from me. It was my fault because I never stood up for myself, for what I wanted. Just took what was given to me and did as I was told. I see now that I am not just Janine Codys son. I do not want this life, I never did, and I will never give my life, loyalty, and love to who does not want what is best for me. I am better than this and I know I can be more of myself and less of what is expected from my name or my mother."

I shake as the warden speaks up again. "Well, we all know about your family. We all heard the case and to be honest I thought you would give my staff hell when I heard you were to serve your sentence here. However, I do see the difference from when you first got here to now. It pleases me to know you know your worth and I believe in every single word you just said. It isn't very often I am shocked by these hearings, but you have pleasantly surprised me, Mr. Cody."

They all murmur to one another then ask for me to step out before they give me their final verdict. I step out with Mr.Burke and he awkwardly pats my shoulder in approval. "Couldn't have given a better speech son. Proud of you."

The hall we're sitting on is dead quiet and I think over what I answered to their final question. I believe every word. I believe in myself. For once, I see what Adrian saw in me. What I only ever saw as a possibility. I want it more now than I ever did, believe that I deserve it. I have earned it and have learned to fight for it. If I am approved for parole today or in a year, I believe I deserve it and I want it now more than ever. 

We're escourted back into the room. It doesn't seem so cold or intimidating now with my new found confidence and realization. I can handle this. I can survive this. I'm still alive and I'm still fighting. We sit down and I scanned the stern looking panel and awaite there resolve. 

It is the quiet observer to the far right who speaks up. We have all voiced our concerns, which we still have a few. That being said, we all agree in your potential. Prior to your incarceration you had a business and made a decent living. That being said, you were only serving time for obstruction of justice, and although it is still a crime we do believe you are eligible for parole after you complete two more months served, then you will be released on parole."

The man looks at the panel a final time for approval to which they all nod. "In any case, Mr. Cody, you will be out on parole for the next two years and you will be mandated to check in with your PO monthly and provide random drug test and house checks. You will not be allowed to be around paraphernalia are convicted criminals and you will give the court and your PO your residence to be checked before you released."

"Thank you." It's all in manage to say before we are dismissed once again and Burke quickly congratulates me before saying he will see me in two months. My walk to my cell seems a little more shorter and I pull out a piece of paper and began a letter to Lena. I don't mention my pending release, but it's filled with optimism In every pencil stroke.

 

5 years and 6 months later  
I collect my belongings and step out of the metal doors and buzzing fences a couple months shy of my 30th birthday. There's a crisp cold feel to the air but I don't mind it. It's the middle of November and I want to do so much. Hit the beach, drive my truck, sleep in a bed, but before all that I need to check in with my PO. 

I spot my giant of a brother pacing the front gate anxiously then jumps in place as the last gate buzzes me out. His enormous arms wrap around me and he shakes me like when we were kids, but neither of us mind it. I only squeeze back. 

"About time asshole! What is that did you build-up more muscle?" Craig punches my arm and wipes at his misty eyes. "More muscle but still too short."

I push him away and follow behind him to where he is parked. I get in and he pulls out and keeps glancing over at me like I will disappear if he looks away. "So where to?" 

I look around and think of home. Think of Adrian, but he's no longer in California. 

"Home? " Craig asks.

"Yeah, wherever that is." 

"MI Casa as su Casa, man. Didn't tell you, but I kind of got a new place. The old one was a little shitty. Figured your PO will do an inspection and what not, so we both get a clean start."

" Thanks Craig. I appreciate this."

"No worries. So where's his office at?"

I call out the directions and we make our way without another word. Simply listen to the radio and enjoy my freedom.

We make it back to Craig's apartment in 40 minutes. I push aside hitting the beach before my ankle bracelet goes off and taken in Craigs modest living. It's clean and somewhat cluttered but it's drug free and I appreciate the changes he's made. Not only for me but himself. 

Craig picks up dinner while i roam around my room and enjoy the tuft and needle bed Craig has gifted me. A decent twin size bed would have been suffice but I'll remember to thank him for the comfort. We eat our favorite street tacos and drink a couple of beers before we both head to bed, or I do. 

I appreciate that I can now sleep in complete darkness and the silence that comes from within the four walls of my new room. No metal bars or buzzers. Sleep, however, is difficult to come by. I stare at the ceiling and try to shut my brain off. Demand it to be quiet. Although I am happy to be a free man, lucky for the grace of God or whoever is looking out for me bestowed upon me, there is still turmoil that I need to put to rest. 

The following weeks go by in a blur. Of course, I have to find employment to abide by my parole. Heather, of all people vouches for me. The drop was now legally hers and Eds and no longer only a bar, but a sports and family friendly bar. It's a decent job with decent pay and hours that I can't complain. I'm not really looking into going back to me old lifestyle so I make do with what I have. Check with my PO and still attend some anger management classes when time gets a little tough for me. 

Craig stays out of my way most of the times. I avoid coming home early on nights when I know he skypes with Lena and even ask him to keep my release quiet for the time being. He gets mad and think i'm still going about it all wrong, but does as I ask.

After one of my POs random droppings for inspection and drug test i finally crack and ask Craig what he did with the money he got from selling the bar. 

He smiles and goes to his room returning with a thick file with pictures and paperwork; dropping it on the table and passing it to me proudly.

"Well, since my little brother couldn't get his head out of his ass and look out over his investments, I had to step in and do it for him myself."

"Shit! What did you do and how am I gonna have to fix it?" 

"Fuck you, you little shit." He says laughing and punching me playfully. "It was a good amount of money and it wasn't mine to spend. I knew that from day one." He pushes the file to me inviting me to open it and look for myself. 

I skim through the paperwork and find documents of properties and beach house all in Craig's name. The pictures are amazing and beautiful. Of course, it's all in Craig's name and paid in full. 

"You bought a house?" I scan over the paperwork and the location stands out. "In Placencia, Belize?"

Craig lowers the paperwork from my stunned and confused face to get my attention. "No. You bought a house there. It's only under my name until all your legal shit gets sorted out so the courts don't take it from you." 

I look at him confused, not really knowing what to say. Not being able to form a coherent thought. 

"I even opened up a bank account there for you. Also under my name, but once your parole is done I figured you'd want to be close to Lena… and Adrian."

"Craig. That may not be possible for another year or two . What did Adrian say about this, do Lena and him know?"

"Chill man. They both think it's mine. Lena's ecstatic. I hope you don't mind, but I crash there whenever I go up there to visit."

"Ugh, thanks? I don't really know what to say Craig. Not even sure if Adrian will be OK with this. I don't want to barge in on their lives."

"I don't think that's even an issue Deran. He knows we're not in the business anymore and wants Lena to have family around. I even suggested being business partners and he.."

"No, Craig. He thinks this is all yours. Do you honestly think he'll be OK when he finds out the truth?"

"There's only one way of finding out. Come on Deran, you don't think I see you. You're dying here, man. Tell me once you get the clear you don't want to go to him. Be with him? Maybe this is your chance. Don't be a coward." 

I consider his words and maybe he's right. I told myself that I if I was given the chance I'd try to mend things between Adrian and and I. Things that I broke. My idiot brother had only made it easier for me. I couldn't be mad at him for that although I was terrified of the outcome. 

"I guess we'll find out. Just keep it to yourself until I can get my parole done and situated."

"Yes, man! That's my brother. You're gonna love it there. Lena will be so happyn and Adrian… he'll be happy too. Trust me on this Deran. It's the right choice."

 

6 years later  
Sitting next to Mr. Burke brings back all too familiar memories and worries. I had been lucky being released early for parole, but was I pushing it too far asking for permission to relocate? The more I thought about it I couldn't let another month pass without trying to get back to Adrian. To be as close as possible. I lost six years already and I needed to keep trying. It was a stretch, but I was clean and out of trouble. My PO had even ground to like me.

His office is small and triggers my closterphobia. My nerves were shot as he quietly looked through my request making notes here and there. 

"Placencia, Belize. Anything for anyone in particular there to spark your interest in moving making such a move, Mr. Cody? You seem to be doing just fine here, i'm not so sure it would be in your best interest to make that drastic of a move." His brow is raised, not in complete disapproval, but it possibly depends on my answer. 

I looked nervously at Mr. Burke who gives me the go ahead to answer the question. "Everything and everyone is there sir. Everyone I care about at least. My neice who needs family around and my partner." I hesitate to say that because it's a lie. I would love to say that my partner, Adrian, is waiting for me but I can't tell him I need to be there to get him back. 

"My brother actually purchased a home there not only for that purpose, but he is also investing in my partner's business that he has successfully ran for over 5 years and possibly plans on expanding. He's offered to take me with him and continue to help in my parole. You met him, Craig."

He looks at me in consideration. "So you'd be working for a family business. Can you show proof of employment and legal documentation of this business?"

"Yes sir. I think that is possible."

"The problem, Mr. Cody, is that because you are going out of the US it is not in our interests to allow such a move. If we did you'd be legally obligated to report here every other month. Are you aware of the expenses and implications if you fail to me the requirements? You're doing an excellent job and I'd hate to see you go about back to prison for failure to meet your parole."

"I am completely aware of everything you are concerned about. My brother is more than willing to help in any of the expenses and I have no interest in going back to prison. I'm closer to being done with parole and I don't want anything to change that. I just want to be close to my family. Help them like they've helped me."

"Well, Mr. Cody, although I am not completely sure this is the best move for you, you are one of my parolees that I had planned on recommending early parole dismissal . I have no issue with approving your request as long as you report your leave date and provide proof of your residence along with employment and all that follows. I will give you a list of what I will need and you will have 1 month to provide the documentation. It is all up to you to stay out of prison by following every rule and regulation expected and explain to you."

"Congratulations son." Mr. Burke pats my back content. "I hope you can finally see in yourself what everyone else sees."

We leave the office soon after and Craig is all ears when I walk in through the doors. 

"So...What's the verdict?"

"How soon can we leave?"

A smile breaks and he's hugging me. "Oh yeah! I knew it. I'm so happy for you bro!"

" Yeah, well you think Adrian will hire me? I need proof of employment within a month. Maybe we can make good at becoming partners? I don't know man, I just want to get there. See him." I wipe my tears all to happy and unashamed. 

"Time is perfect too. Lena's birthday is next month. We got a pack and i gotta cancel my lease here and we're gone. Around the end of May sound good to you?"

"Sounds amazing."

 

 

You never know how much shit you got until you're packing your life into boxes and suitcases. Craig decides to leave all his furniture in the apartment in exchanged to not be charged for the 6 month early lease cancellation . So we focus on getting my passport in order and whatever boards and boxes shipped off and schedule to arrive when we do. 

Craig's like a girl, excited to order Lena's special request board for her birthday, but even more anxious to not let my new living arrangement slip accidentally. 

Craig visits Pope one last time a couple of days before we leave to start our new venture. It kills me a little that I'm not allowed to visit Pope or I'd be violating my parole, but being the amazing big brother hes always been he wishes us both the best. 

After traveling 56 hours give or take) I'm beyond exhausted. Craig is all too familiar with the travel and time and seems unphased. He talks a mile a minute as we travel the small village to his home. Technically mine, but his on paper. It's late but the village is still very lively. Our rented cars windows are down and the breeze hits my damp arm making me shiver. 

It's not the Belize Adrian and I visited, but he's here. I close my eyes and I feel the warm air wisp my hair and just enjoy the freedom that comes with that simple act. Adrians face comes to mind. I remember riding shotgun and his beautiful eye squinting almost closed as he laughed at my hair's slapping around my face. Then he slowly pulled the strands away before chastely kissing me. 

It's dark when Craig parks the car outside the house. "Welcome home!" He says running out and up the house front steps. Keys jiggling loudly at the door before the porch lights around the beach house light up. He sticks his head out and waves at me to come in.

It's beautiful. All white walls and ceilings. Definitely too much of a bachelor's pad for my liking but amazing nonetheless. 

"I know it's a little bit too much my style, but I had to make Adrian think this place with mine. You can change everything you want. Master room is upstairs to your right. I could run everything by you later... If you look out the window you get a peek at our neighbors." He wags his eyebrows teasing. "By neighbors, I mean you're man and Lena."

I flip him off and laugh but head upstairs anyway. The hallway lights shine into the room so I don't bother to turn on the light and just make my way to the window. Peek out in hopes of seeing Adrian or Lena, but no luck. The shed that's in the back is lighted and so is the house, but no movement. 

"Turn on the lights you stalker!" Craig laughs behind me. He turns on the lamp besides the all too big bed and leans against the window. "He's in the shed. Probly working on boards. I'm gonna head over and say Hi for a minute. Party is in two days so she can't see you. Just get some rest and I'll bring over some food in a while."

I can't drag my eyes away from the shed. Mentally willing Adrian to step out and allow me to see him from a far. I don't even hear Craig leave, only see him make his way across the short path to where I want to be. I turn off the light again and lay down in bed. The travel finally weighing me down and drift off to sleep. I'm here, so close to Adrian yet miles away. 

Staying away and hidden is torture. Two days seems like a lifetime, but Lenas party is finally here and I'm ready to see her. To hold her. My stomach twists because although I do know Lena will be beyond happy to see me, I have no idea how Adrian and will react. 

Craig keeps disappearing all day and keeps reminding me to stay out of eye view, then the text comes through. He is ready for me to make my entrance like we planed. Heart beating erratically I hide myself behind the surfboard as best I can. Hearing the waves crashing and the smell and taste of the sea salt in the air. 

Then I hear her high pitched squeal and Craig signals for me to let the facade fall and I step from behind the board. It's priceless. Beyond what I expected. I try to keep my cool and my emotions at bay as i playfully banter with Lena asking if she has what it takes before she slamming into my arms crying and breaking my resolve at once. 

She's beautiful, healthy and happy. All thanks to one person. I look at Craig and he too is crying but my eyes scan the crowd for someone else. When they finally find him it's all my heart needed to begin racing. He's the peace and the chaos raging in me at the moment. 

Lena calls to him and I'm waiting for him to come closer but he doesn't. He does the opposite and steps back. Looking at Craig like he's been betrayed. I want to go to him and cling to him the way Lena is clinging to me. Changing the hurt in his eyes. Tell him I love him and that I'm here. That I came, not only for Lena, but for him, because I love him. 

Before I can say or do anything he's walking away. Not even looking back. Lena is mumbling away but I can't catch a single word because I'm focused on the lone man putting distance between us when I can't bear anymore. It hits me like a ton of bricks. I deserve to be left like this . I had left Adrian waiting so many times. The pain I felt now he'd felt time and time again because of me. 

I was slowly dying and I needed him to live. Had he felt like that? Had I made him suffer like I was right now? I'm not sure if it's the tears clouding his image or if he was so far away that I cannot see him, but the pain I feel is all the more present.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok if you are still with me thanks for sticking with me..it has taken me a while to complete this fic. I do have some idea as to where I could take this and keep writing. I can't get enough of my two lovely men, what do you think? 
> 
> Let me know if you'd still keep reading or if i should just let this last chapter sum it all up. I'd appreciate the feedback and thoughts.


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